How do I compromise with my wife?

[Anonymous]

She, 31f, wants me, m32, to go to bed at the same time as her. She says It makes her feel safe and helps her sleep more soundly even if I am simply just next to her. She also wants me to get up around the same time she does. The problem is before marriage I have a best friend, who has been my best friend since we were 13 year old, and we had a routine where we would socialize until 2am or 3am most of the time on a game, but sometimes we would be doing other things like watching a movie. My wife wants me to stop and just cut that out of my life and go to bed on time with her. I also have other friends that are a part of the group that hang with me and my best friend and a lot of them live in California, my best friend and I live in Pennsylvania. This means our friends are just getting home and having dinner at 9pm our time and aren't usually on the game or call with us until 10-10:30pm. Going to bed when my wife does means I lose my entire friend group and limit my interaction with my best friend to mostly texting on and off. I can't see myself being happy if it means isolating myself and not having any friends to chill with, especially when my wife is at work. My wife tells me to "just make new friends," but she doesn't understand that isn't easy at 32 years old. Is there a compromise? Is the marriage doomed?

[itsannalee]

I don't know who people married to someone who aren’t in their league and try to change them after they get together.



Always being stay up for unnecessary things are just stupid, but trying to change you is also stupid. People won’t change, unless they want it.


Me and my husband are different people..
He is night owl, and i am early bird. I used to wake up at 6am and he is at 11am, when i wake up I try to sneaky not to bother him. Then silently doing my things, leave home to walking around or exercising, get some breakfast outside, go back home around his wakeup time and bring him breakfast. At night when he still with his PlayStation, he tries to make me comfortable first, no noises. etc


Just respect to each other and teach them your routines, ask them to join or teach them, that’s how you should deal with someone who is different than you. Otherwise just get someone else.

[HollyK21]

Depends on how many nights a week that you do this. I don’t think you should be up on the game with your friends every night if it isn’t your job (like you’re a streamer). If it’s like 2-3 nights a week out of 7 I don’t think that’s bad. I actually think it’s a fair compromise because at the same time, she knew about this before she married you and still chose to proceed. It’s not right to marry someone thinking they’d change something you don’t like and then turn it into an issue. You decide before accepting the proposal if whatever’s going on is something you want to marry into. At the same time, relationships often come with change and your friends can’t expect you to carry on as a single guy for their benefit.

[nolabels]

When we were first married, my wife very briefly questioned my random bedtimes.
I told her very firmly that there would be no changing my rotating bedtime habits, that they'd been beyond my control for my entire life.
She knew of the situation before we were married but apparently thought that she was going to change me.
Fat chance.

We've been married, for better or for worse, for close to 32 years.

Good luck to you.

[Mike_Whocheese_Harry]

You compromise and tell her the weeknights are for early bed with her. Friday night is date night with her, and Saturday is for your friend group.

[Tereza07]

You have to find compromise where you go to bed later but together.
On one hand its cute and shows that she loves you. She should be more important than your friends and im sure texting with them and hanging out when they are arround is enough.
On the other hand if she doesn't want to do any compromise like go to bed 1 hour later without a good reason (like having to wake up early), than thats a really bad sign of her character.