Why do people gatekeep their friends from social circles and activities?

[El956]

I been living abroad for 8 years and I struggled with feeling alienated and disconnected. I have some old university friends and we see each other once every few weeks or months. I have also made one female friend on social apps. I noticed something. My friends have very nerdy niche interests and are neurodivergent, they do invite me to get togethers out of courtesy but I feel they never make the effort to bond or be closer friends. I end up listening to them and adjusting, but they don't meet me in the middle. I have had closer friendships online but it's frustrating not being able to physically spend time with said people. Also my female friends, they pretty much show off to me activities they do that I would enjoy but they didn't invite me to and they tell me how much they enjoyed it.. It feels like I am a placeholder friend. I don't enjoy what the popular activities there are like drinking, clubbing, going to pub crawls. When I tried doing those activities I felt incredibly out of place and alienated. I have days when I feel really depressed. In dating department I am never lucky to find someone that feels the same about me even when I put my best forward. I feel like all the work I have done is in vain if I can't be happy with people that want to do activities together and enjoy each other. I feel like something is wrong with me everytime I am getting rejected and like I need to spend even more time alone and be better alone, but I am 27 years old and when I look around people have got a lot more going on. I just have a remote job and remote studying...

[JustTryingToLife]

Maybe they just don't think you'll enjoy it. It sounds like you have different groups for different things and they don't really ever collide.
Maybe you just haven't found your people yet and that's OK. It takes time but it's worth it when you finally do. Stop doing things you don't like and start looking for things you enjoy, that's where you're going to find people more like you.
Sounds like you're holding onto old relationships that don't really work anymore because you're afraid to let go because you don't have any other friendship lined up.
Start doing more on your own. I know it can be hard but at least then you can find out what you want.
Also tell your friends how you feel. Maybe they don't know and can help. Plus their answers will give you more of an insight as to where you stand in their lives in terms of your friendship.

[dustybiker2]

You are an adult. The world will never ever meet you half way. You want something step up. Next time they talk about these activities. Tell them "Next time you go I'm in."


My guess is in the past they invited you but you gave weak excuses. And now you want to go they expect you are would only reject their offer.

[El956]

Actually I been a yes person even when it was bad idea to. I said yes to activities that drained me like the ones stated. Turns out clubbing and drinking are bad for me. And I did try to tell that friend that I would love to go next time, I don't think she got the memo.

[dustybiker2]

Something happened. Woman only act like this when they feel hurt.

[El956]

I cannot think of anything I could have said or done to her that would hurt her. I don't know.

[dustybiker2]

Direct approach? Ask her. See if anything is wrong. Chances are she might not share though.

[strateguy632]

mainly because nerds included myself we didn't notice nor learn social skills.

"everyone around us speaks in some code language! ' attributed to an autist in a film about a famous code breaker.

[El956]

I know it's hard and one of my closer friends online is autistic, we do get on well but with the offline ones for some reason, feels off, like they only try to get me to like their things, but act with 0 interest around things I want to discuss so I stopped talking much and am just attending get together for the sake of leaving the house and then listen to them. I sometimes wonder if they feel I am too stupid to understand them.

[Jamie05rhs]

Not sure, but your friends are bitches. I say you should confront them about it. Invite yourself to something; and if they don't let you come, then tell them off and then cut them off.

[TrueConfection]

There is nothing wrong with you from my perspective. Here is the problem;

You are different because you don't settle for shallow "friendships" just for the sake of counting them as "friends".

You have dignity and self worth. You're not subjecting yourself to awkward moments for the sake of pleasing others.

The fake people are looking for similar company. They might have a friend who is more like you and there is likely a fear of exclusion by introducing you to eachother.

[midnightmoon05]

You need to get a life couch to help you learn how to socialize. Or you do it yourself.
everyone is kinda in the same boat as you.
if you can’t figure it out is because you don’t want to make changes.
I don’t drink… I go from time to time so I can have some fun with my friends… they even tease that I should order milk!! Who cares… do have fun and order milk.
yiu sound like the world ownns you.

[worldscolide]

That's easier said than done if she's neuro divergent her self. My wife for example is autistic, she has a massive amount of trouble with socialization. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's that social situations are overwhelming for her and cause her to shut down, and sometimes cry. It's not her fault either. In the background I've been helping with that, any time I'm around my friends I do my best to include her, and as a result she finds it easier to talk and joke, but it's still a struggle for her.

[El956]

You are being disrespectful in your last line. In actuality I used to hang out with the social butterflies who do enjoy drinking and partying. They were fake and the world revolved actually AROUND them and they were inconsiderate of anyone else who didn't align with their agenda or had other values in life. I left that group for the very reason. Issue with bad people is they see things only from their own perspective and are self serving in ways that hurt or disconsider other's needs and valuesm

[midnightmoon05]

Welcome to the real world and thank your for getting to know me. Call me mean, I am very blunt and honest.
The world is not a very kind place. Perhaps you are figuring that out now.
So now that you have shared this along with your next question… which is similar.
What have you learned?

[worldscolide]

Yeah @midnightmoon05 I don't think she gets you.

[midnightmoon05]

Worldscoildie
You two are lucky to have each other. ❤️
It’s not easy i agree. I had to learned the hard way without the support of a spouse.

My daughter now 17 is kinda like that… she asked me the other day if there is something wrong with her. She was never diagnosed with what your wife had.
We had her evaluated in 3rd. Was anxiety and comprehension.
However, she does cry after a social gathering and gets overwhelmed in crowded places.
I don’t know if it’s personality. Lucky, she has learn to find good friends who are her kind.

[worldscolide]

You sound like a good mom! And finding good friends will make things easier on her. Unfortunately the people my wife called "friends" treated her like she was broken. It broke my heart to see that. I wish people could see what I see when I look at her.

[midnightmoon05]

@worldscolide
Thank you, it takes a village to raise a child. In this case, I have support from hubby and other family members.
Sometimes I wonder if our divorce helped her. She used to have fear seeing daddy due to his own issues…
I think around 16, she started to mature and learned to see daddy as a human being who loves her in his own way… we are all good now.
However, parenting is a lifetime job. 😊. I too explain… as we change and grow together … my interference becomes less… later on when they become adults, my job will mostly be their guide/support when they need me.
Curious when was your wife diagnosed?
Since you met her at the time of your adulthood…how does she feel after an event outing with you? After she returns home?

[worldscolide]

My wife was diagnosed at 13. She is usually tired after our evenings out. But never unhappy. When we first met, my wife was very up front about her condition, so I spent months researching it, familiarizing my self with it, so I can better understand her and better take care of her. As a result our marriage, other than an argument here and there, has been smooth. Most importantly I never ever use asperger's syndrome against her, cause that would make me a shit husband. And I never treat her like she is broken. There is a bit of a down side though. I'm very sensitive to her chances in demeanor, and the like so sometimes I may think something is wrong when there really is nothing wrong.

Man I'm rambling sorry.

[El956]

I don't need your sass. I know this is a shithole of a world. I been bullied and excluded my whole life by shitty people. I don't give a shit if you think you are 'telling it as it is' to a stranger on the internet makes you any better.

[El956]

However I am mindful that I don't want people like you who tell me without knowing much, who are probably talking out of privilege with a support network, that I don't understand how the world works.

[NoneOfYourBusiness96]

You are just a divorced old cuunt envious of the younger women coming after you. You like brutal honesty but brag about having the empathy and support of family and friends. You are a self serving bitch that likes to keep others alone and to benefit alone from support. Get out of here. You should look at yourself. Full of shit. I feel bad for your duaghter. Look what kinda piece of shit parent she has.

[thatshydork]

Maybe they think you wouldn’t get along well with them. Maybe they think you wouldn’t enjoy some of the things they go do. Maybe they want to sometimes just spend time with specific people. It could also be a million other things and there’s honestly no point in asking yourself why over and over.

[DishLady]

Your question and enormous block paragraph aren't very clear... What do you mean by gatekeeping? Like obstructing your ability to flirt with a guy? Seems like your own depression is what's doing that regardless of your friends...

[kylee2437]

Because they are on the same mindset you are on. I’m sure your friends have friends that do the plan making thus it seems like your friends do everything without you

[purplepoppy]

You have different groups of friends so if you have issues within one group it doesn't transfer to your other friends.

[paledreams]

The joys of why I stay at home 🏠🏡 - never owned a passport - no advice, yet perhaps take that with an ear of perhaps some, some, wisdom 👂🏻 ✨🪄

[noohair]

I have some insight, Where are you from and what country do you live in now?

[El956]

The UK. I lived in the UK. I am back to Romania this Summer with family. I don't know people here but since I had bad experiences in the UK, I feel better, more productive here and dread the thought that I need to go back. I want to leave UK forever. Bad culture.

[El956]

The UK I see as a country fit for highly disagreeable, low in empathy but competitive people who want to earn money, and in their free time have nights out with heavy drinking and flings, you know, live the good bachelor life that focuses on themselves as a social cosmopolitan being with bouts of hedonism.

[El956]

It dishonors and alienates the quiet, peaceful aspirations of people who don't fit the culture.

[noohair]

I live in the US. It is a mobile culture. I was born in NYC. Lived in Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Chicago, Southern Illinois and Palm Beach County. I am now in Florida, north of Orlando. In Europe, I understand it is different. I have no contact with the people I grew up with. In certain European countries, people live in the same town they grew up in. Their circle of friends is set and no one gets in. This situation can be harsh for outsiders. Good luck.

[El956]

Thank you

[Markella2003]

Cause they can’t stand to be not centered of the world.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean gatekeep friends?

[El956]

I mean, I think some of my friends don't want me to meet their friends and keep some opportunities to themselves.

[Opinion Owner]

Not good

[Christiansoul]

It is easy to love your friends.