My fathers side of the family has always treated me like dirt. My grandmother calls me disgusting and unattractive, my cousins all heavily bullied me throughout my school years, and my uncles make fun of me for not being able to work due to my disabilities. Christmas with them is hell.
Last year was the first year that I didn’t spend Christmas with them due to me being bedridden. It was an eye opener. Other than being bedridden, last Christmas was the best Christmas I’ve had since I was a kid. I didn’t have people putting me down all day and saying nasty things to me.
After Christmas they tried to make me feel guilty for not seeing them, but I almost laughed at that.
I want to avoid them again this Christmas. I want to spend Christmas with my partner and my mothers side of the family this year.
I want advice on what I can say or do to tell my fathers side of the family that I’m not seeing them for Christmas. I know that if I’m nasty about it and just outright tell them they’re horrible and I don’t want to see them, then they will retaliate and treat me even worse. So how can I make it clear that I don’t want to see them in the nicest way possible?
Updates
+1 y
Today I told my father that I will see him on Christmas Eve or after Christmas, and that I’m not seeing him Christmas because his family makes my life hell. He called me rude and said I should value them because they’re OUR family, not just his, so I told him I’d view them as family if they didn’t treat me like shit. He understands now that I’m standing my ground and I’m spending my Christmas with people who are kind to me 😁 thank you all for the advice and opinions!
avoid them as much as possible and hang out with your mom's side of the family and the people that you like. if they come to you and say things, then they're most likely expecting a reaction out of you, either to hurt/upset you so the best thing you could do is to ignore them, brush them off and show them that they don't affect you.
It’s best to explain to your parents about the other family members toxic behavior. How it impacts the holidays every year.
I remember when I was young, my aunts and cousins did the same thing during family holidays. I couldn’t say anything to them, because my mom didn’t want me to stoop to their level.
Then I had enough. If the party was held at our house, I would lock myself in my room. I would tell my parents that I don’t want to be disturbed and to pass the message to my other family members. Of course my mom would make the comment “then they’re going to say/think something bad about you. Which I replied “like they haven’t already?”
……….
Then if they had the party at their house, I would tell my mom “I ain’t going. I’m going to watch cable TV and eat Wendy’s.” Then my mom would get upset and say “don’t you embarrass me 😠.” I replied the obvious “How the hell would you get embarrassed? I ain’t even there!!”.
My dad defends his side of the family and never takes my side even when he’s witnessed them being horrible to me. And my mum and her side of the family all know how horrible my dads side is. So I feel like trying to explain to my dad how horrible his side of the family is, will only result in him defending their actions and him telling me to stop being a wuss and put up with it. That’s just the kind of dad he is 😕
Tell them that you were actually able to enjoy yourself last year because you were not in their company. Tell them very simply, that you will not spend Christmas with them again in the future because if their ways and their disrespect towards you. You do not not need to sound upset or angry, just very calmly tell them that you have decided not to spend Christmas with them, but with your partner because together you both enjoy each other's company. Tell them you do not enjoy being harassed, bullied, made fun of or whatever it is that they do. And if they press any further or insult you in any way, say that they need to realize how their unfair and disrespectful treatment of you has been and that you will no longer tolerate it. Hang up if they argue. You are allowed to cut ties with people who make you feel horrible or put you down. You shouldn't tolerate that from family or friends. Don't worry about your father's side if the family telling your mother's side. You will survive.
My parents were divorced and always made my like difficult during the holidays. I do remember one year when I hurt my back and spent Christmas on the floor lying on my back whacked out on pain pills watching the Stars Wars movies. It was indeed a merry Christmas.
Also, if your family is being toxic do not engage with them. Just because your relatives act this way it does not mean you have to take part in that interaction. If the family from your moms side is more welcoming to you, go see them. You decide who has access to your energy and you decide what energy you let in. Good luck, I wish you the best, make yourself, your priority.
You have to stand up for yourself so others don't use you as a door mat or pick on you to make themselves feel better. Family or not, you don't need people in your life who treat you like shit. Family and friends are supposed to be good to each other. They are supposed to lift you up when you are down, not step on you.
When I was your age, I volunteered to work on Christmas. My co-workers were happy not to have to work and I was happy not to have to walk on eggshells with my crazy relatives. It was a perfect excuse, "Oh, I can't be there. Gee... I have to work. Bummer."
I know lots of cops and firefighters that did the same thing. They used to tell their wives they wanted to work so that the younger guys with little kids could have the day off. Really they just did not want to deal with the in laws
Are you sure you have to? What do you think would happen if you simply didn't say anything and didn't see them? Sometimes that's the easiest, smoothest way way go about things. It's not like you have a plan with 1 person who will feel like they were bailed on.
They will pester me about it, and if I just say nothing and stay silent, they will pester me even more. I wish it was as easy as not saying anything and being able to avoid them that way.
I guess I just feel obligated to since they’re blood. Which I feel has been programmed into my brain from a young age, that you have to tolerate family even if they are a**holes. It’s unhealthy I know. I’m trying to teach myself that just because someone is family, doesn’t mean I have to tolerate them.
I have a sister who has been so awful to me that I avoid seeing her at all family functions. I understand how it makes life difficult and I also understand the guilt trips that relatives will try to lay on you. But none of them will ever take care of you as well as you can take care of yourself, if you make the effort.
That will have the same response people don't like to be told they are wrong it makes the feel inferior and this triggers a need to prove that person wrong. Creating more conflict
My family is very toxic as well. I personally had to move away and block them on anything they could contact me on and it was the best decision I have ever made
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