My ex-boyfriend wants to remain best friends, but I don't know if I can handle it cause I want him back?

Question

My first year in college, I started dating this boy who had just come out of a 2 year relationship and vowed he would never ever have a girlfriend in college cause he wanted to get out and experience things. Well, until he met me. We dated for 6 months, he spent the night in my room every night and we spent most of all our time together. We were best friends- connected on every level and literally couldn't deal without each other. But right before summer, he told me he wasn't sure if we could be together anymore because he is young and doesn't want to be held back from experiences. But he loves me and wants to remain best friends. I don't know what to do- I wish I could be best friends with him, but I still have feelings for him and I'm devastated. Is he just being selfish? I can't just cut off ties because he means so much to me and is my only real friend at school. How do I win him back?

Rockinroller · Accepted Answer

This will be hard to accept, but the only way to win him back is to cut off ties.

Yes, he's being selfish, but not overly so. He has a right to do what he's doing, and he even has a right to ask you to still be his best friend. He clearly likes you a lot. But for your own good, you really shouldn't let him use you in that way.

Basically he wants to go out and have fun without the drawback of "singleness", spending a lot of time being lonely. He's going to use you to boost his self esteem while he's out hitting on other girls, because it makes it easier for him to walk away instead of getting desperate. He'll know that one girl thinks the world of him no matter what. But where does that leave you? Alone, thinking the world of him, hurt that he won't spend his time with you.

So as much as he likes you, he doesn't respect you and your time. You have two viable options. If you cut off things with him completely, make sure you do it in a way that doesn't seem like you're hurt over the situation. Just shrug it off and let him know that you don't want to hang out and be his best friend in a situation where he's seeing other girls.

However, you could also go ahead and hang out with him and be his best friend, but it will only work out well for you if you do the same thing he does; actively see guys and don't think about him romantically. This option also will probably make him jealous and make him respect you enough to quit "experiencing things".

In either scenario you may find someone better for you. Not necessarily that there's anything wrong with this guy or other guys who decide this; It just shows that they aren't really ready or mature for a good relationship yet; and thus not currently "boyfriend material". And there's also the flip-side to this coin, the legitimate fact that he isn't attracted enough to you because he isn't challenged. Your decision to turn him down will likely be just the nudge he needs to suddenly feel as if he may be losing something of value.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Wow this sucks and you're right about him being selfish. You know that saying about letting go? If you love someone let them go, if they come back, then they're yours? Do you think you can bear being his best friend and witness him dating others? Seems to me this guy is wanting to have his cake and eat it to. He wants you there, but wantsto be able to have "experiences" with other girls. If I were you I would distance myself from him and see what he does. Tell him it will be to painful for you to be around him, and wait to see if he comes back to you. In the interim you might find someone not so selfish. If he comes back to you, great. if he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.