After a rejection is it generally better to have a conversation about it in order to improve the friendship or just leave unanswered questions?

[Anonymous]

If rejected by a close friend you asked on a date.

It’s always better to talk about it and resolve all unanswered questions

It’s better to leave things unsaid and pretend it never happened

[btbc92]

If your friends and you really love each other it is always good to discuss these things. You're supposed to be friends. It's everything changed simply because of all that really asked you still should you even really be involved with that kind of person in the first place? It's okay to have your space, it's okay to be uncertain about a lot of things, if you feel that way. However it is not good to leave things to uncertainty. Because the moment you leave it that way, what begins to happen is that it Fosters a lot of confusion and miscommunication. That's why you have to make sure not ugly you're talkin about how you feel, but that if you say that everything is okay, it has to be shown improving that through action. As the person says that everything is fine and day avoiding you not only days but wheezing possibly months at a time it is very clear that nothing is okay. It is very clear that the dynamic of your friendship have changed or should I say the dynamic of your relationship with that person have changed. If that person is actively avoiding you and distance themselves from you, and you didn't do anything to warrant for them to be concerned about their personal well-being, then it's clear that that person is not only not your friend, but they have no desire to have you in their life anymore. At that point they already making it their business to tell you forcefully to move on. That is where becomes disrespectful. Because you ask a person if they are okay and they have proven or so to be dishonest.

[NathanDavis]

To resolve unanswered questions is what has worked for me the best, not only in relationships but other aspects of life as well.

[Asker]

For me they are - has she ever liked me that way in the past. Is that an ok question to ask?

[NathanDavis]

It is okay to ask things, if she is willing to have this conversation yes, but you should be okay too if she's not willing to answer, or if she doesn't have an answer at the moment.

When having a conversation it might be more about trying to figure out some things together, and not about getting answers right away.

On my own experience, I had a friend, very close friend... and she started to feel differently and to want more from us, more than the friendship, and that moment althought I was feeling in a similar way, I just could not get myself into more (for reasons I had) so I ended up not getting into more with her. This, was quite a hard hit on her, she was hurt, she had sad, she was angry, embarrassed and more... however, she understood me, she knew me, and she decided not to leave. We did stick together but we became a bit distant, and it took about a week before we had an actual conversation about these things, and it was a process... it took a couple of weeks more to figure out things as I said before.

Long story short, we ended up together as a couple, and that went on for a few years and then we completed that cycle, that part of our story ended, but it did end us, we're still friends to this day, great friends actually.

If we had just left one another with all these unresolved feelings and questions, doubts "what if's" I really think that would have been one the greatest mistakes in my life.

[Asker]

Should i lay all my cards out on the table? Should I tell her I’ve liked her that way for a while but hesitated to say anything before for fear of ruining the friendship? And that I did send her a message about it before but deleted it?

[NathanDavis]

All of the cards out on the table, not right away... not all at once, it should be a gradual thing. And you should really focus on her too, if she is willing to have this conversation too, or if it will be too much for her. This is the risk, you have to be considerate about the other person, and you might have to suck it up instead, if they're not willing or able to handle this much.

But if she is up to this, then just start the process and see how it goes, gradually rather than abruptly, .

[Asker]

Maybe just better to ask her the one thing I want to know then - did she ever like me that way or did I just misread?

[NathanDavis]

She might have questions of her own, so just make sure you communicate the best way you can. the rest is not something to predict.

[Asker]

So how do I start the conversation?

[NathanDavis]

Just ask her if the two of you can talk about something important to you, if she's ok, then actually do it, just talk or say about what you have to say.

[Asker]

So then I just ask if she wants to talk about the other night when I asked her out?

[NathanDavis]

Yes, but when you ask, make sure that you also explain that this is important to you, and you need to talk about with her.

[Asker]

But I also don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to say or do anything which jeopardises the friendship.

[NathanDavis]

This will be uncomfortable and maybe also awkward by default, there is no escape to that... if the friendship is worth and real, then it will stand for what it is.

[Asker]

Do you think she’s expecting the conversation? I asked if she wanted to go for a walk briefly and she agreed to it.

[NathanDavis]

I think she's aware that it might happen eventually.

[Asker]

The thing is I genuinely like her as a friend and so I really don’t want to ruin the friendship.

[Asker]

So what do I say?

[NathanDavis]

If you like the friendship as it is, and you really don't need to look into the being together thing, then maybe it is better to not bring it up... and just go on being friends.

[Asker]

I was thinking this. And not act butt hurt. Just accept and play it cool as if you’re not bothered by it.

[NathanDavis]

If you actually feel that way, then yes, it is best to go that way.

[Asker]

I’m not sure though. I’m confused because I was sure she liked me at one point.

[NathanDavis]

If she was indeed, then she will bring up when she is ready, if it was not the case, the she won't, so just leave that up to her.

[Asker]

Ok that’s good advice. She might think I only saw her as a friend so wasn’t serious though?

[NathanDavis]

She will eventually see, that you actually care for the friendship, if you two remain friends, just give it time and it should be alright.

[Asker]

I don’t get it though. It seemed to me like she was interested for a long time before. I don’t understand what happened. It’s in the last couple of weeks I felt like she lost interest.

[NathanDavis]

Then see if you can talk about it with her.

[Asker]

But then again I don’t know. These are all signs of friendship too. Sitting/standing close, looking into me eyes in a loving way for a prolonged period, asking me lots of questions and the way she used to talk to me (flirty tone etc)

[NathanDavis]

Schrödinger's cat