Is this worth not speaking to them? What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I feel really alone after cutting my family off.. I’m realizing that you can’t heal from the same environment that broke you and it kept me in a bind for years because they heavily supported me and I was doing well until one day I really needed their support and I realized that I didn’t matter?

I was talking to a man I was head over heels for and he didn’t want me. We stopped dating and I was so depressed for a year and I just didn’t want to live and I told my mom about it and then my cousin… I told my cousin everything and she goes behind my back to talk to him

My cousin lives with my mom and I tell her that I think something is going on and my mom just ignores me or says “so what do you want me to do about it “ or she says “I’m sure there’s things that you’ve done “… so it felt like a knife in my chest fr… because it feels like I’ve been betrayed twice

And to this day I don’t know how to move on from it and everyone is saying let them fall in love etc and move on… I feel gaslit by my family over the situation…

Yes go no contact

No work it out

[MrChinaski]

I just severed contact, permanently, from my mother after 46 years, featuring 13 years of care in childhood, 16 years of ignoring, belittling, attacking or betraying me anytime we discussed anything that mattered to me, and the past 17 years talking about nothing deeper than how the weather was. I gave her another 6 months in good faith... she went straight back to the sustained pattern of abuse.

I feel I did my bit to see if things could work. Cold hard reality is that I can't stay healthy and live the life I want to live with her in it. When the choice is between your health and wellbeing and their desire to feel good by pretending they are good relatives, it's an easy choice.

Well done. You chose well.

[Asker]

I was homeless for a few days now I found a room… how do I deal with the loneliness of it… I’m struggling so hard

[I_am_a_human]

You are not describing your situation clearly. For example, I have no idea what you mean by "I’m sure there’s things that you’ve done" or "everyone is saying let them fall in love etc and move on".

Even if your description was clear, no stranger on internet can tell you whether or not you should cut ties with your family. That is a something you have to figure out on your own. Cuttings ties is not something to take lightly.

One thing I can tell you is... stop obsessing about a guy who doesn't want you (you wrote, "he didn't want you"). You are wasting your time.

[I_am_a_human]

Lost time is never found again
-Benjamin Franklin?

[Noredcarpet]

If they can't realize that it is wrong to go behind your back and talk to your ex about you without your approval to see your perspective then you can give them more time, adjust in the meanwhile.

Not to defend them but I had people bringing up my ex to me as they were concerned about his well being and knew we had once been close. They too could think we could stand each other. It depend really why, the reason for the cousin telling him, I'm thinking? If the reason overcomes the crime?

[Asker]

No my cousin went behind my back to talk to him as in date him/ get his attention after I confided in her about him and when I told my mother about it she said “well what do you want me to do “ “I’m sure there are things that you did” and most times shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes.

[Noredcarpet]

God, that's so bad, I'm sorry to hear that. Then it wss really miles away from why I was approached. If you are going through depression it should be in your moms interest to lets say go with you to whoever it is you're talking to. In dysfunctional families that it not as easy as it sounds. I have had ex who came from a family on their way to heal when I think what ever mental his parent had came alive in him. The other ex came from 2 different types of addicts of parents in denial and I got no support from his family when I was only trying to help him, too proud, scared, in denial maybe to put that aside to help your son. Instead I became the difficult one, the enemy. I understand you are lonely right now, but try to join a club of joined interest for instance and put in discipline in your day, and rest. Even if small talk can be difficult for you you can try to do that with people. Your cousin sound like a lost case but despite your mom being insensitive I hope she will get this and make efforts to come around.

[desidoll]

Go no contact. That’s what I did. You can work on your personal issue without them. It will be hard and a struggle at first but eventually you will manage. Getting back to them will just disappoint you and delaying your healing process because toxic people often don’t change. They will only get worse as they age. I have learned the hard way.

[Asker]

I feel so hurt and unstable by it

[petitedollbabee]

It’s so hard but it’s better to go no contact with them. I’ve cut off a lot of my family as they were harming me more than helping me. I replaced them with friends, aka chosen family. You need people around who will build you up and not tear you down, even if it means you’ll be lonely for a little while until you find the right people.

[Asker]

It’s even worse when you have severe mental health and other things..

[Keyboardkat]

What is there to work out? "Working it out" requires two people who are willing to try to work it out. But you've said he doesn't want you. That sounds like a drop-dead finish. Listen, I know from experience what it is to have your heart broken by someone you're crazy about. It hurts like hell, and the pain lasts and lasts. But it REALLY DOES

[Keyboardkat]

Sorry, I must have hit "send" too soon. I was going to say, it REALLY DOES lessen with time, and eventually it will become simply a chapter in your past life that you remember, but along with many other chapters that you remember. In the meantime, you should take a trip, join a club, learn a new language, take up a musical instrument, take a college course, whatever may interest you. What you SHOULDN'T do is date someone too soon, while you're still in agony, because you're not ready. You are not emotionally available to someone new. You are actually using them for a temporary band-aid and it's not fair to do that to someone.
You'll know when you're ready. When you can hear his name without feeling a stab in the gut, when that song no longer moves you to tears, when you can see him coming down the street without crossing the street to avoid him, then you'll know you're ready to move on! I wish you all the best!

[Asker]

I’m saying work it out with my family after my cousin went behind my back to talk to him after I confided in her about him and when I tried to get emotional support about it and tell those close they invalidated me horribly

[WhitneySnow]

If they were supportive of you your whole life and this time they disagreed with you, maybe you should try and work it out with them. Also, there are going to be times in your life when someone you have a crush on doesn’t want you back. It’s not worth flipping out and losing your family over.

[Asker]

Financially but not emotionally…I think it’s hurtful for a family member you were close with to talk to a man you were dealing with and confided in her with.

[WhitneySnow]

Maybe. Was this guy like your boyfriend? Cause if he was just some guy you were crushing on who didn’t like you back, you’ve got to get over it.

[Flower7]

When you say you think something is going on, do you mean something romantic between your cousin and your ex?

[Asker]

Yes I think something romantic

[PostHocFallacy]

No idea on most of what you've written; not very clear. So I'm gunna say your family is not the ones in the wrong here

[In_Trance]

How do you type all that dialogue out so fast when you ask the question twice? Or do you just cut and paste?

[In_Trance]

How do you type all that dialogue out so fast when you ask the question twice? Or do you just cut and paste?

[HollyK21]

You need to go back to therapy Chels. Pick someone you like and talk to them.

[Asker]

I agree but I stand by how I feel and even if it “wasn’t true “ my mother was wrong

[HollyK21]

She just doesn’t know what to do anymore, you don’t even know what to do. You fixate on these situations and don’t know how to let them go. You don’t know how to deal with disagreeable people, so if she were to do anything other than be agreeable you make it difficult for her. There’s no progression, no learning, how you get on these things is just exhausting. Maybe you’ve learned to manage your mental health over recent time but prior to this you weren’t making it easy for those around you to openly feel whatever they were feeling.

[Asker]

Well then I’ll move on. It still bothers me and she’s still in communication with him so.. I’ll remove myself. I’m allowed to feel how I feel and they are free to do what they want

[HollyK21]

You don’t know they have been or ever were in communication and that’s why you can’t move on, you can’t make peace with thoughts and feelings. In fact all your “feelings” in the world isn’t solid proof, therefore your paranoia destroyed a perfectly fine relationship with family over a man you knew for a little over a week and one date. Congratulations.

[Asker]

Go to hell. Let this case GO!

[HollyK21]

You can lash out (per usual) if you want but it’s true.

[Asker]

I’m not lashing out I’m just tired of feeling like you no one is listening or like anything I say doesn’t matter

[HollyK21]

Chels, it’s not that people aren’t listening to your side you just don’t have much of one in some of these situations. Like despite how you feel about your cousin it doesn’t change the fact that you had no solid proof of her talking to that man, it’s just the impression you got based off what happened when you pretended to be her. If you weren’t dealing with the mental health issues that you have, trust that you would not be looking at it through this lens.

[Asker]

She did it and you’re defending her! When it’s evident! I’m not arguing with you about it. He’s a fag and my cousin was wrong

[HollyK21]

Denial isn’t helping you. You had no proof and you still accused her, tried getting her kicked out your moms house, cussed her out, you did the most yet except full forgiveness at the pace you want it.

[Asker]

Nope I don’t apologize for weirdness

[HollyK21]

I didn’t say anything about you apologizing.

[Asker]

Ok so leave it tf alone!

[HollyK21]

You’re the one that brings it up.

[HollyK21]

You already know how I feel about that entire situation so you can’t expect to mention it and me not address the statement at all. You just don’t like being reminded of your part in this when your part explains literally everything. You can keep pushing whatever narrative makes you feel the most validated but when you’ve got people like me, who were around when all that went down, then you’re gonna get reminded of the facts.

[Asker]

You weren’t there boo! You can’t contribute anything! You don’t know more than me

[HollyK21]

So you’re just a liar then?

[Asker]

I’m whatever you think. It has nothing to do with me.

[HollyK21]

It has everything to do with you, you said it. That’s why I ask if you’re a liar, because I’ve only recalled what YOU have said, verbatim. You just don’t wanna hear it. Don’t know how you expect to resolve anything acting like none of that happened. Making you feel validated requires totally erasing all you’ve done and absolving yourself of guilt. You are guilty, you fucked up.

[Asker]

Whatever you say Holly