How do you deal with a parent that has suddenly become two-faced and immature?

[petitedollbabee]

Sorry for the long question, but I’m desperate for advice. I’ve had a great relationship with my mum for years, she’s always been reliable and someone that I can open up to about anything.

But ever since I told her that I was pregnant months ago, she’s turned really nasty and self centred. She oversteps any boundaries that I try to set, and refuses to acknowledge her behaviour.

I briefly spoke to her last week and said “can we please sit down at some point and have a coffee and discuss what is going on between us, I don’t want to keep butting heads with you over a lack of understanding”. And she said ok. Since then, she has avoided me, barely spoken to me. She attended a family dinner with my sister last night, and my sister called me after the dinner was over.

Apparently my mum did nothing the whole dinner except for complain about me and paint me out to be a horrible daughter. She said that I’ve been rude to her, calling her names, telling her that she’s not welcome around me anymore, etc. Which none of that is even slightly true. She has also started bad mouthing my partner behind my back, yet she’s super nice to his face.

I have a baby shower coming up in January, and all of my family is invited. At the family dinner last night, my mum was saying “I’ll be surprised if I’m even allowed to attend the baby shower now. She’ll probably have bodyguards outside to stop me from coming in!”. I don’t know where any of this is coming from.

She is turning most of my family against me and it’s out of the blue. I really don’t understand what is going on, my mother has never been toxic like this towards me in the past. Could this be jealousy over me having a baby? Or is there something else going on that I’m not seeing?

It feels like petty highschool drama, not the sort of behaviour that I would expect from a parent.

If you’ve read all of that, thank you 🫶🏻

[etsylo]

aww first, congrats on your baby!! how far along are you? 🥺

and second, i don't exactly know how to deal with this since im not pregnant nor have been, but your mom suddenly switching personalities is really weird and she might need therapy to regulate herself because she's treating you and your partner unfairly. not only that, but she's trying to turn the family against you which is ALSO weird considering you guys were extremely close.

you should tell them your side of the story, how it began too. because even if they don't believe you, at least they'll know what happened in your perspective and hopefully this makes them come to realize that it wasn't even you. i know you all are family, but family can be shit sometimes and you shouldn't have to stress over this. you have a baby and this isn't okay for your mom to do this.

i hope you have someone on your side, even if it's one person because that's what counts. does she spew mean things to you with others around? or just in private?

[petitedollbabee]

Thank you! I’m 20 weeks, halfway there ☺️

Well she’s not saying anything to my face. She’s acting nice and innocent around me and then acting the complete opposite way behind my back. I only know about her behaviour behind my back thanks to trustworthy family members (like my sister) who inform me of it.

The only bad thing that my mum has said to my face, is she was bad mouthing my partner to me. And I shut that behaviour down immediately as it was nonsense and not a real, genuine concern regarding my partner.

[etsylo]

i hope you and your baby will have a safe journey from now, birth and always 🥺

but honestly that's so weird of her to do that. it's interesting that it was a sudden switch, and it's behind your back for the most part. maybe she has something psychological going on, but it's kind of tricky.

maybe have your trusted family members as a medium between you guys in secret. as in, i suppose they talk with her and ask her questions of why she is talking bad about you but without making it obvious y'know? maybe this will give some insight on her behavior and why she's changed : (

[HateyouxD]

She will come around when the baby is here. This happened to me too

[petitedollbabee]

But for now, how am I supposed to tolerate such petty behaviour? I’ve got pregnancy brain and it’s stressful.. I’m thinking, why would I want someone like her around my baby if she’s going to be so horrible towards me and my partner? Is she even a safe person to me anymore?

How did you deal with that?

[HateyouxD]

I felt and thought the exact same. Well... I fought her my whole pregnancy. I demanded respect and she told me the whole family hated me which I didn't give one fuck. At least I was being respected. Lol but if I could go back it would be to just ignore her. My moms a narcissist so when I asked for help she would say no... then when the baby arrived she asked to help me on the same thing I asked her help before. I'm greatful for my God mom (my moms best friend) she was a medium for us and a safe heaven for me. I suggest getting you a close family member who will have your back because there's no getting to your mom. Honestly she might have narcissistic tendencies as well. She's acting this way because the baby Is going to take all of you and your time and there will be none left for her. My baby is 6 months now and we still argue but not as bad as when I was pregnant. I avoided my mother when my son was a couple of weeks old because I was tired of her but then my aunt attacked me about it and my partner wanted my mom in my life... now he doesn't even speak to her. So it's all up to you I just wanted to share my story so you can see all points of view

[petitedollbabee]

Thank you very much for your response. It definitely helps to hear how you went through such a similar situation.

[HateyouxD]

Of course. Good luck and congrats on baby

[rosemilk]

i know it may hurt and you guys were close previously, but you need to get out of there asap. she has shown her true colors and it's not healthy to be around someone so toxic like that that just switches at the drop of a hat

[Sour-rose]

Well it hasn't been suddenely for my mom. :1 However, she being so immature, I just had to deal with it until i moved out. Even now when we talk, she is two faced and wants to be an idiot. And once, while trying to get her to her location, she wanted to have a tantrum when i told her she has to sit in the back because (personal reason from past) and said she "feels like a retard." Sooo she wanna act like a retard, well I'll treat her like one.

therefore, after I moved out, i keep a thin line of contact. Family pushes me to call her buuuut... so in your case, she'll come around... or she won't and you'll likely make it without her.

(this is terrible advice I'm sure but in my experience, I'm so much happier.)

[AutumnSerenity]

Well, it sounds like your mother is dealing with two types of emotions right now: jealousy and betrayal. Her daughter has started a new family and she feels abandoned. The way she’s handling it is definitely childish. Would it be possible that someone may be poisoning her ear with false gossip? There’s no telling if or when she’ll come around - she may never fully come around or accept that things have changed. To be honest with you, I’d keep my child away from her until she gets her act together, if she ever does. I wouldn’t want her brainwashing my kid into thinking their parents are monsters simply because grandma is bitter and jealous.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

This is not good for you while being pregnant. If your mom doesn't reason with you, then I would just be keeping a thin line between the two of you. I do believe this could be jealousy with you because of you being pregnant, and this is not fair towards you. You seem like a very nice young lady and always treat people very kind. You could consult an adult that is older and ask them if they could help you out and give some of their advice. I would ask someone that comes from a local Church with a kind heart who will listen to you and see what they can gather for you. My dad is age 82, and we have a horrible father and son relationship he is in a local nursing home and always talking about what local funeral home he wants to go to when he dies, so this is sad, and I wish me and him were closer, and I do and will always love my dad. I love my late mom too, and I always love them the same.

[love_conquers_lust]

I’ve no experience in this specific scenario. I speculate she doesn’t want to be “relegated” to grandmother, she might be approaching menopause, or she doesn’t like your spouse. I just don’t know without you talking to her about it. It sounds like a phase/milestone is being hit.

[petitedollbabee]

She is currently going through menopause so you could be right with that… she’s already a grandmother to my sisters 3 kids, and my mum has never had an issue with my partner until recently.

[love_conquers_lust]

On menopause, you’re talking to a veteran, my Dad is one as well. Patience. For days, patience. And constant reassurance against her own self-sabotage. It will last years.

This is a defining phase for most husbands. This is where their manhood is tested in whether they decide to stick by their wives, through thick and thin.

Red Foreman a smartass:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DKwsRF0Y-0g

There definitely is a learning curve:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kP8MXXW3040

But he was quoted “That’s the price you pay.” on marrying a woman, as they all go through it.

[robhazelnut]

It seems your sister is also a friend, for calling to tell you about what your mother said. I've dealt with petty family member (s) before. Taking what refuges you can and talking to truly friendly people is a great comfort and restoration. I read it all and you're most welcome! My wish and my blessing for you and your child to be well 🫶

[Worst]

I have no advice, but congratulations on your pregnancy

[petitedollbabee]

Thank you 🤍

[Worst]

You're welcome

[Danny_dan92]

Cut communication. That’s kinda how things got with my dad

[Anonymous]

I distant myself lol