How do you handle conflict with a defensive parent without escalating?

[Tiptoetamm]

So here's a bit of history. My mother is my main and really only parent. While I did have step fathers and have one now they've never accepted me the way she accepts their children. Anyway I love my mother to death and I would do anything for her. I'm not the kind of person to take bullshit and i'm not one to bitch all the time. if I bitch about it over and over again I tell myself if I don't like it. Change it. So I had this conversation with my mother telling her that her sweeping her emotions and issues under the rug and making things tense in our household. I tried my best to stay calm and do my best to communicate with her but once she becomes defensive or acts like i'm being disrespectful when I know i'm just communicating I just don't like that so yeah I raise my voice and say the things that are true and the shit that hurts sometimes, I know i'm super animated and flamboyant. Im loud and I speak my mind. I wish she would hear me and start making herself happy and stop looking for validation outside your herself. the first step to acceptance is accepting yourself for who you are. My mother does have some issues just like us all, and she's been through a lot in her life she hasn't healed from and i'm not making excuses for her but I do get it. Maybe I am wrong here and I have no problem admitting when im wrong and accepting that I could have handled it better. I definitely could have approached it better. so long story short. when I do speak up and stand on what I am saying she tries to retaliate or humiliate me because she feels i've done that to her. How do y'all handle that? i'm just curious if I handled this correctly.

Updates

4 mo

All I’m saying is I wish she saw herself the way I see her

[ohsheeT]

Well clearly there's something bothering you that's maybe deeper than surface

Sometimes you have to step back out of the picture to hear your words that you're speaking to a person and do it as a friend as a stranger even to keep your tone light and not project yourself into the situation everybody knows there's a right way and a wrong way to handle things and everybody wants to do it their way but with every word you say there's a tone and an ego that comes with it and if you're trying to be right then that's what you're going to project if you're trying to find answers there's a way to go about that nothing in this world is really that big of a deal but in order to get there you have to be able to communicate about it without negative energy or ego having a feeling that somebody has to be right because it doesn't matter what it's about nobody's right because that's two people that have to see eye to eye to be right so if you just want answers then go about it that way don't project things that are out of control your control

[Tiptoetamm]

I hear ya gives me something to think about

[ohsheeT]

Yes people are so programmed now days. When they feel like they have to talk to somebody else they feel that's going to be all out War battle and there's no reason for that I mean say what you have to say and forget about it it's done it's over but at least you got it out of your system do it in a way that you would like it done to you there is no right there is no wrong you have feelings and they have feelings and you have to at least hear each other and Let It Go find out the answer and let it go or change it but there's no reason to bitch Bark bite. Everybody's getting too old for that there's ways to do things peaceful nowadays

Whatever you want to confront her on she had a reason and sometimes nobody knows the whole story so and then there's always going to be people that say yes I know the whole story and they don't they only see a way for them to justify their anger because of what they think they know

[Tiptoetamm]

yeah that's half the problem is she doesn't like confrontation so she avoids conversations and they she gets overwhelmed and starts having an attitude with everyone including me and that usually doesn't happen so yeah. she promised that when there is somthing I do that upsets her she said she would come to me instead of being passive aggressive and making rude comments so ill take it. progress!!!

[ohsheeT]

Yes and those are the real moments in a relationship where you just have to be quiet and look her deep into the eyes and let her say what she has to say if you jump in and you take it out another Direction that's your ego and you can't do that you got to let her do her thing let her have her moment and just agree shake your head and when she's done stand up walk to her give her a hug just say I hear you and apologize if that's what you have to do but too many people want to argue back and forth back and forth and that's not what it's all about it's all about listening there doesn't have to be a right or wrong there has to be a moment where you're paying attention and listening because no matter what she says it's valid because she feels it so you have to let her feel it

[Friendlybro79]

The best way to handle a conflict from escalating is to not have the conflict at all. Shut down these types of conversations and advise her to see a therapist. You're not helping her at all and it's not your place as her child to be her therapist.

It's ok to talk about stuff that's bothering you but at some point you need to be smart enough to realize you're not able to control your own emotions when trying to "help" her. You obviously must mean well but it's just not working and it's inappropriate to continue to have the same conversation over and over, expect she's going to magically change because you said so, when you're (correct me if I'm wrong) not a therapist. Even if you were you'd not take your Mom as a patient.

[Tiptoetamm]

You’re absolutely right. I just have to accept it and move on thanks for your answer

[Friendlybro79]

You're welcome. I only know this because I was in a very similar situation with my dad lol

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You can’t expect other people to change just because you want them to, it’s not a pleasant thought to have but you need to remember that your mother is not you, she has not done the same work on herself that you’ve done. She clearly takes anything critical as an attack, as most would. If you’re not satisfied with her behavior, change your own. I don’t mean this in the sense of giving your mother what she wants, but in the sense of distancing yourself. If every mild confrontation or conflict turns into a shouting match, assume that confronting her will change nothing and work without it. Make boundaries and keep them.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You can’t change someone else, only yourself. Assert control over your own actions and move forward with what’s best. If she’s going to change that’s HER responsibility and will only happen when she wants to, and not before that moment comes

[Tiptoetamm]

I would just like my mother to be happy but apparently I’m wrong for that

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

As much as it sucks, your mother’s feelings are a choice. Her choice. If she wants to be miserable, she’ll stay miserable. Trust me, I speak from years and years of experience picking up the pieces left behind from my grandmother emotionally abusing my mother. You can’t make them feel any other way than how they want to, I’m sorry

[Tiptoetamm]

Your absolutely right I just talked to her and apologized for my ridiculousness I stand by what I said and she did admit that what I said did help her and give her straight so thank you for pushing me to talk to her about this. What you said really made me think I appreciate you

[Tiptoetamm]

Strength

[Bricealan]

@Tiptoetamm from my POV, what you described is not all that unusual. As a mature adult of 35, I guess I would say for you to just 'suck it up" and not really respond in the way you feel at the time. I too have done that, not with a parent, but outside my family, and immediately saw my 'error' and apologized for my outburst.

Not knowing your family dynamics, it is tough to give you a well thought out reply, but family relationships can be volatile and sometimes we have to step away and review the situation and maybe rethink our response.

I don't' know if that helps?

[Tiptoetamm]

okay so lets get real. I didn't totally get into it because I didn't want to bash my mother or anything but if you saw and experienced what I have you would have done the same thing. my family does not like communicate and im the opposite. I like talking things through and making things right so both people can feel better about the situation. I don't do well with passive aggressive behavior and taking their frustrations out on me. the only one who is gonna stick up for me is me. if I don't like how things are going I have the right to talk about it. am I perfect? NO... Im human so of course I fuck up and I know I have anger issues I've been working on for years but seriously to bring my age into it like because im a 35 year old woman im not allowed ro express my feelings I don't agree with that at all. the only way im going to manage my anger issues and anxiety is if I handle things the way my therapist suggests. I don't know I definitely could have handled it better but the shit between for and I is squashed so its all good. moving on just wanted to see how others handled situations like this so maybe I can learn and grow and handle it better next time.

[Bricealan]

@Tiptoetamm I did not mean to sound 'critical of you because of you being 35 and am sorry if I sounded that way. I did not mean to offend you.

[Tiptoetamm]

I mean did it get to me a bit yeah but I know my truth so that’s all that matters but if someone else reads this and see that comment and I don’t address it the maybe that woman or man would think 🤔 hmm maybe because I’m an adult I should keep my mouth shut and that’s just not the care. Not trying to offend you either just want to make sure whom ever uses this if anyone ever does it’s helpful you know what I’m saying

[Bricealan]

@Tiptoetamm the truth is, if you feel strongly about something, you should speak up. I do that also

[Tiptoetamm]

Thanks for having a civil conversation with me. This is what I’m talking about you may not totally agree in the beginning but by the end of it you both come to conclusions so yeah communication is key here

[AgentG111]

Like my parents or a fellow parent of my child or other children?

[fish5505_87]

I learning from the responses!

[Tiptoetamm]

Good I’m glad. The point was for me to look at it from another angle and that’s exactly what happened and I’m so happy I asked this question. I kind of regretted it in the beginning but not anymore