I have issues with my mom?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of issue with my mother, she has hyper thyroid> now hypo thyroid.
I know it is something related to hormones.
But all she does is insult me for being myself in front of everyone I go to. I am below average student, always have been, study is something I can't do.
And most of the time I secure 50-60%. In all the major exams (in india it's equal to a failed student) she use to insult me in from her family, bad mouthing, and telling lies.
Because of her I ate rat kill 2 times! To off myself. Cause everyday the same if I am home, he doesn't go out, if I am out, never listens to her.
I did everything for her, cleaned house, washed clothes when I was 14 (which is considered good) in that everytime she showed that how bad I am.

Finally in my diploma and engineering days it all changed, i started getting good grades.
I got a offer from Barclays for testing role (good salary). Still she behaved the same, cursing at me that why I didn't die , why I don't deserve anything.
My dad everytime saves me from her. Her bad mouthing has now made a permanent dent with my trust levels with all females. It's like they might be speaking behind my back. I know that is not true for all.
Now I have planned to persue cybersecurity in Uk. Which she supports but now flaunts all my achievements as her own. I just want to get out of my issue completely cause now I want to feel loved, taken cared of, I want to be wanted in life by someone else.
And every girl who I talk to, feels like she will do the same. Feels like I am tool to there amusement.
Sometimes I feel like I should never have been borned. Or I should have died when I ate rat kill. I paid off my dad's money, and with him as well the relation is like a business meeting, nothing like father- son relationship.

[Zylos]

That is somewhat relatable, bro, although your experience sounds much much worse. The way she treated you is terrible.

I suggest you get therapy if you can, and make sure to focus on how you kind of have PTSD from your mother's abuse, which is triggered around other women.

And please don't kill yourself. You are a valuable person who was abused. It is not your fault at all.

[Zylos]

Please stay alive.

[Asker]

See there was no physical violence.
The emotional burden and never feeling that I am enough is a greater curse.

Mathew perry once said"WHEN I CAN GET SOMEONE, I HAVE TO LEAVE THEM BEFORE THEY LEAVE ME, BECAUSE I'M NOT ENOUGH AND I'M ABOUT TO BE FOUND OUT, BUT WHEN SOMEONE I WANT DOESN'T CHOOSE ME, THAT JUST PROVES I'M NOT ENOUGH AND I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT."
I never got someone to begin with which internalize my fear of not being good for anyone, there will always be someone who is better than me and lesser than me, I can see everyone getting someone.
Where as me getting rejected or out right ignored.

[Asker]

I never learnt the art of acceptance and moving on.
In place of that I got so fearful for everything around me.
Expecting that I am not a worthy person.

[Zylos]

I relate a lot to what you are saying. I recently saw a post on social media that I found helpful. It was a guy who said he had helped many incels (men who can't get laid) to become better people and get laid, by basically teaching them to be kind to themselves and others.

This resonated with me, because as far back as I can remember, I have been insecure and not liked myself and been very self-critical.

So my suggestion to you would be maybe to think of this as a skill that you missed out on due to trauma, but that is really useful in life.

Basically, try to ask yourself "How can I be kind to myself today?"

So instead of coming from a perspective of always being disappointed with yourself and ashamed and embarrassed or guilty, you are trying to practise being kind to yourself.

I hope that then you may find that you aren't as desperate for the acceptance of women. Instead you may start to feel more okay with yourself.

All the best, buddy

[Asker]

If I ask myself to be kind to myself, I eat. I am skinny but I will get belly fat (really slow to shred) cause there is nothing that I think needs kindness.
I might have started to see myself as a disappointment altogether.
I want to feel loved but on What grounds, I know love is just given without liking any quality, or the state, but for me it has become so transactional.
I am ashamed of the way my brain has associated skills, academics and job security as a quality to be loved for.
And till now I had a job. Now I don't.
I just want to get out of it. And I don't know how. I don't know how to begin, I do show arrogance. Which I don't have control over.

[Asker]

Worst of all, I want to end up crying but when I try to, I end up laughing at my pathetic issues.

[Zylos]

Even in these comments, you are being hard on yourself. Even if you have issues, you don't need to criticise yourself for them. You can treat yourself well.