When is the right time to tell an adoptive child they were the product of a rape?

[AmyGxoxo]

My best friend and her husband's adoptive daughter is 12 years old. She first suspected being adopted due to the obvious physical contrast so she was told the truth early on but not totally.

The missing part she wasn't told is her biological mother gave her up for adoption after giving birth. She was the product of a rape. She made an agree with the adoption agency to never ever be contacted. She doesn't want to be reached in any way at all. Meanwhile the dude served his prison time.

It's said the girl is the female version of the rapist in appearances. Now my best friend is concerned about the girl wonder about her background. She still wants to know who her bio mother and father were, if they are cool people, etc. When should she be told the truth about her birth? Or should she ever be told her bio mother never wants to see her because she was the product of rape? If you were the girl, would you want to know that?

[Summeroflove]

I think that’s best for the parents to decide. It’s sad she will probably never see her mother or her father but it might be for the best. I don’t understand how the rapist could have already served his prison sentence that pisses me off rapists should NEVER be let out of prison but that’s another rant altogether.

I think the parents need to decide when she’s old enough to understand.

[AmyGxoxo]

They only told her that her parents were likely on a very tight financial situation, couldn't support her and so wanted a better future for her... that she'll understand better when she's older and quickly changed the topic.
Base on what my friend told me, the rapist was suppose to serve a 15 year-old sentence (he only served 8 years out of it) but was released earlier for good behavior, expressing remorse, registered as a sex offender, continue with treatment and the fact that he turned himself in too, confessing it. That still doesn't take away the terrible crime he committed. He's still a disgusting person that should've been locked up for good. It really sucks that he's out there somewhere and I feel sorry for whoever can be the next victim. I think rapists are sick people that'll continue doing it.
The poor innocent party is the girl. I'm guessing when she gets older, she'll likely still want to find out where her parents live.

[Summeroflove]

No and most sex offenders are just full of shit. Most do reoffend at some point which is scary to think about.

The justice system is a failure. I’m not defending junkies but people get longer sentences for drugs then sex crimes. It makes my blood boil that hee back out there.

You would be surprised how well these people can act just to get sympathy. But turn around and commit the same if not worse crimes.

Not to mention many times it’s not their first time. There could be other victims out there nobody knows about.

[msc545]

All the effort to protect the mother trashes the child.

[AmyGxoxo]

it's like there is no winning position. My friend and her husband only told her that her bio parents likely had financial crisis and so wanted a better future for her. I guess there is no other nicer way to tell her why her bio parents aren't in her life. If she's told the truth now, it'll likely devastate her.

[Flower7]

She shouldn’t be told anything about the circumstances of her birth. No good would come from that.

[AmyGxoxo]

yeah it would devastated the child for sure, crush her world.

[Flower7]

Yes and it could affect her self-esteem to know that her father is a criminal and she has his genes. Best not to know.

[Apple1996]

18+ if they asked or never. I don't think a child is mature enough to process that information.

[goaded]

That would be never. And I know one.

[AmyGxoxo]

I imagine that would be a hard pill to swallow. The poor girl's world would be shattered if she knew why her bio mother never wants to see her. My friend and her husband has been telling her that her bio parents likely had financial situation and how they wanted a better future for her. I think some things are worth lying about. That's a lie but the truth would likely hurt her a lot.

[goaded]

Saying they'd died would have been a better lie in that circumstance, I think. Too late now.

[strateguy632]

Age 12 is too young.

[AmyGxoxo]

yeah they both agreed now it's not a good time. I suppose when she's 18 and continues asking, then they would have to tell her by then.

[slatyb]

Ask a professional.

[msc545]

I am a mental health professional. Before worrying about telling an adopted child about their mother being raped, you really want to worry about adoption trauma since it affects every adopted person, and not in a good way.

[msc545]

bpar.org/.../

[slatyb]

@msc545 Great, they should talk to someone like you.

[msc545]

Not that simple.