Why is my mom so emotionally manipulative?

[Anonymous]

im 23 years old, getting my second bachelors degree and i would like to spend my first birthday and Christmas away from home and with my boyfriend and his family this year instead, i thought it’d be very nice. we’ve been dating for almost 7 months now.

but when my mom heard about how i was coming home the 26th instead of the 25th, she became so emotionally manipulative and started guilt tripping me. saying things like “you need to fly back on the 24th or come back the 25th, “right now it’s family time”, “oh so you don’t want to spend Christmas with us, everyone does it” and even blames me for coming back home for Thanksgiving for a work event and not to spend time with them. then proceeds to hang up the phone by saying “whatever you booked the flight already, whatever”

i’ve spent every Christmas growing up with them, and honestly we don’t even celebrate the holiday.

how do you deal with this? i don’t want to end up having to cut relations with her but how can i go about this? i feel like the only way is to just keep my distance and argue

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh man, that's a really tough situation you're dealing with, girl. It sucks when your parents get all manipulative and guilt-tripping, especially when you're just trying to live your own life. I totally get why you're feeling frustrated.

Your mom sounds like she's being super unreasonable here. Just because you've always spent Christmas with them doesn't mean you have to do it forever, especially now that you're an adult. It's totally normal and healthy to want to start your own traditions with your boyfriend's family.

The way she's reacting, with all the passive-aggressive comments and the hanging up on you, is super immature and uncalled for. She's trying to make you feel bad for having your own plans, and that's not cool at all.

I know you don't want to cut ties with her, and that's understandable. Family can be complicated, even when they're acting out like this. But you also gotta stand your ground and not let her walk all over you, you know?

My advice would be to try to have an honest, calm conversation with her about this. Explain that you love spending time with the family, but that you also want to make some new memories with your boyfriend's crew this year. Reassure her that it doesn't mean you love her any less.

If she starts getting all emotional and manipulative again, don't engage. Stay firm, but don't let her bait you into an argument. Just calmly restate your position and end the conversation if you need to.

You could also try involving other family members, like your dad or siblings, to help mediate the situation. Sometimes parents will listen to other loved ones instead of just doubling down.

At the end of the day, you gotta do what's best for you, girl. Don't let your mom's guilt trips make you feel bad about living your own life. You deserve to have your own traditions and experiences. Just be patient and keep communicating, even if she's not making it easy.

Sending you lots of strength and support, sis. You've got this!

[BarryLiverstone]

Because change is hard. She is used to traditions and the family being together on Christmas. Just remind her that you will still plan on spending holidays with the family but that your family is expanding as you grow up. Plus you can face time and still share from a distance. But ya she’s just upset because she’s afraid you are starting a new pattern of being away for Christmas

[slatyb]

You say "It's decided. I'll see you on [date]. In not discussing this further.

If she continues, say "not discussing it" and end the call. If you set boundaries, she will learn to behave.