Did he really care? Ending an affair after 5 years.

[WittyAnn]

I am married, yes, but before you trash talk, you need to understand that the marriage has been over for many years, We no longer share a bad, but we do share a home and children. Not ideal, but it is what it is.

I got involved with a single man about five years ago. We kept things simple. Meet up every two weeks, hung out, had sex. We would keep in touch during the rest of the time through email. It's safe to say we grew into friends over the years.

Recently, I started to have stronger feeling for him though, and made it known to him. He seemed fine with it, and even seemed to be getting closer to me. Then all of a sudden, he started being distant and blowing me off slightly.

Long story short, I confronted him abut using me, and him being a player, in an email. I told him it was over, because I was hurting. He has yet to reply, and that was 3 days ago. Should I expect him to reply if he really cared? Or do you think I gave him what he wanted, an exit?

[wildcat1989]

If he wanted to exit he would of exited. Period. Men are not like women and they are less likely too 'fiddle around' with what they want. They just go after it. So no, you didn't give him the 'opportunity' he was looking for. He didn't need it.

When you expressed your feelings to him it most likely scared him for multiple reasons, but that does not mean that it is over.

For one, he may feel extremely guilty for making you like him. Sex is one thing, but emotions are another. To steal that from another man may make him feel guilty for the first time even when the sex did not.

Two. You confronting him about your feelings might of made him confront his feelings as well. If he did realize that he cared for you more than he originally thought (its obvious that there is some emotional attachment to you if he continued to see you for years on end, no matter how good the sex may be), his first reaction may be to run. With all respect, you are cheating on the man you married and had children with, and chances are you had feelings for the man before you married and reproduced with him (excuse my sarcasm). So this guy may have had his first imagine of you doing this to him as well, and no one wants to get hurt.

Three. The ugly truth is men like hard to get. Anything that you value in life is something that you had to work hard to get. We quickly forget and toss aside anything that is just handed to us. It is human nature and it applies to relationships as well. Imagine playing with a cat and a cat toy. If you tease the cat, let him catch the toy then pull it away, the cat gets excited and pays close attention to the game. But as soon as you put the toy down and let the cat have it, he may bat it around once or twice, but then gets bored quickly and walks away. HUMANS ARE THE SAME WAY believe it or not. So you exposing your feelings to this man may be your way of 'letting the cat just have the toy.' This DOES NOT imply that you can't ever open up to a man or let him see your feelings, the key is timing. Too soon and they don't want to play anymore. They already obtained you. You're too easy. If you always play hard to get and never let your guard down they will also leave because they will simple give up. You need both in a relationship. Commitment is a balancing act of falling in love and playing hard to get.

Is this maybe why you don't feel the same way for your husband? Did he give you everything you wanted and you didn't have to work for it? Did he stop challenging you or lighting a fire under your butt? Dolly Parton was once asked, "whats the key to your succesfull marrage?" She replyed, "as soon as I feel my hubbie getting to comfortable with me, I withdraw myself a little bit and ruffle his feathers. It reminds him periodically why he fell in love with me in the first place."

Anyways, the email was a mistake. Suggesting that you would care if he was a player or not is just another way of exposing your vulnerabilities to him.

[wildcat1989]

The only thing that can help now is time. Do not contact him. Act like you are not effected any longer and be cheery. He will get over his fear in time and miss you (trust me, he will miss you if he has been seeing you for years). Give him time to process everything and get his tail out from in-between his legs. Let him contact you. In the mean time why don't your reassess the issues you have with your husband. Try to picture him through another woman's eyes and remember why you married the man.

[WittyAnn]

Thanks for your honesty. I have been honest with the man I have been seeing from the start. He understood that I was in a marriage, but not in a relationship with him. This man is single, has a great job, home, and has his sh*t together. He is also above averge looking. He could have his pick of women, but has not (as far as I know) dated anyone but me in this time, nor have I. His work keeps him very busy, so he has little time for leasure. Do you think he has been using me for 5 yrs?

[wildcat1989]

I think it's a little out of line to say he has been 'using you.' Saying that he 'used you' seems like you are just fishing for a reason to be upset with the guy when really you are upset with yourself. As you made clear, you are the one with a husband and children. If anybody is using anybody here, you are using him! If he is single at a time in his life where he should typically looking for someone that's a red flag. It would take quite the woman to get his attention but not a woman who cheats.

[Beauty4rmWithin]

No one can really know how you feel or what to do unless there actually in that predictament. I can tell you what you did was wrong, but who am I to tell you so. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Ther important thing however is to do what is right for you and the things that are most important to you.

However, you should just end your relationship with that guy who you have been with in secret. You should try and fix your relationship you have with your husband and become a family again. It can never be too late to save your relationship and your family. Try going to marriage counseling, things that can help you and your family grow closer and stronger. Of course it will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

I hope this helps

<3Beauty4rmWithin

[WittyAnn]

I do know what has taken place is wrong, even if my marriage has desolved. I just didn't know what to do, and all my friend had to say, was "get out of the living arrangment", and I would have moved into my own place. Then maybe it would have progressed into something real... I just can't shake the feeling that I was convient for him, as he is commited to his career. I just can't imagine being with a girl for 5 years out of convience. Is that even posable?

[wildcat1989]

Oh forgot to mention. Did you also know that according to US World report less than 2% of all affairs develop into lasting relationships?

Something about affairs, who knows, makes them meant to be strictly affairs and nothing else. The odds are against you.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, I don't see it as him "using you" for five years. In my view, a lot can *change* in five years. And don't forget, five years is just shortly before the seven years itch :-)

Have been through something similarly myself. My long-term partner sharply lost her interest in sex somewhere through our relationship (after 8 years or so). I stuck on, thinking this was temporary. Then there was no signs of it changing.

It started to hurt real bad, specially when someone treats you as if you're like furniture, has no feelings for you (if anything, it's contempt) and doesn't believe you have a right that some prisoners too have -- that to fulfil the very basic human need of sex.

Somewhere along the line, I went in (for the first time) for a very intense e-relationship. It lasted for 3 to 4 years. We both became very close (and I'm still fond of her). After awhile however, it was placing increasing pressures on me, and I couldn't sustain it. It took a toll on my health.

WIth much reluctance, I moved away. Due to complications like children, opted to stay on within the earlier relationship. While I did feel very bitter and confused while trying to make both things work, the only good thing was that the relationship helped me regain my sexual confidence. It made me feel wanted once again.

Now, am trying to work out things within the initial one. While I accept it that our sexual connect will never be as strong as it once was, am putting in efforts to make it work.

Without sitting in judgement, I can understanding how you felt and what drove you to do this. I doubt very much -- as some (who obviously lack the experience say) -- he left you as he saw you a "cheater". They say the charm of a relationship lasts for awhile, as long as it h as the nuances of forbidden fruit. Perhaps this effect wore off with time. I don't think you should blame yourself or him.

In my view, age and the growing competition from younger women, means women themselves face the odds when it comes to getting sex out of affairs and things like that. The sexual revolution was a self-serving revolution that helped men only to get more sex... from 17 to 70!

[martyfellow]

Yrs, was looking for an easy way out. 6 years is a long time to continue such a trlationship,no?

[WittyAnn]

Yes it is a long time. I expected to have some people answer my question honetly, and not have it be all about "me being a cheater", but clearly this is a subject that is too complicated for most to comprehend... and most people like to judge and bash, without knowing all of the facts:) Moving on...

[martyfellow]

i try not to judge. But 6 years of unresolved feelings...is too much.

[wildcat1989]

continued from my comment:

I don't care how much the guy seems like he doesn't care that you re cheating on your husband. HE CARES. No man respects a cheating woman, especially a well-established man. If by some chance he is using you, you set yourself up for it hunny.

No one takes affairs seriously.

[Shaun]

Why would he get serious with a woman who's cheating on her husband?

[ilyurbella]

Exactly my thought.

[Giogiogio2011]

LMAO exactly. cheating wives always do this too! they ruin something else thinking the man will get serious. My Exes Single Mom dated a married man forever, could be still. She wasted her money on him and everything. even took her daughters college loan and wasted it on him. and she thinks he loves her.

[WittyAnn]

My marriage has been over for years. We started dating very young, and have stay together for the kids and money ties only. I have tried working on our relationship, but he will not put an ounce of effort into it. I believe I have done all I can do, to make it work. it has been hard, and I have been lonley for years... but it was not my plan to have an affair and fall for the guy, but that is what happened. Trust me, my husband does not care.

[Shaun]

And all of that has nothing to do with the question I asked.

[WittyAnn]

Why would he be with me for five years, if he had no intention of getting serious? Also, if I was just cheating on my husband, and it was as simple as that, I would not have invested five years in it myself.

[Shaun]

I dunno. You sure he's been faithful to you?

[WittyAnn]

no one can be 100% sure. I really don't think he has been out fooling around. But... maybe he has. Maybe he is just a player. That was kind of my question, do players play women for five years, and still not care for the women?

[wildcat1989]

Okay before you ask, "do players play women for 5 years?" First of all, in this situation you are not technically a "woman." You are a "woman who is cheating on her husband." Just the fact that you are cheating on your husband means that you really don't have the grounds to complain about a man not treating you right.

You don't deserve it.

Do you really expect this guy to show a woman who cheats on her husband any respect? No. All you are is 5-year old nookie to him.

[Shaun]

Well said wildcat.