When I was 17, I was going through severe depression. I then failed a competition which made my mum furious, she told me I was a disgrace and no matter what I did to avoid her, she kept insulting me. I felt overwhelmed and at one point felt my body give up on me, I tried attempting suicide by jumping off the tracks but stopped myself as it was in public and didn't want someone to save me. I couldn't stop crying once I got home, but she would yell at me for sitting in my room crying.
My depression made me self harm, but my mum insists that she only does this so that I have a better future. I'm currently 22, she controls how I talk/act. She makes decisions on my behalf, and if I ask her not to, she gets upset saying that 'she thought I was her daughter.' I once answered her call and to hear her yelling at me for something beyond my control- I started breaking down and my cousin looked over and said 'wow, I can't imagine living your life, is she always like this? You must be traumatised.'
If I tell her to stop yelling, she yells even more, I cover my ears and beg her to stop but it doesn't help. I resort to banging my head on the wall to make her stop.
Sometimes I push against the wall or tell her I'd cut myself, but this aggravates it. I grew up believing I was wrong, I didn't know life any different. She tells me I need to be chained down and beaten, she'd convince my I was mental and it was necessary.
She used to call me dumb and stupid, she'd tell me all my friends are smarter and that I'm a total failure.
Now that I've graduated and pursing my Master's in chemistry, I thought my life would change if I convinced her that I was doing 'well'. However, I feel worse than before. I'm not happy, I'm miserable.
She says she only does this so that I can lead a happy life in the future, but this is doing me more harm than good. What can I do?
