Why does my friend make excuses for someone who did me wrong?

[Anonymous]

My ex-friend, A, got with my boyfriend straight after we broke up. I'm pretty sure A was texting him during our relationship as well and so we are no longer friends. She betrayed me.

I have a mutual friend with A who is my close friend but they are not that close. She has asked me why we are no longer friends and I told her why. After I told her that A got with my boyfriend she kept making excuses for my A and the betrayal and saying she still loves her even after she backstabbed me. Is the mutual friend really my friend? Am I being unreasonable in wishing my friend had my back in this?

[PamelaRivers]

You may want to step back and look at the spot your putting them in. Your saying that she was a mutual friend. Mutual meaning she is equal friends with you and "A." Have you considered that she may also defend you when "A" comments.

Your making her feel like a steak being tore apart by two wolves. No matter which way she goes there is going to be pain. The only options she has is two be ripped one way or the other, or to completely remove herself from the situation. In that case (as in the wolf metaphor) she would lose a lot of who she is between you two. Instead of looking down on her, maybe try talking more as a friend and finding our where her feelings are? You may be surprised.

[Asker]

How would you feel if your friend slept with your boyfriend and then started dating him? She's not even sorry. It should be a no brainer that she massively backstabbed me and for my other friend to make excuses for this behaviour is ridiculous.

[Asker]

She's not even close to A, she met her through me and they are distant friends. It's just weird to not have my back in this

[PamelaRivers]

Probly the same as you. I'm just saying that the mutual friend may feel devastated and not know where to turn. If she could turn on either of you at the drop of a hat, was she really a friend to start with?

[Asker]

I get what you're saying, but surely she wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did me so dirty? Maybe I'm just different, if someone did that to my close friend I wouldn't fw them anymore.

[PamelaRivers]

Ok, clearly I misunderstood. In that case I'm not sure what to say about her not supporting you. I'm sorry my responses were made from a uninformed postion.

[Asker]

Also the mutual friend literally said "yeah but you guys were already broken up, right? She didn't know what she was doing and she can't help who she likes." Like yes she can, and it's heartbreaking for my friends to make excuses for her.

[PamelaRivers]

Only way I'd see her view is if "A" really hadn't know him before the break up. Which I find difficult if she was that close to you before.

[Asker]

Thank you girl and no worries. She did, we were all in the same friend group, and I now see she that had her eye on him when we were together. That's what's f'ed up. She went after my new man as well. And my friend is making excuses for her? Hmm

[PamelaRivers]

Wow, ok sounds like she just is after anything that is yours and the friend is more her friend than yours now and is enabling.

[Summeroflove]

Yikes... I have no idea that kind of thing is fucked up. Maybe she is defensive maybe she did something similar.

[Brando10222]

You deserve better friends girl. Remove them out of your life