What would you do if you were a 45 year old woman and your 59 year old husband and 13 year old son kept fighting non-stop 24/7?

[Anonymous]

I'm asking this for a friend of my mom's, that's why the situation described in the title is so oddly specific with the ages and everything.

The son is in middle school and the very second he comes home he and his father begin to fight almost immediately. And over literally everything. Sometimes over nothing.

The son is admittedly pretty bratty (though not THAT much worse than the average kid his age) but the husband also has no maturity at all for a 59 year old. The fights are more or less 50/50 on both the husband's and son's end. They both like to provoke each other, sometimes the husband starts it, sometimes the son starts it.

Like an example. The husband steals a steak or something from the son's plate, they start to fight over it, physical fighting, ending up with both of them rolling on the floor, etc. Then later on the son sneaks up on the husband, pulls his pants down and farts on him, and they also start fighting.

And the fighting is every single day non-stop 24/7. It almost seems like they're gonna kill each other.

Meanwhile the woman starting working 3 jobs total because she couldn't stand to be home anymore with her husband and son constantly fighting. She much prefers to be at work than at home. She only comes home to sleep and that's it. She used to cook and clean but stopped and the husband and son have to do it themselves.

According to the woman her husband and son had a pretty alright relationship till the son turned 10. Then he turned bratty and stop listening to anyone and kept doing things he wasn't supposed to. And the husband had no maturity with this and began fighting with the son as if they were both the same age. And it only gradually got worse since age 10.

At this point she doesn't even go home for sleep. She sleeps at friend's houses. The house is filthy since the husband and son never clean.

So yeah. A really bad situation.

Not sure what I'd do if it were me. No clue.

Updates

9 mo

Similar to my reply to FateofOphelia, but what the hell... didn't 2 people leave a response before her, 1 man, 1 woman, and there should be 3 responses total instead of only hers? Like I even replied back to those 2 people and everything. Am I going crazy? Was that just a dream? Did they delete their responses at the same time? Did they block me at the same time? Just curious what could be going on here. It makes no sense. Either I'm going crazy or something happened. Anyway, thanks for reading.

[Melanie01]

From a psychological perspective, this is actually a conflict of power and identity.
The father wants to be respected, and the son wants to be understood. They see in each other their "younger selves" and "future selves."
If I were a mother, I would help them reconnect beyond the emotional realm, perhaps by exercising together or repairing something.
Because completing tasks together is more effective in restoring relationships than reasoning.

[Asker]

Oh wow. This is low-key genius. Didn't expect anyone to bring a psychological perspective into this. The way you described it makes a lot of sense too, it's not overly complicated.

I should definitely (and will) introduce this concept to the mom. When all else has failed and things can't get any worse this seems like an intelligent and perfectly logical approach.

[Melanie01]

LOL, thank you for your approval~
I just want to approach these family conflicts from a more gentle perspective.
After all, arguing about who's right or wrong is pointless; reconnecting is the key.

[FateofOphelia]

Crazy, I'd leave with my son or they have to change

[Asker]

Before I reply properly to you (you probably don't know anything about this but just in case you do, YOU CAN SKIP THIS LONG FIRST PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT) what the fuuuuuck... your response is the ONE and ONLY response to my question? I could've sworn that 2 people left a response here before you, one man, one woman. There should be 3 responses total including yours. And I even replied back to both of them and had a nice conversation. Am I going crazy? Was that a dream? Did they both end up deleting their responses at the same time or something (I didn't even know deleting your own responses on other posts was possible)? Did they both block me at the same time? I'll even add this to my question update to see if anyone knows anything.

Either way I'll give you MHO to thank you for your time.

Anyway, um... ignore that if you know nothing, haha.

But yes, good call! A 13 year old son still has potential to change even if he's an enormous asshole due to him being so young and his mind so malleable. A 59 year old husband (old enough to be a grandpa and almost elderly only not by a few years by the way) is more set in his ways and will not change unless he REALLY wants to and makes an effort. So it makes sense to leave with your son instead of your husband.

[NoDecision]

I would tell them to either make up or GTFO.

[Asker]

Yeah, makes snese. Sometimes the most simple response is the most effective.

[chenyu]

I have no experience in this, I really don’t know what to do!

[Asker]

I don't blame you. This is really quite an odd and oddly specific situation. I myself don't know either.

I'd want to distance myself the fuck away from both the son and husband though. Lol.

[Jennifer40]

I think the family can sit down and communicate. This is normal. Children are in a rebellious period when they are 10 years old. We must talk to them.

[Asker]

Yeah, a simple but effective solution. Almost all children (including myself when I was one) have a rebellious phase at some point and it's something all parents must be prepared for.

If you expect children to stay sweet and innocent forever then you're gonna have a bad time.

Sitting down and communicating is the best thing to do.

[Jennifer40]

You can find a time to have a good talk with your children and husband. There is nothing that cannot be solved. Most of the time, children's rebellious period is because they have met some bad people in the outside world or believed what others said.