How do you handle your parent that won’t let you be an adult? Quick vent sesh?

[Anonymous]

I’m 26 and I live with my mom. I have more income than her now and pay bills. Why won’t I move out? She’s disabled and me living with her allows me to help her and I also save on money. A 2 in 1! I want to move out but now isn’t the best time.

Overall we get along but there’s things we don’t agree on that makes it hard to live together at times. For one, when she asks me to do something for her such as getting something from a room that isn’t anything dire at the moment, if I’m doing something already I may tell her one moment. She then will get up and race me in a passive aggressive way and do it all because I didn’t drop what I was doing to get to it.

Some other things she doesn’t like is drinking or smoking/cannabis/edibles under the roof. This is something I do only recreationally, maybe once a month. I’ve never been given the space to be open about my chosen uses of substance so it’s a secret that I even tho and will remain until I have moved out.

The last thing is my sexuality. I wouldn’t say my mom is homophobic, but she has homophobic tendencies and ideologies that bothers me. At times I think of trying to date a woman because my dream girlfriend would be someone like Megan thee Stallion lol. However living with her makes me scared to explore that side of me to confirm that I’m bisexual.

I love my mom very much and would do anything for her but I don’t know how to live in my true self until I move out. In this economy, I don’t know when that will be.

[TsundereMatrix]

My friend was in this situation for many years. Not as her mom’s caregiver but as a full time babysitter for her little sister as her mom is a single mom working full time. My friend had to drop out of school because she had to babysit, I always had to go to her house because she had to babysit. The real problem was her mom loved dating drug addicted men so my friend had to get several jobs to pay the bills and she even had to pay rent to even live there! I don’t know how she handled that but her way out was to find a good paying job elsewhere. Luckily her mom got married and he became the main provider but yeah, it’s a difficult situation for sure. I saw that friend recently and she said her mom is back to her old ways and all her sisters moved out because they don’t want to deal with their mom anymore.

[Asker]

Wow that’s a lot. Sadly people look down and overlook children who’s become bound to their families because they need them. You do have to eventually move out for your own sake but there’s instances where it’s not realistic

[Daniela1982]

You can only be used if you allow it. If you can't afford to move out. . . Well, you are just going to have to grin and bear it. If something is beyond your control, then there is nothing you can do. If there is something you can do about it, then do it. Complaining about something is never going to solve a problem like you have.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t easily call it complaining but okay.

[Daniela1982]

What do you call it then?

[Asker]

Venting. Venting is a little different because it can be positive or negative while complaining has a primarily negative connotation. I am open to bear and grin because that’s the clear reality of my situation that I also stated. I enjoy my mom’s time, but at the same time there are things I have to compromise. Gotta have balance

[Daniela1982]

Fair enough. But to me the balance seems like someone has their thumb on the scale. 🤔

[Asker]

I definitely agreed, im sure she feels the same way at times

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Complex situation.

What you describe does say you get benefits from the situation, in the form of money and in the form of psychological reward, as you help her.

And then there is this natural wish for independence and the psychological price to pay for caring for someone, because it's a price and a reward at the same time, so it can be conflicting.

From the elements you give to read, I don't hear a parent not letting you fly away, I hear a daughter experiencing an inner conflict. I don't think it is urgent to solve it now though, I'm just pointing out at this conflict I see

[Asker]

While I agree, some of it is a parent thing though.
How I mentioned the passive aggressive reaction I get in return to not doing what she asks of me at that second is parent entitlement. If it is not urgent, it should not be a problem to wait on me 1-5 min to do something. Her not allowing drinking and smoking under the roof because of her child trauma despite me being an adult now, making more money and paying as much on bills is me choosing to respect her wishes as my parent and avoid conflict.

[Asker]

To be fair though, my mom and I speak on my plans for moving out all the time. So she supports me. The main issue is what I have to compromise until that day comes

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

She supports you for moving out, so it seems to support my idea that you don't have to handle a parent much. That what you seem to have are conflicting wishes

[AviatorTom]

Remember one of the most important rules in life...

You cannot change others, you can only change yourself.

Learn to live with the things she does that bothers you. Stop taking them personally, as some kind of weakness, they're not.

[Asker]

Weakness? That’s odd to say. I accept my mom, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have an issue with it. I’m almost 30 and though I live with her, there’s a certain amount of respect parent should also give their children while they’re around

[Ohhmandy]

I was in a situation similar to yours... but my mom was a weed connoisseur!!! They are not around forever.

[Asker]

Yeah we still have MANY great times together. These are just things I realized I have to compromise until I am out

[Nikki1989]

Sounds like you are trapped for the time-being.

[Asker]

Exactly how I feel

[jshm2]

Get your shit together and grow up. You are living under her roof, as her live in carer - you are not 16 . She is your priority until you either become her tenant. Or get your junkie, mooching ass out of there to let her get a proper live in carer.

[spartan55]

"junkie mooching ass" 😂 😂 😂 😂

[ClassicDropout]

Living with your parents is not being a live-in carer lmao. If she's paying the bills she's not mooching retard.

[Asker]

Did you see the part where I said I make MORE money than her, meaning I pay just as much as her

[Asker]

@ClassicDropout exactly, I clearly stated I make more money and I’m paying bills as well as taking care of her

[Asker]

And also I’m not being paid as her care taker, I do it because I LOVE HER. I have a work from home job

[ihateTaylorSwift]

Show them how much
You can take care of yourself
Earn their trust
Dont beg for it
Otherwise they won't listen
And feel you're not ready

[Asker]

Trust me I have lol

[Anonymous]

Similar, mommy also thinks I shouldn't have a child without being married first.

[Jamie05rhs]

You're both immature people.

[Asker]

Elaborate since you are more mature

[kaucky1]

Just leave