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My friend just found out her husband has cheated 3 months with a co-worker. However, it's confirmed they only made-out. It never went further than that. He never went to a hotel. She still feels betrayed.
Since they got romantically involved (non-sexual), he shared private information with her about his marriage and said deeper things too about having feeling for each other, does that count as an affair?
Or it has to be sexual for it to be an affair?
Did your friend make sure they're flirting with each other?
Defining mental and emotional affair had always been a trouble for me when it comes to my friends taking advice from me, romantic feelings, close touch and admiration as a person I don't know which are the definite for an affair not involving sex.
Maybe he's doing it without realizing or pretending he doesn't since in his dictionary he isn't actually betraying his wife and just being friends with opposite sex and using her as spiritual fun when bored, getting what he doesn't from his wife since unobtained things are often than not more important than what's already in his pocket (your friend)
My condolences for her, her husband must be kinda dead in her heart now.
Another friend of hers by random chance saw them walking in the park and kissing. She took pictures of it with her cell and sent it to my friend. Then she went on investigating mode too and she found a couple text indicating their romantic hang-outs. On a couple texts, yes he did confirmed that all they did was making-out.
The thing is she found out on those texts that he's also been sharing information about their private lives and her childhood secrets. Basically he talked about her and private stuff about their marriage, things you only say to someone you deep care/love or trust.
She's very upset and hurt. She doesn't know what went wrong with the marriage, why is he/was he pinning for her, what happened, why he betrayed her, etc.
This surely might be confusing her.
Sounds horrible for a total stranger to get to know your secrets and take over your husband.
It would be better if she doesn't confront him now and think about what to do in her future, emotional cheaters are worse than physical cheaters, he gets the chance to not acknowledge and completely deny it.
This might just be me, but personally i find emotional cheating worse than physical. With a therapy and a lot of hard work from the both of us I can learn to forgive physical cheating that happened once in a moment of weakness, but I'd never be able to forgive emotional cheating because that generally happens over a long period of time which means something was wrong with the relationship for a long time and he just didn't bother to bring it up and have us work to fix things or to just break it off with me.
Yeah that must be hurtful. Base on what she shared, her husband is the conservative, serious type and getting involved with a woman would mean taking things slow, not hoping into sex. It's killing her to know that he shared most of the details of their personal life and her childhood secrets, things that were between them. She's hurt that they were sharing quality time; the way you do with someone you care for deeply and trust.
That doesn't sound like something their relationship could recover from. They might be better off separating.
Opinion
15Opinion
Just want to start off I'm religious so my opinion is going to be based on religion. If you aren't religious and you don't like using religion to answer your problems then just ignore my opinion.
But if you are ok to hear it, I will continue. In the bible it talks a lot about marriage and relationships. I'll paraphrase but there is a part where in the bible it says just looking at another person that you find attractive who is not your significant other is a sin and disrespectful.
So the fact that this man has made out with another woman, that is for sure cheating. The woman pursuing him could have attempted it and he could have pulled back and denied it.
But they both reciprocated the kiss and let the kiss continue for some time. He admitted having feeling for this woman. It is 100% cheating. It's up to her what she wants to continue the marriage or not. Also if she can continue to trust him.
Will he do it again since he so easily did it before? Is he willing to work hard to prove to her he'll never do it again and win her back? What are his intentions?
Having engaged in an emotional affair myself, its honestly way worse. Giving someone your heart, your trust, and feelings when that person isn't your spouse; its nearly impossible to go backwards. I didn't even kiss her, but we hugged many times and shared emotions and feelings that went well beyond a friendship. The line gets blurred and by the time I knew it was a problem it was too late and the damage to my marriage was already done.
Its going to take a lot of work to move on.
yes even though my friend and her husband decided to work it out, she's having a hard time processing it, harder time to forgive him, etc.
She doesn't trust him at this moment and feels outrage that he shared personal information about their married life, about her childhood secrets and everything to her.
Plus, she's his co-worker and he can't get out of the job yet. This upsets her too.
Lol, mine was a coworker too. Um, i will tell you, a breakup will NOT go over well at work.
The attempt was still there he knew that he was married he knew right before he kissed that girl that he was married he knew after he kissed that girl he was married and he still did it and then he still went home and act like nothing even happened until he got caught and then that's when it came out now he had to say something because he was caught so he stopped at a kiss who knows if it went further he still was playing his wife as a dummy he still was selfish and only thinking of himself and then when he told her only a kiss whether that's true or not I don't know but he was still only thinking of himself
It was confirmed by texts she saw that they indeed didn't go further but it did nothing to take away her pain and feeling betrayed. He even shared information about their personal lives in their marriage and her childhood secrets. She's hurting at this moment.
I'm sorry to hear that I don't understand why people do that and why the need to talk about or share information that others trust you with since day one on the internet I have talk to many people and even in real life there are things people have trusted me with . and I have trusted them with things I have said or even shown when we meet people what we talk about should only be about us. And you never bring anyone else in the the mix and get there name involved that's first thing even if your unhappy in a relationship there is no need to talk about your ex spouse the whole thing is if your unhappy walk away and then after you not together anymore your free to do as you please. It should never be done at the same time your with someone because there is enough pain all ready the don't need to make it worse it's just being selfish.
For me an affair is emotional aswell. So even if my husband tells another woman she is gorgeous or something I consider it cheating. So making out is cheating and affair and I wish her luck because trust is fragile thing to get bavk in a relationship
She feels so betrayed at the moment. It's not just the kiss but him sharing too much information about their personal lives and her childhood secrets, things that was between them, no one else.
You appear to be getting a lot of jaded opinions. Possibly they have their own reasons. And where as there is no simple answer. The only answer is the choice that is right for her. Any way you look at it, a reconning needs to happen. But beyond that, a serious look at where the dissatisfaction came that let this happen. If it's not something comfortably addressable, then it will happen again. If it was lack of affection would showing more help? If being too clingy, can you let go a little. I have found, that when married for long periods, both parties tend to stop putting as much effort to make each other attractive or feel appreciated. So, weither you stay, or move on. Keep true to yourself, but remember when you are a couple there is more than just you.
And understand, we all make mistakes. Also, and I speak on behalf of men, we are stupid, and insecure.
She's very hurt that he shared information about their private lives and her childhood secrets. She feels she can't trust him at this moment. We're trying to work it out.
They're trying to work it out.
Girl, I consider cheating even TALKING or TEXTING romantic things to another person, I don't know the details to this relationship but no woman should go through that and ask herself what she didn't have or where she went wrong or anything like that. So if she feels like it's cheating, then it's cheating, it depends on her what she wants to do, forgive him or dump him but I personally wouldn't want to have anything to do with such an excuse of a man
They have a daughter and are trying to work on their marriage. However, my friend is bothered and upset that he still has to work with her, since she's his co-worker.
Yeah that's complicated I guess, I don't know, im not a responsible woman and I don't have a kid so I would probably beat him and her also 🤷♀️, my only advice is that if she doesn't feel comfortable she shouldn't stay just because they have a kid together
It's indeed complicated. He gets paid good and now it would be very hard to just leave his job. He can't at this moment but is promising her that any conversation with that woman is now only related to work and nothing else. She said he claimed to have ended his romance with her by now and is into working it out.
Once a cheater, always a cheater in my eyes, I don't know im trying to be considerate here and everything but I myself just couldn't forgive something like that, I wish her the best
I bet if she did that to him he would be burned up with anger.
I know right lol. That's the thing with cheaters. If you do the same they did, they wouldn't reason with their logic of ''Oh it's ok, it was just kissing''.
Exactly.
Yes, he's cheating. And the other woman will learn the hard way too, you lose them how you got them. Any person with common sense would think, If someone can cheat on their spouse then what's holding them back from cheating on me next?
If it's with a coworker, haven't you ever heard of going to the no tell motel and having sex on their lunch hour?
She has evidence they didn't have sex and that's all they did. Plus for that same reason, her husband thought that since there was no sex, she would get over it faster.
There still was some emotional attachment to some level! I’m not saying it right, but we all have an attachment to other people. But, the type and how act on becomes the problem!
She still feels betrayed because he also shared too much information about their personal lives and things pertaining to her childhood. She discovered his cheating when he lied again about staying at work for a couple hours later. He was walking with her in the park, holding hands and kissing. By random chance, one of her friends saw it, took a picture with her cell and send it to her.
Its called a transgression. Nothing less nothing more.
she's hurting at this moment... she still feels betrayed
That is her problem... she chose the guy so now she can choose to stay or leave but all this betrayed and hurting nonsense doesn't mean anything... make a decision.
It is not an affair because it was not prolonged. He did, however, take the affection that rightly belongs solely to his wife and gave it to another. To me that is cheating.
My friend is also hurt that he shared information about their private lives too. He even told her about my friend's childhood secrets. She feels as if now she can't trust him. They're working it out but she feels so betrayed. Those times he would tell her he's staying at work for a couple times it was to hang in the park with her or invite her at a restaurant.
Sorry, not cool. He must be able to control himself 100%
That is definitely an affair. Anyone who thinks otherwise would cheat if they were in a closed monogamous relationship/marriage.
Doesn't matter if It is cheating or not.
yes to her it's still cheating and she still feels betrayed
That's still an affair.
Yes and she's so hurt at this moment. It all hurts her that he shared information about their private lives in their marriage and her childhood secrets.
Omg. That's really inappropriate.
It's ony cheating if they touched tips
She doesn't think so. She still feels betrayed and cheated on. She finds long, passionate kisses cheating too.
Adultery is adultery
True. They're now working on the marriage but it took him a couple days for him to understand. My friend said he though she would get over it faster since they never had a sexual relationship, that it was just kissing.
What a piece of scat. Imagine settling for someone like that, couldn’t be me
Duh.
Certain people actually still think either only sex is cheating or an affair has to be sexual. To my friend, he still cheated and broke his vows. They're trying to work on the marriage but she's having a hard time.
It's her life and her choices. I don't really have schadensfreude but it's not our job to babysit other adults through it.
I am not allowing myself to be disrespected like that. Like what, I'm gonna tolerate being cheated on?
They definitely fucked.
Actually nope. She has the evidence indicating that's all it happened. She's still hurt. To her, that's still cheating and betrayal.
What evidence could she possibly have that no fucking occurred?
She has several messages of them (back and forth) and a couple of them was of him admitting to her that he fantasizes about it but can't go further, the chances of getting discovered is high nowadays and he'll just leave things that way.
Prior to that response, there was also a text message from the woman complaining that he isn't making further moves.
Oh interesting! So either they placed those messages in case they DID get caught (possible!) or they really didn't go further. Is it possible she sucked or jacked him off?
Yeah from the way it looks, they didn't go further. My friend is sad and upset that he would've gone further if there was no chance of getting caught, him sharing information about their private lives to her and the lying every time he would tell her he's staying a bit later at work. Those time he used it to be walking in the park with her or inviting her at a restaurant.
I'm sure to anyone, that would still be cheating. She's still hurt.
From what I understand, women tend to be MORE hurt by the emotional betrayal than by the sex. It's the opposite for most men.
Yep, it sure does.
They're working on the marriage but these things are hurting my friend:
- Knowing it would've kept going on if she would've never read their texts (confirming indeed that they only kissed but her husband expresses his fantasies and tells her it can't go further because then the chances of getting caught are higher nowadays) -
- She still has the picture another friend of hers took of them kissing in park. That friend informed her and forwarded it from her cell.
- The fact that he shared practically every single private information aobut their marriage life and her childhood secrets.
- Her husband at first tried to downplayed his cheating and expected her to get over it quickly because of his excuse that it was just kissing. The words he kept repeating was ''but I didn't have sexual relationship with that woman''
- The fact that she feels she can't trust him at all
It's still cheating
What about wife?
I would say it's the same. Making-out with someone else while married it's cheating. I was asking the question about a husband because my friend is in that situation and she's hurt over it.
Obviously
Well it took her husband a couple days to really understand how hurt she was. He thought that since it wasn't a sexual affair and it was just kissing, that she would get over it faster.
No, he probably understood perfectly well that being physical intimate with another woman while already being involved with a woman is a wrong thing to do - because this is axiomatically obvious.
So the reason it "took [him] a couple days to really understand" is because he's a narcissist who only decided to admit some fault after it was blatantly obvious to all that him being a shitty person got found out - it didn't take him long to understand; it took him long to admit he is a shitty person.
I'll also note that he would have definitely eventually tried to have sex with that lady he was having an affair with.
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