Why does it seem like it is so hard to connect and make friends?

[Anonymous]

Ever since my friends moved away in 2019, I have not made any friends. Maybe except 1, who I don't talk to anyone. He wasn't a good friend and it taught me a lesson that I should never be close friends with anyone who is "in love" with me.

I go on craigslist, looking for activity partner postings. I message a few people. One lonely guy rejected me because I was too tall. Another who was looking for friends, stopped talking to me because I didn't know how to cook my own culture's foods. Another one just ghosted me for no apparent reason- our conversation was going so well and he asked for my email/phone so we can continue talking. Then boom! he just stopped replying. I had no idea what happened.

I met a very nice cuddle buddy on okcupid, we both started off great. he put in effort into conversations in the beginning. Then now after a couple of cuddle sessions, he barely puts in effort into texts anymore. For every 9 words that I write, he only writes 1 word.

I go to work, nobody there is interested in grabbing coffee outside of work. I go to school, we just talk about school there. Our conversations never stretch beyond school work.

I try to go to social events, we just meet up once then never see each other again.

I barely have time to go out on weekends due to my busy schedule both working and attending school.

Its heartbreaking that no matter how hard I try, nobody wants to connect with me. I just feel like giving up. Maybe nobody will ever like me? Maybe I should just stop trying to make friends with emotionally unavailable people and just give up

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"a lesson that I should never be close friends with anyone who is "in love" with me"

A necessary one, I relate.

"I met a very nice cuddle buddy"

Feels good to read that, it's one rare adjective that hits right to me, I don't usually read this one in such context👌🏼

"Maybe I should just stop trying to make friends with emotionally unavailable people"

777% agree!

I mean I don't know what your expectations are in friendship, with people. To me, it feels like I never really had expectations, I made friends, it kinda just "happened" because I saw them, we had common interests and we talked over and over at the same places. So it was easy, fluid. Maybe you can do that too, meaning that instead of pursuing friendship, pursue your interests, because these interests are necessarily interests you share with some people. It's a common way for people to develop connections, going in any direction, friendship or love.

Good luck to you 🍀

[7Phoenix7]

You had a friend who was in love with you?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Hmm nope, my case was adjacent, it was about negotiating the post-breakup, this very slippery offer for friendship that may occur after a separation :)

[7Phoenix7]

Ah ok...

So you think it's best to avoid staying friends afterwards?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I would never say that by default, each case is different, it depends on how I experience this specific breakup, how I feel her experiencing it as well. What she feels for me after the facts, what I feel for her, if any of us are lying to ourselves, or not etc.

No instruction manual I can see, it's improvised and it isn't easy lol

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

When it is me initiating the breakup, I'll scrutinize her a lot if she wants friendship, and if it is her initiating then she should scrutinize me a lot. Because any of us should be suspected of lying to ourselves, depending on our mental postures and sentiments left for each other. As somewhat loose guidelines, I wouldn't trust friendship if there isn't enough time spent on our own, out of each other's sight after the breakup. Could be weeks, even months. After that period of time, I assume any of us to be less affected and more true to ourselves

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

In turn, it would make a wish for friendship much more reasonable for me to look at. If both of us want it

[7Phoenix7]

Yes, I agree you.

[Levin]

We're never lonely unless we abandon ourselves, girl.

Maybe there's an element of that? A craving or yearning. And tbh, it is totally understandable. Humans are social beings who need connection.

Plus since convid, relationships seem different anyway. It's hard to find meaningful connection.

Do you love yourself and do you do things out of desperation? How much trust do you put out there that things can get better, through faith? Through spiritual practice or God. Might be stuff to ponder.

[DishLady]

BC it is. Anyone who tells you they have a million friends is lying. Your friend is the one who comes when everyone else runs away.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

It can be pretty hard in adulthood when it comes to making friends. Only thing I can say is Craigslist is probably not the best site to meet people. I would say to just keep trying though when you get more time. I go to a meet-up that's local once a month just to order dinner and try to socialize with other people my age if I see them there. I've never hung out with anyone outside of the meet-ups, but I do get along with them and stuff since they frequent there.

[Asker]

Problem with meetups is that its never the same people who commit to meeting up every week, which hinders development of friendship. Friendship takes a long time to build

[Screenwriter]

Yes. Do not try to make friends with emotionally unavailable people. That is the bottom line.

Try Meetups. There are many groups on meetups: sailing, volleyball, softball, conversation groups, book clubs. You can expand your mind and enjoy meeting new people. Online isn't the best place.

Once you make a few friends, they'll intro you to others. It'll take a little time, but I've had lots of fun in meetups.

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for a friend or are you looking for a meaningful relationship that could lead to marriage. You mentioned a guy found you to be too tall. Some guys may automatically assume they aren’t in your league because you’ll reject them based on your height. Example: you’re 5ft10, guy is 5ft6. I know Reddit has subreddits in communities of hang outs where it is strictly to meet up at a park or play sports and etc, nothing weird or sexual, but I’m not a moderator for those Reddit forums nor can I attest to those people’s true intentions.

[BeechImFabulous]

Friendships are like any relationship: they are partially built on people needing each other. We're atomized by the faceless system that provides our basic needs such that we don't really reach out because of necessity. Friends are an "extra".

Also, too many people are selfish and not mature enough to shoulder the burden that comes with friendship.

[Shiprex]

A lot of young people are no longer socialising with others and instead seek online gratification instead or irl interactions.

It's bleak and not your fault.

How to fix it? That's a huge challenge.

[Staximus]

You're working and going to school. When you stop doing one of those things you will have time for friends and boyfriends and all that good stuff

[Anonymous]

Friends take effort. It can take a while for new people to fully understand each other enough to let guards down.

[Nikki1989]

Circumstances, bad luck, personality flaws, a weak or lack of a social circle, et cetera.

[HusamRocks]

You haven't meet the right ones yet so keep going forward 👍🏻

[SotiCoto]

Cloudflare.
It is the whole thing where you have to verify you're a human every time. Very annoying.

[nl171]

You can dm me and we can chat and possibly be friends

[Likes2drive]

It’s harder when you get older, but sometimes you can make friends even at work

[robocop666]

you need to bond with people and go to outings

[fonduegirl]

Wanna be friends?

[Asker]

yes. where are you located? I am in NYC

[fonduegirl]

India.

[fonduegirl]

We can talk online?

[Asker]

i was hoping for in real life friends

[fonduegirl]

Yeah. It kills me too

[fonduegirl]

I don't have friends either

[Anonymous]

Are those cuddle sessions sexual?

[msc545]

Nobody really trusts anyone.

[Texasgal95]

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