My 2 good friends ditched me, did I deserve it?

[Anonymous]

I've always had more privileges just for being a white girl (an only child) raised in a wealthy household. My father is a surgeon and mother a psychologist that has her own clinic.

I never had any trouble making friends and my school is mainly whites but there are some minorities too. I hang out with the popular crowd at school but they're very selective too. They don't like anyone, esp minorities. Though on Sunday (the only day I'm not available for my friends), I secretly invited over two Mexican girls. My parents don't mind at all. The only single rule I have is to please keep this a secret. I told them not to tell anyone at school that we're friends, don't greet me when I'm at with the crowd and don't tell anyone that they are in my house on Sundays.

Both were ok with that deal in the beginning but I just received a message from them. Now they don't want to talk to me nor hang out on Sundays unless I speak up against the entire group, that if I was their real friend I wouldn't care about risking it all. They feel I'm treating them as if they were a dirty secret and have ditched me.

Did I deserve to get ditched like that? I never insulted them. My parents and I treated them with kindness. All I ever requested was for them to keep our friendship a secret.

Updates

+1 y

If I tell my parents what just happened, knowing them very well... they are going to likely be disappointed and tell me the same thing; to stand up for what is right.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yes, it does sound like you deserved to be ditched by your Mexican friends. Here are some things to consider:

1) You were asking them to keep your friendship a secret, which implies that you were ashamed to be seen as their friend publicly. This is understandably hurtful and offensive to them.

2) By not speaking up against the exclusionary and discriminatory attitudes of your "popular" friends, you are tacitly condoning that behavior. Your Mexican friends likely saw this as a betrayal.

3) Your Mexican friends have self-respect and don't want to be your "dirty little secret." They want a real, authentic friendship that you are apparently unwilling or unable to offer publicly.

4) Your insistence on secrecy was demeaning and treated your Mexican friends as "less than." They rightfully called you out for this and cut ties with someone who didn't truly value them as equals.

5) If you want to be a true ally and friend to minorities, you need to be willing to risk your privileged social standing and speak up for what's right. Hiding your minority friendships only perpetuates discrimination.

In summary, you certainly deserved to be ditched by your Mexican friends given how you were treating them - like a shameful secret, not true equals. If you want to remedy this situation, I recommend genuinely reflecting on your attitudes, being willing to stand up for your principles, and apologizing sincerely to your now-former friends.

Your parents are right - standing up for what's right, even at personal cost, is the morally upright thing to do. I hope you'll consider their perspective and learn from this experience going forward.

[Staximus]

Requesting them to keep your friendship a secret was a big insult, they weren't good enough for you to be seen with in public. You can't treat people like this. Treating people right is much more important than looking cool in front of a bunch of stuck up racist shitty people. That stuck up crowd that you want to look so cool for is actually the people who you should not want to be seen with. I hope you learn your lesson and you should talk to your parents about this. Be good to good people and don't associate with shitty people. You can't be so worried about acceptance from people who others think are cool. If they don't accept you, they aren't worth knowing. I knew girls like you back in school in the 90's. They were dying for acceptance, would become cheerleaders, fuck some douche bag jock, feel guilty after he ditched her and the whole school thinks she's a whore, then smoke meth with the bad girl cheerleaders, then start fucking the whole football team. This is an extreme example but I've seen it happen a few times when I was in high school. Searching for acceptance with "the in crowd" or the "cool crowd" is a downward spiral you need to steer clear of. Please heed my warning. Never sacrifice your morals, do bad things, or treat people badly just to look cool.

[Alli39]

People in the comments have said it. Morally speaking, you should have defended your friends. I get that your situation was awkward/difficult, being in a racist environment when you don't have the same prejudices but everyone expects you to. I think the best thing you can do is acknowledge that your actions were hurtful, learn about why (you might look into racially-motivated micro-aggressions), and apologize to your Mexican friends. Being a true friend sometimes means making sacrifices. Even if you don't have that bravery now, I hope you'll find it one day.

[Anonymous]

How about try putting yourself in someone else's shoes. If whites were the minorities, would you be ok with someone telling you while they want to be friends with you have to keep the relationship a secret meaning you can't talk or hang out with them in public. I agree with the two girls I would have done the same.

[inhua]

no one is obligated to be anyone's friend or do something for a friend

however it does call into the strength of this "friendship"

it's no different to a girl who is ashamed of letting the public know who her boyfriend is

[Mynameisbobby]

You are treating them like a dirty secret. I would've ditched you too. That's just mean.

[CrimsonAngel09]

I'll take this is a lie for $500 Alex.