Do you think it’s toxic when family members always need your help?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Not just one but all three of them, always expecting help from you, they never ask me unless I offer some help, but knowing that they are struggling is a burden for me.

I wish I could relax for a moment and know that whatever happens, they’ll cope with it alone,

I’d wish to be able to relax and know that I can be weak sometimes too and I don’t have to be strong, because my mom, dad and brother look up to me.

As if you are some kind of God, when you are just a girl, wishing to live a life where you don’t have to worry about the survival of your family, when you know they are capable enough to survive on their own and you can just concentrate on your own life.

I don’t usually need their help other than emotional support sometimes, they know I’ll find a way and figure out things on my own, but I don’t have the hope that they’ll do the same.

I never accepted any help from them ever since I left home and it would be amazing luxury to know that they too, don’t need my help, that they are strong, independent and capable and I don’t have to divide myself into 3 parts to be a support system for them.

I just wish they could be stronger…

I am tired. It’s a huge pressure and a burden for me.

I am not expecting help from them and that’s something I never wish or hope for, all I want is to know they are strong enough to make it without my help too, so I can be a little bit more selfish sometimes and know that I only have to carry myself on my shoulders instead of three other people.

I also love them a lot and can’t do it any other way, whatever they are like, they are and always will be my family and the most precious and best people in the world for me, I’d die for them and I know they’d do the same.

I just wish they could be more self-sufficient and independent.

Updates

8 mo

Thanks people, I am done renting ^_^

Thanks for listening and relating.

[Z1pTD]

Anything I say, take with a grain of salt because I'm human so I make mistakes, I am biased, and just straight up I am not always right 😂

The answer to your question is at the very end of this opinion, but I also replied more specifically to the other things you said if you want to read through it on the way

Okay first off, massive props to you for being successful enough to take care of other people. Most people never get to that stage of life in this modern world.

Second, you said that they don't ask you for any sort of assistance, but accept help when you offer it. That's the best they can do (in relation to you) in the situation. Asking you for help would be assuming and could come across that they expect you to help, as if you owe it to them. On the flip side, refusing help when you offer it would seem as if they wanted to distance themselves from you and would be very rude, and could hurt your relationship.

Third, I get it. There was a period of time when I had more "spare" money then anyone in my family and my family members needed my help, so obviously I would help and not wait for them to ask. I know that it can get a stressful/worrisome especially when you're trying to live your own good life and/or save money, but if you are going to help them than that's not something you should begrudge them when it was your decision to help them.

Fourth, you're saying the fact that THEY are struggling is a burden on YOU? I get what you mean, but let's weigh who really holds the emotional burden so we can stay focused. They're the ones who are struggling and are dealing with that burden, not in the same way you are (as a burden of someone you care about), but as a burden that /is theirs/, they possess that burden and live constantly with it hanging over /their/ heads. They're the one's living in pain and living with the burden even more you.

Fifth, I'm sure you aren't trying to but it seems as if you're putting them down quite a bit when you're saying that you wish you could "be weak sometimes too," implying that they are weak people. Additionally you say that "(they) look up to (you)," "as some sort of God." You're (hopefully unintentionally) putting yourself above them and therefore saying that they are below you. You also say that while you "find a way and figure things out" for yourself, you "don't have the hope that they'll ever do the same." What you're saying is that while you're strong and capable (which you are, I'm not disagreeing with that), your family is weak and without even a hope that they will ever be strong and capable. That's awful!

Lastly, are they toxic /because/ they need your help? Having difficulties in this world is very common. It's not toxic to need help from other people. For thousands of years us commoners have helped our kin and stayed close in that way without it being a problem. So no, they definitely aren't toxic /because/ they need help. Now, they may be toxic people, but that's a separate issue.

[Z1pTD]

Also ngl lol I'd be so pissed if I was them and I saw this post. Hopefully they aren't on this platform 😅

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

They are amazing. I am not a good daughter nor a sister, I am the most selfish one, maybe that’s why I don’t struggle.

I just needed to get it off my shoulders, If I didn’t have them my life would be miserable, they - too are my support system and they do strengthen me and everything I’ve ever done, I’ve done because I was fueled by their love.

I am not a very good person, and yet they love me the way I am.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it and will think about it.

I don’t think I am any more than them, god forbid me to think that, I just think they are too good, too kind, far better human beings than I am.

I do look up to them as well, they are memorial support system and the fundament on which my personality or any of my strengths are built on.

They’d not be pissed if they read this post, they know I am annoying as hell and they know that regardless of that, I’ll still always be there for them.

[Z1pTD]

Yep, I was the second way ngl re being the selfish one. I grew out of it but yeah lol

That's fair, better to vent about something and take care of it than to let it stew and then boil over :)

Ofc lol it was an interesting post so I had fun replying

I gotcha, like I said "I'm sure you are trying to." If they know that, that's what matters not my opinion lol

Haha gtk

[BoopBoopBeep]

I think it depends on the family member. My mom has always been there for me. When she's needed me to be there for her I did it gladly. She got hurt, I covered her bills. With a smile on my face. She raised me alone. I got her an annuity to provide for her in retirement. HER mom was trash. My dad's side is trash. They are all users. I'm not even sure which of them are still alive, as they were cut from my life long ago. I woulnd't piss in their face if they were on fire.

You can't help others at the expense of yourself. Eventually you stress yourself into a stroke and you won't be around to help them or anyone else, and then everyone loses.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My family has been amazing as well.

Their only flaw is that they are not so helpful to themselves… And it’s a burden for me, because even if they never ask, I can never fully relax knowing they need me.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I would certainly say some of your extended family needs work. Disrespecting your mom is certainly not being amazing to you. Or are we excluding them from this topic, because then it makes sense.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am excluding them,

My family - my mom, my dad, my brother

[BoopBoopBeep]

Oh then yeah, concur. Sometimes the hardest person to help is yourself. Perhaps it runs in your family, and now that you're older and can self-reflect you are more prone to seeing how they do the same.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think I do well, I am quite independent

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What runs in my family?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My maternal grandma was a very successful actress and a famous politician later on.

My grandpa was a successful warrior I was always proud of.

They were very strong and self sufficient. I don’t know how their children ended up this way.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I think you are independent too from what I've seen. I think you emotionally invest in others to the detriment of yourself sometimes. I think you want to see the good in other people when it may not be there to the extent you would like, and you see them for who they could be more than who they are right now, and in doing so you submit yourself to a feeling of isolation when they are found to come up lacking, because the peer you thought was there isn't after all. I think it saddens you when you see a person is who they are and not who they could be/should be/said they were (I also think all this is justified by the way... I do much of it myself, which is how I can see it in others) and I think your investment in them is not easily removed, as opposed to a financial investment that is not performing, which you could easily replace with a better fund.

Of course I'm just some smooth-brained knuckledragger on the internet so my opinion is kind of worth what I charge for it ;)

[BoopBoopBeep]

"What runs in my family"
Selfless service to others at the peril of yourself/their selves, I would venture.

You have politicians and warriors in your family. Yes, you come from a distinguished line of service to others.

[BoopBoopBeep]

It's not a bad thing, if that was unclear. Hell you know the gist of what I've done. I'm a great many things but not a hypocrite.

[ShesRad80]

not toxic per say more like way too dependent and needy. i went through is as well from a very early age- it is a huge burden and mentally taxing, to be everyones everything. find something that makes you happy, a hobby something that can create a small escape for you. while it won't solve your problem having that mental escape for a bit def helps. in the end you will have to set some boundries and probably have a talk with them. just know you aren't alone or the only one who has gone or going through this, stay strong

[dynamicyandere]

Toxic is too strong of a word.


They ARE quite dependent though, which ideally shouldn’t be since they are already adults.


One book that really helped me navigate setting boundaries between my parents and I is this one…


Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud



The author has a religious background, which may or may not apply to you, but the insights provided are really useful for finding that sweet spot between being too harsh and being too lenient, when it comes to setting boundaries with family members.


I hope that helps!


If you check out the book, I’d like to know what you think. 🙂

[Guido]

We don't get to choose our family and helping each other is something we do because they are family.

We might not like it at the time but later in life when they are gone, you remember that you helped them.

At some point we are going to get older and our kids will be burdened with helping us.

I get that it can be a struggle at times but by doing it you are showing what a good person you are and you know you did the right thing.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yeah, but helping others when you haven’t even helped yourself enough yet,

When you have them depended on you for years and you never truly enjoyed being young the way lots of other young people did,

You could never be careless, never be a little bit selfish, never live a life without a worry about them, it’s mentally exhausting.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

At some point in your life, you can have a free life, right?

You’re not supposed to carry your parents on your shoulders ever since you are 20-22.

At that age, they should be capable to do on on their own right?

[Guido]

It's true that at their age, they should be looking after you and not the other way around. There is a very large difference between cultures on this. Western culture is more self-absorbed with themselves and less consideration for family in general. Other parts of the world are highly family driven, and the kids support the family until they are the old ones, and then they are supported. I don't know where you and your family are, but I suspect that your culture is somewhere in between the two extremes. If I had to guess, I would say it sounds like an Eastern Block country or a breakaway state from the Soviet Union.

There is a huge difference in standards of living and how family treats each other throughout the world. What people grow up with is what they know until they travel and see how it is elsewhere, and lots of people never leave where they grew up.

I have had the opportunity to travel to many countries and realize that in Canada, I have it pretty good and better than a lot of places I have been.

I understand your struggles and really hope life gets better for you so you can enjoy your life while you're still young.

[Andres77]

That used to be the case but they eventually got their mess together