Is it okay to prefer an outspoken child over a fearful, obedient one?

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest and many of the old-school people might criticize me for this but if I had to select between the extremes (if those were the only options) of a fearful, submissive and obedient child or an outspoken one... I'll take the outspoken one anytime. Just like there are some parents that prefer having their child fearing them than being outspoken, I'm the opposite.

Obviously there are ways of raising a kid without being authoritarian nor permissive. I've decided to actually do the 3 Cs (connection, communication and cooperation) of healthy discipline with my child and establish boundaries early on.

Updates

4 mo

My nearly 10 month-old baby boy has a lot of strength. He managed to still reach his arms to knock down my PC (luckily it's the upgraded, much smaller and thinner version) by pulling the plastic bag. He knocked down a table chair and dropped a plate.
I have an idea of what toddler I'll likely be dealing with; a hyperactive one and strong-willed one.

[Cyfris]

I think it is not that easy. There is not one or the other. I think you need a little bit of everything. Of course you want an outspoken child but you still want a child that is capable of not shoving his foot far in his mouth that he can't make friends or develop relationships. some things are better left unsaid. You don't want a child to live in fear but you don't want them to be disrespectful little shits that ruin everything everywhere they go and you don't want an obediant child that follows the other lemmings of the cliff and can think for themselves but you will want them to share your values and obey what rules matter.

[Asker]

I'm going to do the gentle parenting approach with my son. There are still boundaries and rules but not those old-school physical punishments nor getting given the cold shoulder or terrifying death looks. I don't want my son to ever to scared of his own mother. He has to trust me on everything, whether it's a minor incident or something major, trust me enough that he won't ever have ''oh dear if my mom finds out, she'll kill me (figuratively)'' thoughts.

[Cyfris]

Oh dear if mom finds out she'll kill me is still better then losing him to say fentenyl or dangeous idiology. You may not understand until you find a gun and 8 ball of coke hidden in your kids room but trust me anything is possible. Remember the difference between a cop and a criminal is one bad decision. The best advice I would have is to not have a plan and take each sotuation for what it is and stomp out what needs stomping and nurture what needs nurturing and advise where advice can be given and do the best you can and be as honest as possible along the way.

[MrChinaski]

It's better to seek forgiveness than permission.

[Cyfris]

@MrChinaski Agreed as long as you are aware there are some things that are unforgiveable. There is a line from which you can cross that there is no return from.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

A lot of parents need to learn to guide and explain rather than punish and blame

[Asker]

Exactly. I hate the punitive style. Why punish if the little kid is learning how the world works? Why punish a toddler throwing a tanturm. They're just expressing their emotions and clearly don't know how to.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

When I was a kid my parents were extremely punative. They'd tell me to do something, I'd ask why. I thought I was clarifying what I was doing, they thought I was trying to get out of doing it.

Caused a lot of problems for everyone. You should never assume you just know what a kid is thinking

[7Phoenix7]

I think kids should feel safe and comfortable enough to speak their minds and question their parents. They should know they can talk to us about anything without feeling afraid…

Teaching children to simply stay quiet and obey without question can backfire. Mistakes are part of learning, and instead of punishing every little thing…those moments can be opportunities to guide them and help them understand the world.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

[MontBlanc]

Yes, it’s okay to have preferences, but it’s important to remember that every child has their own temperament.

An outspoken child might be easier to engage with, but a quieter or more obedient child can also thrive with encouragement and support.

What matters most is nurturing their strengths rather than expecting one “type” to be better.

[Theunfadeable]

You could prefer whatever you like. the Way you posed your questions is biased because you conflated obedience with being fearful when being obedient is a positive trait in a child. I work with fifth graders so I spend all day with children raised by people like you who don’t value obedience and respect and children and it’s an absolute pain in the ass I have to devote all types of time to correcting outspoken kid who don’t know shit.

they think they’re being cool and rebellious but all they’re doing is walking around with the toxic too, being difficult and developing patterns that lead to missed opportunities antisocial behavior in the future. sometimes the shit they say is entertaining, but they’re certainly not saying anything that’s gonna change the fucking world Or anything of any actual value. I wish I had more time to spend with the fearful respectful kids who come to school and do what the fuck they’re supposed to do but most of my energy and attention has to go to the outspoken ones.

[Asker]

I wouldn't mind if a child is a help and obedient through positive discipline, operant conditioning and guidance. I hate it whenever people think discipline is hitting kids with belt or other household objects and then confuse obedience only based on fear with respect.

[Asker]

**a helper
If a child is naturally shy, reserved and calm without those severe punishment ok I don't mind that. At least they're naturally. Let's say a little kid throws a tantrum or says a bad word he learned; resort to immediately corporal punishment isn't a logical consequence. Hitting isn't learning.

[Asker]

Eventually fear-based compliance can also backfire on some people. They can rebel afterwards as adults once the fear isn't there anymore or they already know they're way past the age (18+ older) of those punitive style.

[Theunfadeable]

Sometimes discipline is hitting kids with a belt. Good parents dedicate their lives to giving kids everything they need and most of what they want and all the kids have to do is go to school and try. Certain shit should not be tolerated and in some situations corporal punishment is the best way to deal with things. . Some kids can be raised without putting hand on them but it’s a mistake for parents act like this is wrong in all circumstances.

[MrChinaski]

Yes. My 16 year old daughter has always carved her own bold opinions on things and doesn't tolerate idiots. When she was 9 years old she wrote up a careful and coherent argument as to why we should get a pet dog and posted it to the fridge, surreptitiously. I am super-proud of her!!!

[Asker]

Exactly. That's exactly what I would want for my son. I hate when children are only odedient and sweet out of fear of punishment but would've had their own opinions and more personality if it weren't for that.

[Nikki1989]

We often prefer the child who mirrors our energy. If you are also outspoken, the fearful child may seem enigmatic to you. If you are quiet, the outspoken child may seem overwhelming.

[MrChinaski]

This is true.

[nolabels]

Being fearful is not cool.

I was a fearful kid.
It wasn't fun.

[Asker]

Yeah it's not cool. My father once almost went apeshit on me when I was 14 for losing my golden bracelet my godmother gave me as a gift on one of my birthdays. There was no reason to scream nor threatened to hit me over that. How is accidentally losing an expensive valuable even a reason to threaten to use corporal punishment over that? I saw him as a crazy, lunatic person that day. Plus, you're not suppose to scold in anger.

[Asker]

It's not like I planned to purposely lose it. I simply lost it. It was an accident. That reaction was way overdone. Thankfully my mother intervened and told him off. She thought he was crazy for trying to hit me over that.

[Asker]

and at the age of 14... I felt humiliated.

[nolabels]

I'm sorry that was your experience.

I didn't experience physical violence myself as a kid, but I was sometimes on the receiving end of angry scolding.
I'd imagine that it's a rare person who doesn't experience at least some angry scolding as a kid.

I think my fear as a kid was just because I was so terribly shy, which I've since been very successful in overcoming.

As a dad myself, there've been times that I've scolded my son in anger.
No violence, but anger, yes.
I still love my late parents very much.
They were humans, subject to fault, as are we all.

I apologized as quickly as I could and have gone on to try to be better.

He's now in his late-20s, hopefully doing as well as can be.

His mother, my wife, passed away a very short time ago, so we're grieving her right now, but yeah, I think my son is okay.

I hope that you find peace.
It's very possible to do.

Cheers to you!

[Asker]

At least you did apologized and improved. I think that's the most important thing in a person, recognizing the wrong and amend it.
I don't like the people that keep apologizing for the same thing over and over, but there is no change nor actions taken.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you

[Asker]

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in this.

[Anonymous]

No it is not okay.

[MrChinaski]

Interested in your thinking here.