What is the best way to deal with a critical parent in middle adulthood?

[Anonymous]

I feel like my dad is a really critical person-towards me. I’m generally a kind, eager to please sort, but I’m needy and I’m not afraid to show my vulnerable side. That seems to annoy my dad. I am who I am.

Sometimes I feel like pointing out his own faults when he starts on me. Eventually he starts to criticise me again. Find fault with me. I’ve noticed he doesn’t verbally attack my mum. I’ve found that sometimes I ignore him, if he’s really annoying me, so as not to escalate the situation, as I can’t change him. Other times I’ve told him he’s out of line or snapped at him. All of them have been effective.

But I think while neither of us see eye to eye on many things, or particularly like each other, he is not a bad person. He’s a good person who just wasn’t cut out to be a dad and probably never wanted kids. I’m a good person who’s nothing like him and wanted a completely different father.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that sounds really hard to deal with your dad being so critical all the time. It's not cool of him to keep picking on you like that.

From the sounds of it, you're trying different ways to handle it which is good - sometimes ignoring works best, sometimes standing up for yourself. But I know that's still really draining long term.

It seems like you understand your dad has his own issues and wasn't meant to be a parent. That's mature of you to realize. Maybe have another talk with him, when you're both calm, and set some boundaries? Like "I'm not going to let you keep putting me down. If you have criticisms, say them respectfully or I'm leaving the room."

Try to spend less time around him if you can too - you don't deserve that stress. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. And don't forget - his criticism says more about him, not about you! You seem like an awesome person.

Stay true to yourself. This won't last forever - soon you can make your own family with people who treat you right. Don't let him get in your head, okay? You've got this!

[Avicenna]

Sounds like you’re already doing it