Should young adults help care for their grandparents?

[Anonymous]

I'm a young adult who lives at home with my mother and grandmother. I moved home to live rent-free while attending graduate school to save on costs. My mom agreed before I moved in that I would not have to pay rent as long as I was able to take care of my grandmother one weekend a month. My grandmother has a caregiver that comes during the week 4-6 hours/day.

This had been going well until my mom requested a weekend in which I was unavailable due to a school related function. She told me to "figure it out", made plans anyway, and left last weekend despite my unavailability. We ended up asking the caregiver to come by for an hour so I could leave for my event.

My mom returned today and asked for another weekend this month due to a work function. I told her I couldn't because I had a test the following Monday and I already watched my grandmother this month. She also asked for the week after Thanksgiving to attend a work function but I said no because we agreed to only weekends and I have to go to school.

Am I in the wrong here? I've been holding up my end of our agreement but my mom is asking for more. I know that I'm not doing as much as my mom in terms of my grandmother's care but grad school is my first priority and takes up the majority of my time. I also work part time. I do feel bad that my mom has to compromise on work functions, but how much of the caregiving should fall to me? Should I be more accommodating?

[Anonymous]

I would figure out a way to resolve this in a way which does not adversely impact your grandmother. That said, your mother and you made an arrangement, she insisted upon holding fast to that arrangement without compromise (presumably willing to trade some aspect of your education for whatever she had planned). For her to ask you to bend after her unwillingness to flex shows that she sees the agreement as a matter of only being valid at her convenience.

My advice is simply to bluff with a flex. Go to some affordable apartment complexes and get some brochures and then "accidentally" leave them on the coffee table for her to find. When confronted, express to her that you don't like that she expects you to bend at her whim while she is rigid and that you are looking for a more suitable living arrangement for the sake of your relationship.

Essentially, if she is going to flex, you have to flex back to retain equal footing or you will quickly find yourself walked on.

[Lyndsielee666]

I took care of my saying grandma from 7 until she died when I was 8. My kids great grandma just passed of cancer two months ago and I was there every night taking care of her up until maybe two hours before she passed. It’s extremely hard for the child of the person dying to see that shit. I only did it because it was messing with my kids dad head and he needed the help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Guy13]

I think you are very fortunate because I know what the rents are for my PhD and undergraduate students. 1200. month for a room with bathe with 4 other rooms with bath in one apartment with shared refrig living room dining room etc... on the bus line. I rented a house two blocks from campus 4 beds 2 kitchens and 2 baths for 5000.00 month. If you put things into that kind of perspective AND that it is family then you are in a great position... Just me though...

[monkeynutts]

Hard call. It's almost like you could suspend your studies, but that might make you resent your family.

[Anonymous]

If you are close then you should.