How to raise a boy to become an independent Man and not a Mama's Boy?

[beenherebefore]

I have a younger brother whom I'm very close to. He's only two and a half years younger than me. We were raised by the same parents and live in the same house until I moved out but we couldn't be more different. I'm independent, career driven, moved out at 25 and have my sh*t together. My mom always babied my brother way too much, he was always a great student and my Mom always pushed him to pursue engineering, Lord knows why she always wanted my brother to be an Engineer regardless of what type of engineering he pursued. He has a degree in computer engineering but it took him more than two years after graduating to find a job, somehow he managed to BS my parents that he was looking for a job while he was not. He moved out of my parents house for a few years and then one day out of the blue decides to quit his stable job, moves back to my parents house and has been there for nearly four years, jobless, never had a girlfriend and still behaves very childish.

This has put me off so much but I no longer intervene as it's my parents job to pressure him to get a job and move out. It made me think that if I ever have a son I really don't want him to be like my brother, I believe that the fact my mom treated him like a princess had some effect on his behavior. I've also noticed that when a boy is the youngest sibling Moms always tend to have a soft spot for them and they become little sh*ts. How do I prevent this from happening to my son, if I ever have one? How can I maintain a good balance between being nurturing and firm and assertive at the same time? I don't want my kids to fear me but I want them to know they should never be too comfortable.

[Effably]

People have some wild takes.

When you build a winner, not specifically men, you set them up to succeed enough that they grow confident and mildly domineering. You then when they fail, because everyone does, redirect the negative feelings into positive. Improve. Learn. Grow. So on. Picture a fighter winning their 10 first. Losing one and then going on a training montage.

My highly anecdotal experience of mama's boys is that they never got to succeed and fail on their own. They were never allowed their own fight, especially not to deal with a negative outcome. As a mother you are there when he needs you, not when there is any need. As tempting as it is you do not fight his battles but rather make sure he has the support he needs to do so and the support he needs to recover if it goes badly.

I could have just said to be there but let the guy fail and push him to try. But I figured a longer version doesn't hurt.

Lastly I don't think your brother sounds like a mama's boy. He probably has other mental battles and no reason to try. But you would know that better than I do.

[beenherebefore]

I agree that there might also be some mental battles in the mix, but he won't open about it. Thank you very much for taking the time to write your answer.

[Effably]

Of course. You're welcome. Not my place but your brother could probably benefit from a little encouragement and confidence boost. It is men's mental health awareness month after all, you have an excuse to check in and tell him to keep his chin up. He clearly was capable of it. Should still be.

[alli-112]

I mean, I think for one it's a similar topic regardless of gender, and I also feel like you've pretty much implied the answer. If you want raise well-rounded, independent children, you have to create an environment that encourages them to be independent, ya know? Teach them life skills from a young age, hold them accountable for their actions, especially as they get older and provide rewards when they act well. Obviously you have to scale your expectations to their age, and it's important to make yourself a safe space emotionally.

My recommendations would be regular chores from a young age, even if it's just having a little kid come be in the kitchen while you're cooking or cleaning to make sure they're aware of the work that goes on. I think allowance, preferably attached to the chores is also important, preferably with some sort of system designed to help them learn to save, but also to develop a relationship with money in general. Encourage them to buy things that interest them with some of their money and to save another portion for later. You're kids definitely shouldn't be paying you rent or anything before they turn 18, but after, especially if they're around for several years, asking them to contribute something to the rent or bills would be reasonable.

I think as long as you have clear, reasonable expectations that you uphold in your household, then you're unlikely to have too much trouble (beyond the normal parenting chaos, of course). I think it's also important to be emotionally supportive and flexible in helping your child pursue whatever sort of future they're interested.

[beenherebefore]

Thank you very much for your input.

[Paige90]

First, make sure he is Republican as Democrat males don't have a dick!

[Shiprex]

Make sure there is a man in his life who will set good examples to him as he grows.

[beenherebefore]

My dad was present in our lives tho, but it's possible he didn't set good examples.

[Shiprex]

Though I am sure you've turned out to be rather good so something good must have stuck

[MasterKS]

Understand mens freedom, his nature, his sexuality, his emotions. Mama's boys exist because mama treat them as a female not male. if you want man understand him.

[beenherebefore]

I don't think he was treated like a girl cuz as a girl I feel that the way she treated us was always very different. I feel like he treated him either and a handicap or as a baby.

[MasterKS]

@beenherebefore you didn't understand emotional side of man, that was mistaken by most parents, treating different gender in different ways.

[MasterKS]

@beenherebefore also as you mention your mom treat him like babies itself shows she made her fragile, weak and somehow dependent.

[beefcakebradybatson]

I don't know. Perhaps he'll meet a woman and want to show her he is a man instead of a boy anduse his obviously high intelligence to resume his career or begin another. Short of that, I don't know what to say as a lifelong bachelor.

[jahaims]

Marry a good man