Am I the one being insensitive, or is my boyfriend the one who doesn’t care about me?

[Yasemiin]

Hi. My boyfriend was having some family problems. When I woke up for suhoor, he was online. We just said good morning, and he said we would talk about his family problems tomorrow. I said okay. I came home from work at noon and asked him, “So, what happened?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. We’ll talk later.”
I asked him why he was online when I woke up for suhoor. He said he was talking to his friend. I said, “So that means you don’t want to talk to me, but you can talk to your friend at 4 a. m?”
He said, “I’ll talk to you later. I’m not okay right now. Some new things happened, so I don’t want to talk.” I wasn’t convinced. I said, “If you want, we don’t have to talk at all. You probably don’t even tell me most of what you tell your friend. But I see you as the closest person to me and I share my problems with you.” He said I was being insensitive. He swore that he tells me too. He said, “Even if my friend were here right now, I wouldn’t tell them either. New things happened, so I’m not feeling well and I don’t want to talk.”
One minute later, he said, “Come, I’ll tell you.” I said I didn’t want to listen anymore. Then we ended up arguing.
Do you think I’m right? Doesn’t he see me as someone close to him?

Updates

4 mo

Please explain your thoughts.

[_Maya_]

I dont think you are right. The reason why I don't think you are is because you dont know the situation of what happened anymore than I do. Perhaps this friend of his would understand the situation better and require less explaining and give better advice. That is your boyfriend's prerogative to seek out the person he thinks will give the best help. Maybe this friend of his has a very good understanding of the entire family. You shouldn't take this so personal or as some major slight. He didn't feel like explaining it to you at 4am after he just did to someone else. That's the way I am looking at the situation. You should be understanding and wait until he is ready. That's what being a good supportive partner means. It means backing off when he needs space instead of jumping to conclusions that he is no longer close to you.

[Yasemiin]

It still hurts me that after such a long relationship and so much emotional closeness, how can he not see me as someone close?

He spends more time with me than with his friend. At that hour, he messaged his friend and told the whole story. He never tells me anything unless I ask first, and he doesn’t open up about his problems on his own. And to many of my questions, he gives vague or indirect answers. But he told the whole story to his friend at that hour.

[_Maya_]

I understand the frustration. I see in another reply that you say this is a distant relationship. That may explain a lot as to why he confided in a close friend for something serious that happened. It also explains why perhaps you are a little insecure. That is easy to be like that when there is distance between two people.

[SueShe]

Looks like you two have communications issues in your relationship. That is not uncommon but should be addressed in a separate conversation.

Your boyfriend's mistake was to tell you that he has issues with his family but later did not want to talk about it. Your mistake was to pout about him not wanting to tell you and you getting upset about thinking that his friends are more important to him than you are.

The fact that he seems to be chatting with his friends in the middle of the night leads me to believe that his friends' priority takes precedence over you and that would be enough to make me wonder why you are in a relationship with him in the first place.

He does indeed not see you as close to him as he is to his friends. You know, a relationship comes and goes while friends (true friends) usually stay much longer.

[Anonymous]

You aren't wrong for wanting to be his primary support, but pushing for information while someone is in an active state of distress often backfires. He likely does see you as his closest person which is exactly why he didn't want to talk until he felt okay enough to handle your reaction.

When things calm down, you might want to ask him: When you're stressed, do you need space or do you need me to distract you? This helps avoid the insensitive vs. uncaring trap next time.

Good luck.

[Nikki1989]

It can feel like a secondary betrayal to learn that a friend gained access at 4:00 AM while you were under duress.

[In_Trance]

Where is he?

[Yasemiin]

What do you mean?🤔
At home

[In_Trance]

Do you not live together?

[Yasemiin]

No
Distant relationship

[In_Trance]

Shocker