How to start my own life without looking selfish?

[emmaculate6754]

(Sorry for the long post, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to read ❤️)

I come from a family of 6, and I’ve been taking care of my four younger siblings along with my dad for a few years now, especially after my mom passed from cancer.

It’s been really hard and stressful to manage everything without making my own sacrifices to make sure everyone’s needs are met, and I’ve put others before myself many times over.

I’ve recently realized that if I don’t push for my independence and be a little selfish, I’ll always be sacrificing my wants for someone’s needs until much later in my life.

I do love them all very much, I’m just not sure what to do at the moment.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I understand you…

I have a big family and I have been helping them since 21.

I, too, make sacrifices and they do the same for me and I am a very selfish person.

If I leave them alone, don’t help them and go on with my life, I won’t be happy, because my family is part of who I am and I will never ever leave them alone in troubles.

They’re my motivation, I’ve been working hard and I want to make sure I can become a millionaire in the next 3-5 years, just because I can help them better.

My family is my fuel and even If I help then sometimes, they do help me even more and make me strong just by being there for me, being who they are, loving me and needing me.

I see you’re just 19. It must be a big pressure for you and I understand you a lot. While you love them, there’s some part in you wanting to fly high like a bird, like other girls your age who can rely on their families i stead of carrying them with her shoulders.

Try going somewhere else, finding a better job, and helping them financially, it will give you a space for independence, self-development and learning about yourself while you’ll be helping them from distance.

After all, there’s nothing more precious than a family.

They are people who’d stand in front of a bullet to save you, they are people who’ll never leave you alone, when you need them. So, while this is a huge burden, it can be a blessing as well.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

When I was 22, I worked 3 jobs plus part-time modeling plus studying and I really understand you…

[emmaculate6754]

Hi, thanks for your comment ❤️ It’s like you read my mind in understanding so many of my struggles and thoughts ❤️

It’s such a hard decision to make in choosing to be independent because I’m so emotionally torn in being there for them because my siblings have always relied on me, but another part of me feels that I should start living my life and making my own decisions before it’s too late.

It’s especially hard because all I’ve own in my life is working my ass off to make sure that everyone has what they needs and can live a life worth living too

But you’re right, I think going elsewhere and still supporting them financially would help me learn about myself and experience life while still helping them too. ❤️

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes, I am an older sister as well and I know the feeling to be the person siblings look up to, with hope.

I am like a superhero for my brother, he knows he can ask me anything and I’ll let it happen for him.

However, the best decision I made was going abroad, I went to China at 22, worked there, I just wanted to be far from everything and everyone, it helped me a lot, I wish I’ve stayed there longer.

While I wasn’t physically close to my family, that was the time, I could help them the most, because I wasn’t pulled back, I was free, I was happy and I have enough money to make them feel happy and safe… I was always very happy myself, that was happiest time of my life.

So, you should try that, go to different state, maybe even a country, find a job that pays well.

I was getting high salary because I refused to work for less, every time during job interviews when they offered me less than I wanted, I’d say I don’t work for less than - blah blah - and I’d refuse to start working at their company, until they offered me what I wanted, this way I became the highest paid employee in the company.

I didn’t have the “luxury” to be broke because I had a family to help. It made me strong. It will make you strong as well.

Will it be hard? Yep.

Very.

But look at them like a force behind you pushing you closer to higher and higher goals, you’ll be unstoppable.

I’d say I am even luckier than most girls, because I was taught how to be strong and I don’t know the other way of living.

[emmaculate6754]

Reading your story is really inspiring to me, especially being such a provider to my family too ❤️

I think you’re right though, I think it’ll be best to leave and start someplace new and exciting, and let my family be the driving force of my motivation and success.

I think knowing that I can provide for them through my success can help push me to heights that I never thought I could reach too.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thanks for MHO and wish you a great luck and happiness in future 💓

[emmaculate6754]

You’re welcome ☺️ Thanks for being so kind too ❤️

[Secret6620]

Be unapologetically "YOU", even if that means being selfish.

[emmaculate6754]

That’s what I’m thinking too, I’m always going to care for them and love them, but I think I have to look for myself and live my life too. It’s a hard choice to make because of all my emotions into it and with the amount of time I spent practically raising them.

[Secret6620]

💜💜

[Guy13]

Damn, you’ve got more life experience 💪 than a lot of 30 years old. Go to University, maybe from home online…get a degree that’s good in workplace since you are “Family Mom”
—Stay away from the boys…you know if they don’t love their parents or people in general then not a good match.
—It might be very difficult to find a man that affords you proper value until over 25 year hurdle. All these Momma’s Boy men are immature with life issues.
—You’ll be a Blessing for the right guy‼️

[TheBootyChest]

Talk to them and tell them this. But do it in a way that let's them know you are not leaving them behind entirely. But that they will need to fend for themselves in the smaller ways so you have time to yourself for what you want/need. But most importantly, find a compromise. Don't just lay down the law and then they don't become defensive.

[Nidal_AA]

It really seems like you have been such a good person for looking over your family...
But my answer would be to please dont stop doing it... They seem like they really need you... Your doing some good deed and they will pay off one day or perhaps in the after life... Keep going and good luck

[Claudia233]

Parents should be responsible for their own kids, not the other way around. You are not responsible for your siblings either. And in order to help, if you wish so, first you have to take care of yourself.

[AydenHazor]

As part of a large family I understand this, helping out with younger siblings from the time I was 10. If you need more time to yourself and more independence if make a couple recommendations. First, talk to your dad about setting boundaries about what you will do and what time you need for you. Second, start saving to move out and get your own place. I found that until I moved out the expectations to help with siblings and/or take care of the house didn't really let up.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. You might need to figure out how much of a help do they really need and after which point it becomes diminishing returns

If you aren't doing okay it's fine to be selfish because it becomes harder to help others when you are struggling maybe. Fix you first..

[michael1469]

... that sacrifice is a maternal trait. Good wifey material for a/your man. However, i always told my daughter to build her life as if she would never have/need a man. Otherwise the "mistake" of if we live together we will save money because you are only trying to survive. If you can survive on your own... having a person in your life is icing on the cake and if he gives you shit... you can move on w/o looking back.

[lightbulb27]

What an enlightening question… thank you for sharing. Do you know what you want to do and are there resources available to you and the family as you venture out?

[Avicenna]

It will be easier to be independent if you have your own source of income. Is that the case?

[emmaculate6754]

I do work two jobs to help my dad support my siblings, so I do have a couple of sources of income if I wanted to go independent

[Avicenna]

Then decide how much you’re willing to help him out once you move out

[In_Trance]

I think you should have a conversation with your father about it. Hopefully it will make the transition easier for you

[Johnnyboii]

That's good and all but in the end there's only one person who can fill those wants and desires and in my experience u gotta be a little selfish sometimes

[Anonymous]

Be more compassionate.