I started cutting when I was 14, so far I've been 6 months clean. Of course I have scars on my body, scars that I've been ashamed of and struggling with. I made lots of mistakes in my youth that I'm paying for now. A couple months ago she pointed out my scars and asked if I was "still doing that crap" I told her these were old scars but they just look bad because of how deep I cut.
My grandmother is never kind when she approaches the subject, never tries to make me feel better. She only makes me feel like I'm an embarrassment.
Well today she saw the same scars that she pointed out a couple months ago, and with attitude asked if I was still doing "that immature shit" I told her these are the same ones you already pointed out. Here's how the conversation went: Grandma: well they sure do look fresh Me: it's because of how deep I cut Grandma: are you even doing anything for them? Me: Yes grandma, I put oil on them. Grandma: Well it looks like it's not working, you should be putting ointment on them. Me: Please, they are my scars to deal with.
Grandma: Oh? Are you proud of them? Me: No of course not, I'm ashamed of them and you're making me feel worse. I know you think they're an eyesore and an embarrassment.
Grandma: *scoffs* Me: I know you love me but you're overstepping boundaries. Grandma: *yells* NO I AM NOT Me: *walks away* bc once the yelling starts, you can't have a normal conversation with her. She always makes me feel like shit about them and tries and to tell me what to do with them, not bc she cares but bc they are an "embarrassment"
ugh i can kind of relate, i cut a lot when i was 11 and still have scars. they're white and almost faded, but once i was in starbucks just chilling with my mom and she grabs my hand and asks if i cut and also says that they look "really fresh" and asks why i did that even though i told her they're old. one time she even went as far as to say that they look ugly. like ok? what am i supposed to do with them? they're a part of me now, so let me just accept it.
as for the grandma thing, i also have issues with her. she never once mentioned my scars at least, but she kept buying me junk food all the time (i was trying to eat healthier; i didn't completely cut out junk food but i only wanted to have them as desert and not a main meal) but she did not listen to me. once i was having an argument with her, i said that she should stop buying me sweets and she never never listened. and she just got mad and literally slapped me across the face. and my mom took her side for some reason, and even wanted me to apologize!! since when do i have to apologize for wanting to eat healthy? life sucks.
but yeah, I don't know how to deal with either of those. i never did anything about it so yeah.
@strawberryshake i only visit my grandma every other year in the summer, and she's russian. slapping is a very russian thing to do for the most part lol, so it's kind normal for the culture i guess
That’s always hard. Unfortunately we are a different generation from our elders and most do not understand why we do or did things in the first place. Stay strong.
It’s really difficult to get family members to change, especially older ones. It’s okay to be more distant if that’s what is healthiest for you, or you can try just walking away if she brings up the scars again.
Stopping self-harm and staying clean for six months is a seriously good accomplishment. Not everyone will recognize that but it is true.
Its just her way of communicating, I guess. Not much else to do about it other than trying to talk to her about it but at this point she may be stuck in her own ways. Im glad you stopped cutting and recognize it was a mistake and those scars represent a point in your life where you dont want to be again.
Im not justifying how she handled the situation with you was correct but based on the conversation it seems she means well but doesn't have the nuance to express it in a way to tailor it for what you need emotionally.
When I was 10 years old my mom and my step dad broke up there getting a divorce we did the California we moved up to Reno Nevada and my mom and the three kids moved in with my grandmother and grandfather we were supposed to be seen and not heard which I thought was always rude I know we are putting a damper on their life but still come on well anyway I grew up like that on my life about two months before she was going to pass I did in Washington I came back to Reno for a two week vacation and now my grandmother was living with my mom well I seen how my mom and my aunt retreating my grandmother and I didn't like it I thought they were being rude so after my two weeks I decided to stay another week she just got back out of the hospital and she was in lots of pain here she was supposed to be a Catholic and she was scared she was scared too that she didn't know what was going to happen so I stayed another week and I talked to her about it also down in the women area she had some sort of cancer and she was in Super pain I went out and I bought something illegal so I can make up sav lotion for her she it would numb her out down there even though it is against the law to get the product that I got I had to do it I never seen a woman be so much happier in my life at least she died happy but yeah we were always supposed to be seen and not heard which I always thought was rude
I know I'm super late but I just wanted to say that I can relate to you. I don't cut myself, never did but my mother has the same kind of behavior towards me. I guess that the best that you can do is ignoring her rude comments. She doesn't know why you hurt yourself and it seems that she doesn't take it seriously. I can relate to you. Eventually she will see that her words are not kind and that you don't want to hear it.
You're welcome :) It's so good to hear that you don't cut yourself anymore. I understand, I really understand you. She probably thinks that you used to do it only because you wanted to and not because you weren't ok.
Honestly, I’d never speak with her again. If she can’t say one loving thing to you, she’s not worth spending your time with. I can’t imagine treating someone like that and then “demanding” they spend time with me because I’m related to them. Is this the grandmother that’s dying though?
I never pictured you ask someone that cuts, your grandmother is trippin tho, you should mess with her, put makeup so your scars just disappear and see her first impression or get a fake tattoo "to hide the scars" tell her that she told you to do something about them so you did, see her reaction, might as well make the best of the situation
That's really sad. But I disagree with you how do you say she is being rude. She is not. She has gone far beyond rude and is being unkind, invasive, crossing boundaries, and toeing the line of verbal abuse
You're very welcome. And I can't say I'm surprised he would be on her side, because he does this behavior himself. Why would he condemn it in someone else?
Sorry to hear that its not fair for her to be like that. I have scars on my arm from the same thing and well sadly in addition to the others the word idiot scarred when I did that. No one knows I have them and well it makes hot weather difficult.
What the hell does my self harm have to do with her? My cuts are healing and the doctor told me to let them breathe aka not cover them up. What the fuck are you on about?
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