I cut off contact with some toxic people but their words still affect me. How do you get past this?

Question

My dad is toxic and I had to cut contact off. I tried laying boundaries and that caused a massive fight to the point we don’t talk anymore. He’d always critized what I wore, how I look, my shape etc (I’m a US 6/UK 10). Some family I distanced myself from as they’d always bad mouth me etc for no reason, even to the point they made remarks about an accident that I was in. And then my ex was abusive too. Although I’m generally a lot happier and my mental health is so much better. I still doubt myself, I always think people will look at me and think I’m a laugh stock or look like a troll.

I have met some lovely people who say kind things etc but I just don’t believe that there’s anything good about me. I don’t know how to shake it off. I just feel I don’t deserve anything because of how I’ve been treated by people who are supposed to love me. When I make a joke my flat mate keeps saying I’m putting myself down and that I shouldn’t. I just don’t know how to get past the criticism in my head, how do you overcome it?

Juneberry91 · Accepted Answer

Thank you for opening & sharing your struggles. First of all I’m very proud of you for Acknowledging toxic behavior & springing into action by setting boundaries ❤️ This shows me that you were a strong character and keep doing what your doing over time you will get stronger. I promise you.

Life will always have optical sitting boundaries with many people the hardest is the one that we love and grew up in close proximity with. It’s not to be excused but behind everyone’s Behavior there lies a reason. Whatever it maybe it’s their responsibility.

I understand the pain your going through, Uncomfortable satisfied I did the right thing but Doubt it at times. But as time away ticks by the silence and space is the most revealing thing!

I like to share with you that I have set boundaries with certain family members of my own, friends, partners and friends. I have removed a few people from my life as well… This is how I determined to make that choice.

I set boundaries. Like you I have Acknowledge unhealthy behavior, Communicated my discomfort and what I will not tolerate. I found that there are 3 types of reactions. Group a will listen, talk with you and my healthy adjustments right away. That’s super healthy and want those people in my life. Group B meeting boundaries would be confused and not get right away. Especially if they’re used to you being a certain way and changing they need time to adapt but eventually they adjust to the new you. This is normal and still healthy. It’s group C that will be threaten by your sundown change of standing up for yourself, threaten that you don’t love them anymore or you are going against them. They taking to the fire extreme they make it personal. They will test the waters and push back your boundaries and make no adjustments. Maybe a little to get on your hood side but easily slip back to what they are familiar with. Those are the people that I cut out of my life.

We are all not perfect but I look for people that look to grow and understand. I really pay attention how I constantly feel around a person. At the end of the day if I don’t feel comfortable and on edge with somone then I don’t feel like I can give them a Genuine Relationship.
Even though you know it’s a good choice to make sometimes feelings of regret sadness or doubt come in waves but that is grief. It’s loss of someone when you let go. Life is filled with people that you’re going to constantly set boundaries with, If it is ever your desire to have children you will have to set boundaries with them. It’s nonstop so keep doing what you’re doing because it will get easier and easier to remove step away from people that do more harm then good. Spending lots of time with people that are toxic Will affect energy and mindset, It takes time to remove that toxin so please be kind and Patient with yourself. I’m very proud of you❤️

bobalife · Accepted Answer

I’m sorry, it is really tough to go through that after experiencing trauma from verbally abusive people who you care about. Sadly family’s and relationships words does psychologically affect us.
I think something that helped me was being able to identified my worth and how I’m not the negative things they said.

It sounds like you need to heal and find ways to rebuild your self-esteem. I’m kind of going through the same thing. One of my advices is, what would you tell a friend is something you can also tell yourself. Aka be kinder to yourself, give yourself grace, and positive affirmations. It’s something that you can try to apply on a daily basis or weekly to slowly change your narrative in your mind, internally, and externally.
Journaling about who you are, who you wanna be, and things you like about yourself.
Talking to positive, supportive friends about your concerns and have them uplift you.
Meeting a therapist to help you process and navigate on making some changes with the way you think about yourself, building confidence/ self-esteem, or healing from your trauma.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's understandable that the words and actions of toxic people in your life can still affect you, even after you have cut off contact with them. It takes time and effort to heal from the emotional wounds caused by toxic relationships, but it is possible to overcome them and build a positive sense of self-worth.

One way to start overcoming the negative self-talk and self-doubt is to practice self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a good friend. When you notice negative thoughts or self-criticism, try to respond with self-compassionate statements, such as "It's okay to make mistakes, everyone does" or "I am worthy of love and respect, regardless of what others may say or think."

Another helpful strategy is to focus on your strengths and positive qualities. Make a list of your achievements, talents, and things that you are proud of. You can also ask friends or family members to share what they appreciate about you. By focusing on your strengths and positive qualities, you can start to see yourself in a more positive light.

It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor, who can help you process your experiences and develop strategies for managing negative self-talk and building self-esteem. A therapist can also help you develop healthy boundaries and assertiveness skills, which can be helpful when dealing with toxic people in the future.

Remember that healing from toxic relationships is a process, and it takes time and effort to overcome the negative effects of these experiences. Be patient and kind to yourself, and keep working towards building a positive sense of self-worth and self-respect.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Words are words and yes if you believe them or if they are true. That's when it hurt..

Every one that we know is at one time or another are going to be passed and they might say something you don't like. Let it go if it's not true. Let it go if it's true then change it... everyone has the right for their opinion and we always want people to like us so we hate when we get put down belittled or shamed but no matter what something positive will come from it anything that's ever negative something good comes from it but you have to allow it to it's not that big of a deal it's a word it's a feeling it's an emotion if it's true deal with it like I said but if it's not let it go it's not worth it and one day they might apologize maybe one day they might not who knows and for me I don't care if they do or not because I know who I am I know what I'm all about and that's all that counts but you have to be honest with yourself too that's the key you have to be honest with yourself 100% and really look at everything deep it's not a bad thing that somebody said something negative towards you it gives you an opportunity to take a good look at yourself and change maybe in other areas

Peter_Penetrator · Answer

This is how I have dealt with those toxic thoughts:

I went 25 years without speaking to my two evil stepsisters. I still can’t fit into that glass slipper, however, and I let that pumpkin die on the vine.

I went the last 5 years of our marriage without speaking to my ex wife.

When you do that, you are the one in control now. You rob them of the power they have over your emotions. Their narcissistic personality can’t take it.

Live with the satisfaction of having that control over them. Not the other way around.

If they keep pushing for a reason for you ignoring them give them calm, short answers and don’t look them in the eye.

Remember, they are looking for you to lose your shit.

With narcissists, it is all about them.

You have to make it about your mental health.

It is hard, but some of the hardest things you do can also be the most fun.

Don’t feel guilty for protecting your mental health and see a therapist. It can be difficult to turn your back on loved ones and you can’t do it alone.

Anonymous · Answer

Real simple. Stuff will only keep bugging you when you've not addressed it properly.

It's possible you still hurt from it having been said, but you need to separate the hurt because its coming from people you loved / respected and hurt for the thing itself (meaning, try to consider those things as a emotionless consideration for yourself, and if you can't not be emotional figure out whats makig you hurt).

Face yourself and any truth in whats been said, if they are lies, understand why they are lies, check yourself always to not be the thing they lied.

If its a truth, but its something your finding difficult changing; Self resolve and come up with a plan to make changes for yourself.

If its a truth, but its something you've accepted about yourself and are just hurt people focus on that. Be fully aware, find something you love or are proud of in who you are and double down on that.

You will get past it when you've resolved the matters are not concerns for you and then are able to see they where said purely for your hurt. If you can find they might have been said out of misplaced love for you, take the time to sympathise and maybe even understand

Parents are as flawed as anyone else, often more so. Good luck.

Anonymous · Answer

I had to create a firm boundary with a family member about 6 years ago. I don’t directly talk to my mother (for good reason) unless it’s absolutely necessary. I might give her a hug at family get togethers and holidays. But other than that I don’t talk to her.

I told years ago I wanted a private conversation with her about I’m angry about. She’s afraid to have it and instead kept trying to use my dad as her “enforcer” to try to get me to do what she wants. Ah not happening. Nope. Not when I’ve been a 100% independent man for years. She can’t get away with that crap anymore (she’s is used to controlling my dad though)

Long story short you can love somebody and not like them. Biblically I have to honor my parents. But honoring someone doesn’t mean you have to like them or worse let them get their way with you when you’re a grown ass 100% independent adult.

However there is this asinine societal belief that abusive mothers somehow don’t exist (due to feminism). Also a mother supposedly is incapable of harming her son or some other nonsense.

No a mother can have a very detrimental impact on a son. A young man will grow up believing that her behavior is “normal” for women only to find out later (usually the hard way) she turned out to be a horrible female role model.

But guys aren’t allowed to bring this up without looking like “pussies” or some bs.

whirled_up_girl · Answer

I know it can be difficult but you have to not give other people that much control over you. We mostly can't control what other people say to us or how they treat us but we can control how we react to it and whether we let it bother us. I would try being more positive about yourself, think of things that you like about yourself and that other people should like about you as well. You say you don't believe there is anything positive but apparently your flatmate thinks you shouldn't be putting yourself down. I would think that person sees something positive in you, enough to not want to see you put your self down like that.

Paris13 · Answer

I have a Sister Blister who is Jealous of Me and many Times, It is Toxic with He4r. One Time, I had to Block her on my Phone Because she Cut Down Family I had had in Egypt. Some people you Do have to Drop or Just stay Civil With, sweetheart. My Advice: CONSIDER THE SOURCE. HUUUUGS. xxoo

strateguy632 · Answer

depends if you remember their words then respond by discredited them like they saw you wrong. if you have feeling worthless nothing good then rhink of accomplishments if garduated high school or college. if academic does not comfort you then learn a skill office manager or whatever and then you have a skill whether you work that job or something you like better so learning a skill helped me.

Screenwriter · Answer

Talk to a professional counselor, therapist, psychologist to get past these doubts about yourself. Everyone is worthy of love and kindness. Sometimes you have to absent yourself from the very people who've raised you if they aren't right in the heads and hearts. It's unfortunate. But maybe sometime in the future, you'll come to a resolution. Lean on those who s upport you positively, not berate you negatively.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Maybe you are a sensitive and caring person and these other people, don't understand you. Give yourself lots of positive self talk, make plans and measure your success so you see yourself improving, no matter what. Doesn't matter where you are at, but where you are going.

I think you get past it by taking responsibility to be whom you want to be, to be your best.

Not easy to cut off contact with family... brave.

Haha456 · Answer

my parents are like that too. They talk shit about me 24/7. I'm abandoning them too next janurary. You keep having negative thoughts about yourself because you spent your entire life hearing negativity about yourself. In order to change this mind, set, start surrounding yourself with positive people. Write down all your positive attributes on a daily basis. Do things that you are good at.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Honestly the words forever haunt me but relief comes over me when i remind myself that cutting them off was the best thing for my life

nawtee_me · Answer

Forgive them... As long as you hold onto resentments towards someone then you are bound to them even if you never see them again. Every time you hear their name or think about them from situation that occurs it will affect you. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you... It is so when you hear their name or think of them the forgiveness allows you to let them go and move on... Forgiving them helps you to cut ties and move on without them...

Jltakk · Answer

Its taken me a long time to understand and accept that I was living with toxic and abusive parents. to the point that I question if a lot of my mental issues and suffering is down to straight up trauma. The words still stay on a loop as confirmation of my negative biases towards myself every second of every day. I wish I was exaggerating this.

Hulk_kitty · Answer

Basically you have low self worth, and you need to build it back your self-esteem  Look on youtube on how to rebuild your self esteem again.

StormChaser838 · Answer

Just fuck them all. Hard to do but u must. Then just have ur kicks before the whole shit house blows up in smoke

Unit1 · Answer

Use their toxicity as a basis to protect yourself from them. It will remind you of the reason you had to cut them off and no longer associate yourself with them.

Raaj4you · Answer

Don't worry, you are not alone. I have had a similar experience, I am not in contact with anyone other than my parents. You need to change your job, location, keep yourself busy and find a new partner. Life is short, forget about the past.

mb120101 · Answer

If its exes you'll move on but if your family haunts you id recommend therapy

itsalyssaagain · Answer

I’m going through the same thing. I think getting therapy is useful.

David4358 · Answer

are you talking to a therapist? when its family drama its harder to shake off so getting some help is not a bad thing

red324 · Answer

Sweep it under the rung and worry about something else for a while. If they're toxic then their words probably don't hold much meaning.

Snakeyes7 · Answer

Give it time to get used to not constantly hearing it anymore.

Engin12 · Answer

You do you. Be the best you can and if that makes you happy forget about the rest.

Anonymous · Answer

Give yourself time and slowly teach your mind to see the beauty in the world not the ugly

Monalisa77 · Answer

Im the same. My own mother has no respect for me😢

annabananna · Answer

How long has it been that you’ve cut off contact?

Britney04 · Answer

I say professional help is only way.

justabuddy · Answer

healing takes time.

I cut off contact with some toxic people but their words still affect me. How do you get past this?

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