What can I do about my roommate situation? She’s messy and inconsiderate?

Question

I hate my housemate. She’s messy and inconsiderate. Since I’ve living with her she’s

-left dishes in the sink for days
-washes her dishes in the right sink rather than the left sink (I use the right sink to wash my meats and vegetables)
-made the bathroom messy
-doesn’t take out the trash
- hasn’t been putting the trash out on the curb on Fridays
-put the trash out on the curb when it was my week to do it and not hers (messing up the order)
-only locks one of the front door locks rather than both locks when she leaves and we could’ve been robbed (and I’m home by myself during the day)
-left her clothes in the dryer for a couple of days

I’ve talked to her about all these things and she’s apologized and corrected these things and they didn’t happen again. More recently, told her that I want to have separate shelves in the refrigerator and freezer because she doesn’t wear a mask during this coronavirus pandemic when she goes outside and I don’t want her touching my things when she goes in and out of the refrigerator. She has still somehow managed to touch my turkey roll, put her frozen pizza on the same shelf as mine in the freezer, and she put her container on one of my shelves. I confronted her about it and she denies doing it, but I know it was her because my other housemate said they didn’t do it and he doesn’t lie.

She then emailed the owner of the house and told her about the situation and that I’m constantly complaining about something and was wondering how to stop the constant conflicts. The owner requested that I come to her about my complaints regarding my housemate rather than confronting my housemate and said that I shouldn’t be assigning chores and regulating things
because she is the property owner. I then confronted my housemate and cursed her out b/c, I thought her actions were very cowardly and she’s crying to the owner about something so petty. I’ve always been nice and respectful towards her but I’m tired of her playing with me.

Updates

+1 y

For those of you telling me to move out, I shouldn’t have to move out just because she’s messy and clearly in the wrong.

Updates

+1 y

For the few of you telling me that I’m difficult to live with, what am I doing that is deemed as difficult? I’ve always been respectful to this girl, despite her uncleanliness. I guess having standards and asserting yourself is seen as difficult nowadays. Y’all are probably as messy as she is.

Updates

+1 y

Update: I guess she had enough of me opening her Amazon packages, using her things in the kitchen, putting my things on her shelf in the refrigerator, and going in and out of her bedroom. She hasn’t been in the house since the last time I cursed her out and when I went into her room, she has a bunch of boxes packed in the room. Thanks for your help everyone. 🤣🤣🙏🏽

Updates

+1 y

Follow up question:
Can my landlord legally do this (update on previous question)? ↗

lumos · Accepted Answer

As much as I hate mess myself and do things a very specific way that I deem the most efficient/effective, I also recognize that other people will disagree with me. They won't be as clean as me and won't have the same views as me when it comes to doing things a certain way. That's just something you kinda have to accept when living with others.

You can't micro-manage their behavior. Living with someone else is also a two-way street. You can't make up all the rules and expect everyone to follow them. For instance:

- She washes dishes in the sink you wash your vegetables in

There's no "right" or "wrong" sink to wash dishes/vegetables in. This is simply a matter of preference. If you want to wash your veggies in the sink she washes her dishes in, a quick and easy solution to this is that you simply do a quick scrub of the sink before putting your vegetables there. Takes 20 seconds, tops. It's a compromise.

As for everything else (besides "messing up" the trash order and the locks) it just sounds that she, in general, simply isn't as clean as you are. Which, I'm sorry to say, you can't do much about except try to talk to her about it. Yes, I understand that it's annoying and most likely also disgusting to you, but at the end of the day it's her place as much as it is yours. So either you're going to have to learn to live with some of her mess, or you're going to have to move out and live on your own.

Yes, I do think that she should try to wash her own dishes more often, and yes, leaving her clothes in the dryer for several days is also quite rude to those who would want to use the dryer after her. Those are things she could definitely do better. As well as locking the door properly and taking out the trash on her assigned day. Sure.

But knowing her personality type, it's likely that she'll slip every now and then. She will probably never be able to remember all the "rules". So that's why I'm saying that you're somehow going to have to learn to accept some of this. It comes with the territory when living with others.

bella4eva · Accepted Answer

You sound very picky and like to have things your way. I'm in my 30s now but have been living in shared house situations for most of my 20s. Just bc you like to wash your meats using the left sink all future housemates is just meant to know this and change their behaviours to suit? In saying that can you not wash your meat on the right side. If she leaves clothes in dryer or washing machine can't you take it out and leave on top of machine. Yes I know you shouldn't need to, but it's a 10 second job. You get worked up over minor things. Living with someone (either a random housemate or a soul mate) takes some sacrifice and compromise. Your housemate, at best I'd annoying, but she ain't smoking meth in the lounge, having raging parties until 4am, different random guys over for casual sex every other night...

You need to compromise and from your post you only complain. Sounds like she tried to obey your 'rules' once you spoke to her so to some extent she's actually being reasonable, but then you go back to her with more (seemingly minor) complaints. I wouldn't want to live with someone that only complains, especially when I don't do something exactly the way she likes it

coffeewithcream · Accepted Answer

You're being badly manipulated.
The owner of the property is also in the wrong. As renters those people renting decide how the chores and work are distributed.

That the woman is not doing her work and is jeopardizing your health has complained to the owner this is now a legal issue.

Take your time now.
Don't complain.
Just document.

If the dishes pile up in the sink, take a photo. Note the time.
If the chores are distributed evenly and she doesn't do her share, have each renter make note and the day and time.
If she leaves a door unlocked or doesn't take out the garbage, make a SHORT and VERY POLITE written note of it to remind her, date it and photograph it.
Photograph any time the the bathroom is messy.

Eventually you'll have a pile of documented evidence. She'll continue to complain to the owner. That's fine. You can remind him you are taking care of his property as you respect its value and his property. Then you show him the evidence. Only show him when he brings it up. For now compile evidence. Keep a record. And be patient.

She'll have to leave eventually. No landlord wants his property disrespected.

BlessedDaddy · Accepted Answer

I own my house and rent a room. I don't ask for alease to be signed. That way, when this shit starts happening I can kick them out.

But since your not in that situation, your options are limited.

1. Move. It's not going to change, it will now only get worse.

How I avoid this might sound odd, but I works for my personality.

tell them right off the bat that I will do the dishes and keep the kitchen clean. That's it.

I don't trust the way most people do dishes anyway so in order for me to be able to eat, I have to know everything has been cleaned correcty. And I will have to do my dishes anyway, so what the hell. Also, it saysbto the other person that you are willing to put in work for them. They respond well to it all. And I don't give myself a chance to get angry about a messy kitchen and unwashed dishes because it's my responsibility.

My roommates usually become very close friends even after they move out. When that happens, I don't mind doing anything for them and I can make fun of their pig mentality and have fun with it.

Beats getting angry and letting it control your emotions and life.

teacher · Accepted Answer

Ways to Deal with a Roommate Who Is Inconsiderate

It can be difficult to deal with a roommate who is inconsiderate.

Here are some tips to help you deal with this situation:

1. Talk to your roommate about your concerns.

It is important to communicate with your roommate about your expectations and what you are comfortable with. If your roommate is not aware of your expectations, they may not be able to meet them.

2. Be assertive in setting boundaries.

If your roommate is crossing a line, it is important to be assertive in setting a boundary. This will help your roommate know what is acceptable and what is not.

3. Be willing to compromise.

There may be some things that you are willing to compromise on. For example, if your roommate is messy, you may be willing to compromise by allowing them to be messy in their own space but not in common areas.

4. Seek help from others.

If you are struggling to deal with your roommate, you may want to seek help from a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to offer you some helpful advice.

5. Talk to your residence hall staff.

If you are living in a residence hall, your residence hall staff may be able to help you deal with your inconsiderate roommate. They may be able to talk to your roommate about your concerns or help mediate a conversation between you and your roommate.

If you are struggling to deal with an inconsiderate roommate, there are resources available to help you. Talk to your residence hall staff or a trusted friend or family member for help.

What is a toxic roommate?

A toxic roommate is someone who is excessively negative, critical, or demanding, and who makes life difficult or unbearable for those around them. This type of person is often described as a "bad influence" or a " poison" in the lives of others.

There are many different ways in which a toxic roommate can make life difficult for those around them:

For example, they may constantly criticize their roommates or belittle their accomplishments.
They may also make unreasonable demands, such as expecting their roommates to always be available to them or to clean up after them.
Additionally, they may be constantly negative, always complaining about their life or their situation.

A toxic roommate can have a serious impact on those around them, making them feel unhappy, stressed, and even depressed. If you find yourself in a situation with a toxic roommate, it is important to take action to protect yourself and your mental health.

There are a few different things you can do to deal with a toxic roommate:

First, try to have a conversation with your roommate about their behavior. It is important to be assertive and honest when doing this. Explain to them how their behavior is affecting you and ask them to stop. If they are unwilling or unable to change their behavior, you may need to consider finding a new place to live.
Second, make sure to take care of yourself. This means taking time for yourself, doing things that make you happy, and spending time with supportive people. It is also important to get enough sleep, eat healthy, and exercise. These things will help you to cope with the stress of living with a toxic roommate.
Third, reach out for help if you need it. If you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling to cope, there is no shame in seeking professional help. A therapist can provide you with support and guidance as you deal with your toxic roommate.

If you are living with a toxic roommate, it is important to take action to protect yourself and your mental health. There are a few different things you can do to deal with a toxic roommate, such as having a conversation with them, taking care of yourself, and reaching out for help.

Signs of an Inconsiderate Roommate

It's easy to spot the signs of an inconsiderate roommate.

Here are some of the most common red flags:

1. They're always leaving their stuff around.

If your roommate can't be bothered to pick up their dirty clothes or put away their dishes, it's a pretty good indication that they don't care about your living space. This can make it difficult to relax in your own home and can create an overall messy atmosphere.

2. They're always making noise.

Whether they're playing their music too loud, having loud conversations on the phone, or stomping around the apartment, an inconsiderate roommate will always be making noise. This can be extremely frustrating, especially if you're trying to study or sleep.

3. They're always borrowing your things without asking.

If you find that your roommate is constantly borrowing your clothes, food, or other belongings without asking, it's a sure sign that they don't respect your personal space. This can be especially frustrating if they don't return your things in the same condition they borrowed them in.

4. They're always having people over.

An inconsiderate roommate will often have people over without asking first. This can be a huge inconvenience, especially if you're trying to study or get some peace and quiet.

5. They're always making a mess.

Whether they're leaving their dirty dishes in the sink or their wet towels on the floor, an inconsiderate roommate will always be making a mess. This can be extremely frustrating, especially if you're the one who has to clean up after them.

If you're dealing with an inconsiderate roommate, it's important to communicate with them. Let them know how their behavior is impacting you and see if they're willing to make some changes. If they're not willing to change, you may need to consider finding a new place to live.

The6ix · Answer

I think it's a huge misconception when people say guys are messy and women are clean. I tend to notice that women or girls who don't clean up or seem organized tend to have dysfunctional lives. Ask her what's up if anything is wrong, if something is bothering her, I know it takes a lot to put your frustration aside and ask someone what is wrong. But at the end of the day when we become adults there is a responsibility to pay your taxes, to pay your bills on time, to drive safely, to respect others and do the things we should do. When we take things for granted such as clean water, or electricity or wi-fi, imagine if people who worked in those industries gave a half assed effort? It would be awful. That's why I don't get why people half ass in life with things. Hopefully she changes her ways but if she doesn't I'm telling you it will get uglier. I have sisters who are all older then me and they act the same way and yet I don't complain and argue, I might complain to my mom but nothing gets solved. Until I realized to move out and live by myself and it's been much easier. I think you should find a room mate or a friend that you guys have a better understanding for and that way it would make things much more pleasant to live with someone you don't have to bicker with. I don't know why people live that way and to the poster I'm on your side, I am the same way I can't be some lazy person who doesn't pull his weight around.

maoircasa · Answer

1) If you complained and she apologized and corrected the things that were problematic, why are you still complaining about them?

2) The situation with the refrigerator is dumb as hell because, if you’re living in the same house as someone who has contacted the virus, guess what? You’re going to contact the virus as well. Separating the refrigerator/ freeze and being an anal prick isn’t going to make a titty’s worth of a difference.

#3 I’m pretty sure that her touching your things in the refrigerator and putting your items near yours was an accident. I doubt your roommate wants to hear you complain even more, so why would she touch your things?

4) She probably went to the landlord (ya, know the person who she pays rent to every month and holds the authority?) to try to diplomatically handle the situation and come to a resolution before it could escalate into you cursing her out like a petulant child.

emmily2396 · Answer

It seemz to me that you are complaininga bit too much pver the smallest things. Spme of the things you mentioned aren't that big of a deal. She still locks the door, even though not th way you like it. How is it important where she washes the dishes? Why is such a big deal that he messed the order in which you do things? If you had plans twll her and do the job 2 weeks in a row or find a common ground. Does it matter how long she left her clothes as long as you can still. put yours there? Don't be a control freak!

MORPHEUS_12 · Answer

While I can understand your concerned about the her not picking up after herself etc. I feel like you are projecting your COVID-19 fears on her and probably your other roommates with your nitpicky "I want to have separate shelves in the refrigerator and freezer." That just reads silly and immature. Just so you know your food doesn't come out of some pristine grocery store in the sky, your groceries have been touched more tiimes than you think. I bet you are so nitpicky that she does this other stuff to piss you off.

ColoradoKid · Answer

Either kick her out or get her kicked out. Other side is to move out. If there is a lease that you all have signed then talk to your landlord about getting out of it. If it's a hostile living situation you should be able to get out of it. If you can't do any of that then start doing to her what she is doing to you and see how she likes it. Start taking everything that she is doing that you don't like to the landlord. If you become a big pain in the ass you will get results. They may be good or bad. Be prepared for anything.

lightbulb27 · Answer

you are clean and orderly and she was trained differently. some people are just not as "conscious" of their behavior and actions. I've seen people married like that. I've seen guys like this 10x worse. Even when people are considerate, it is easy to "erk" each other with little things... was just having this discussion.

if this is your place, see if you can discuss and find something that works or else she needs to find another place to live. I like the idea of dividing the fridge.

If it is her place, then move out when you can.

Compromise is part of life. good lesson in finding someone compatible, considerate, cooperative. Humans can be a real pain.

I'd suggest reverse psychology, but I doubt it helps for her to see her flaws... she likely grew up like this... and is normal to her.

destinybringer7 · Answer

On one hand, the things at the start were inconsiderate. On the other, when you talked to her about them, they were reaolved, so those are null and void.

The bigger problem comes in for the refrigerator/freezer thing. First, I should mention that they've already proven that coronavirus particles are smaller than a mask can block, and thus that a mask is, at best, safety theatre rather than actual safe practice. If it is going to bother you about stuff being on the same shelf because of the coronavirus, you probably should find somewhere to live by yourself because if you are around other people, regardless of if they are wearing a mask, you are exposing yourself more.

theChineseWASP · Answer

I also have a roommate problem. Yours seems worse but my roommate just smells incredibly bad. Whenever I’m around him I hold my breath. Plus he doesn’t clean up after himself so all the food he cooks and eats attracts rats and ants into our kitchen. I tell him to clean up but he’s just inherently messy and gross.

My only suggestion is to try as much as possible to disentangle your life from her life. Such as buying your own mini fridge. Have your own garbage can. Maybe put a note on the door to remind her to double lock.

Commander_Red · Answer

I would document the evidence. I used to live in a dormatory with 30 other people and some of them never properly cleaned while using the shared spaces. If she lives with other people, she needs to understand that it's not just her space, and make that clear to the owner as well. Sometimes, I threatened not to pay rent and the owner of the dormitory solved the issue quickly. However, I'm not sure if that might work for you. If you have other roommates, I would talk to them about it and make sure everyone is on the same page so at least it becomes a team effort to make sure the house is running smoothly for everyone.

OptimisticDaria · Answer

You're a bit too picky to live around this woman. If you value your sanity, lower your standards, move ot, or be ready to just deal with the consequences. You are an adult, and you don't get to complain unless you are going to do something about it. Life isn't fair, so find a healthy way to deal with it.

Anonymous · Answer

Why is this still being posted? Just fucking move out already

youknowbetter · Answer

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. She was raised by irresponsible parents. How old is she?

I got one simple rule at my house. You can make a mess but don’t leave a mess. I also confess I was semi messy in college and in my 20s. But nowhere near as bad as your housemate. I’ve also lived with gross people before (one guy left his long hair strands in the bathtub). It sucks.

How about this. Tell her you want to get weekly maid service and want to split the costs. It’s not cheap but not horribly expensive either.

Sum_00 · Answer

rent a new living space..
move out...
I am a messy person but I already experience that... and I've thankful to them because they are correcting my bad habits.. though sometimes it hurts but it is the truth... so I honestly won't cry over it..
( resulting to me being a less messy)

medanne · Answer

Honestly dismiss anyone telling you that it’s you who has the problem. I had a similar situation where I went to live with a close friend at the time and it got so unbearable. She’s one of those people who think they own the only truth, and made me believe that I was too hard to live with...

Now I’m living with 4 (!!!) other friends who have the same way of living as me, and it’s honestly so easy and fun. I guess my point is that there’s no such thing as “normality” when talking about living together. We all have our own ways and you should just try to move somewhere else - a better fit!

DeeDeeDeVour · Answer

I had that experience in college. There were only 2 of us sharing a room but the mess she usually made appeared like our room was lived in by 7+ people. Talking to her repeatedly only worked a bit. I couldn't kick her out. So, I found myself another apartment and moved out instead. Since then, I never accepted another roommate except for the occasional boyfriends and then husband.

btbc92 · Answer

Find a new place to live, tahts what that days. Both your roommate and your landlord is WRONG. And I on pretty sure is illegal. If the landlord refuse to confemf the issue herself, what is the point going to her? A waste of your time. You deserve better treatment than this.

janasam · Answer

So you stayed with any random girl without knowing her. When you noticed things why didn't you raise the alarm, get a maid. There are so many things which would have made this situation this worse that you seem to be frustrated. So my advice is think twice before you start living with others or make any opinion for your own profit or comfortable.

zxv123 · Answer

That sounds tough; you've both got really conflicting lifestyles. Honestly, if it's annoying you that much, you're not getting much support from your landlord, and she doesn't seems to be considering moving out, you've got to make the move. This is an extra problem in your life that you don't need, but you can solve it easily. I know you feel it should be on her, but think of your self first.

Dinklex3 · Answer

You should learn how to compromise and realize not everyone is going to do exactly what YOU want them to do. Either don't have a roommate or learn to live with others.

Aislin9 · Answer

Don't you think there are more important things to worry about in life?  I feel sorry for your future spouse.

Lemia · Answer

You could leave her bra and knickers laying about the house and let your guest see what underwear she wears

Katebfun · Answer

Become independent and never have a roommate again unless it is a lover. That's why I never had one. I already knew without getting one.

crazy8000 · Answer

Recommend to look up the channel "Charisma on Command" . they have some very good ways to address this kind of situation in a constructive way. actually multiple ways.

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

That's for you to decide if you wanna move or not. But if she just came to your house and became your housemate, no body is telling you to let her be your housemate. You took that risk letting her be one.

hsshannah96 · Answer

I lived with someone like this and I later had to move out

Unit1 · Answer

Easy. You get your own place. What a question. What to do if you accidentally cut yourself? You apply bandages.

Fuentes · Answer

That's why i don't live with other people they be dirty af and weird bruhh not much you can do this is the type of stuff you get when you live with others, imagine if you were both like that

Wizzbang · Answer

She seems lazy and doesn't take other people into consideration, time to start looking for a new place

TMcCaa · Answer

she's gotta do her part. If not kick her ass out or find somewhere else to live. That's just being lazy.

honestGUY45 · Answer

I'm dealing with most of those issues. In my case, it's called having a family. Oh, to live by myself again...

es20490446e · Answer

What I do is simply moving any stuff that disturbs my job into a pile out of the space I need.

Anonymous · Answer

Omg u have ocd it seems but tbh she just seems forgetful so you can't really complain to us but I'll bite you have to be considerate

smb930 · Answer

At least she showers and flushes the toilet. Look at the bright side.

CrazyRay43 · Answer

Move out... your roommate and landlord are both idiots

sang2020 · Answer

honestly take pictures of her messiness and send it to the owner.

Kathy_Scorpio97 · Answer

I’d probably get trouble but take dishes put it in her bed.

captain_voidwalker · Answer

Just remember to plant a knife and sprinkle crack on the body

Anonymous · Answer

waht a bitttttttttttttttch itch. she will have cock roaches

Reaperbot666 · Answer

who's name is on the lease?

Blueeyes81 · Answer

You sound like Sheldon.

cloud9vortex1234 · Answer

You sound like a Difficult Person to live with.

reptocarl2 · Answer

Nothing. It won’t change

Oric50 · Answer

Where did you find her? Is she on the lease?

Anonymous · Answer

Who washes meat on the sink? Ewwwww

lsjr16 · Answer

Get a new roommate or talk to her

leonidas69 · Answer

Sucks.

Anonymous · Answer

Speak up and check her.

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

No one is coming to save you no one ever was

BillysBabe · Answer

If you hate her gtfo

jonesyjoshie · Answer

Tell her nicely

What can I do about my roommate situation? She’s messy and inconsiderate?

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Ways to Deal with a Roommate Who Is Inconsiderate