How can we get my autistic sister to understand about gratitude and doing things in return?

[Anonymous]

Let’s face it, we’ve all done SO MANY nice things and given her things and all but not all the time. She should be grateful. She says thank you. She’s autistic so she doesn’t always see the point fast enough. She gets bitter and upset when we asked her what did she buy us because let’s face it, we have done so much for her. The least she can do is do something nice for us for once. She never did. She always goes to the store and buys a lot a snack. A lot of snacks that is the size for a family. Dad was like, “What did you buy us?” He was kidding. I know she isn’t obligated to buy us anything but it would be nice if she did something for us. Our cousin got her a small fish aquarium as a surprise. She thought I was for everyone. He did a lot of nice things for her but she never did anything nice for him. I told her, “You know he’s done a lot for you so you should do something nice for him.” She looked down and said, “Yeah…sure.” He told her not to forget him when she went out to the dollar store. She ended up buying him something for once. Finally! Our aunt said, “You shouldn’t bite the hands that feed you. You need to start thinking about others instead of yourself.”

I won’t lie, she’s a spoiled brat. It’s true. She gets bitter when someone says she should buy others something or do something for them. I can some relatives said she’s too spoiled and always gets what she wants. She doesn’t even pay bills at the Josie. Dad should really start making her pitch in and help. She’s 19! She doesn’t even help around the house. She does nothing nice for dad either. Dads girlfriend did a lot of things and helped her a lot. My sister told me she’s taking her out for a day of shopping. She thought it was all about HER. I told my sister she should buy her something since she’s always doing nice things for her. She looked at me like I was crazy
How can we help her be less selfish?

[Effably]

Forcing someone, especially autism and alike, to conform and be nice sounds like a recipe for disaster. Most likely you will just mess her up and give her a new type of anxiety.

It is very likely better to just ask if she likes it when people bring home little surprises or gifts for her and start there. If she does, you just say that other people often like that too and that she can surprise someone sometime. Clear, concise, open. Feel free to offer to help. As in, she can ask you for ideas if she wants to sometime.

Very important to not force an expectation. That will feel dishonest and typically trigger people with autism who tend to have much stronger sense of morals than most people.

Beyond that it is very hard to say much about it. Autism comes in so many variations that it is only somewhat usefil as a descriptor.

And lastly, while I am assuming you are just worked up about it, you seem to have an extreme focus on gift giving as a means of affection. It is probably worthwhile to remember that to most people this is not the primary way to show care.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You do realize because she’s autistic, she can’t understand subtext? She does things when she’s told because that’s the only time she’s aware she’s socially obligated to. You’re being insanely harsh for someone who literally cannot physically understand the world the same way you do.

[Anonymous]

Autism can't be used as an excuse for everything.

[Asker]

Exactly! That’s what we’re trying to help her. She keeps using autism as an excuse.