Is it rude to ask birthday party guests to bring food and a gift?

[Amy10223]

I have a friend who likes to makes parties at her home. They are usually the kind where people bring food. This time, she invited me to her son's birthday party. She told me this about a month ago, and sent a reminder today, for the party on Saturday. Now, she is telling everyone to "feel free to being snacks", when she hasn't mentioned anything until now--3 days before the party. That part doesn't bother me as much as the fact that she is having a party but you need to bring food (and a gift) to her son's birthday party.

I have always made birthday parties for my girls when they were young. I always made the door myself, or had not catered. I don't expect people to being food to a party whenI am the one inviting people to come.

So-- I am bringing a gift, and myself. What are your thoughts?

[loveslongnails]

First, to answer your question, how old is the person the party is for? Is it an adult? Child? Either way, it's tacky to specify "bring a gift". If the party is for an adult, I can see it being a "bring a dish" party, but in that case, the hostess should supply the beverages. If it's "bring your own booze, beer and wine", the hostess should supply the food.

If it's an adult birthday, gifts are entirely optional and shouldn't be asked for. That is really rude. If it's a child's birthday, who comes to a child's party without bringing a gift? It's understood, so again, it's really rude to specify.

I can't give an opinion on your choice without knowing more info.

[Amy10223]

He is a going to be, a 35 year old man, I believe. He is in his mid-thirties. He has moved back in with his Mom. She planned this party for him, and of course I was bringing a gift. But I thought--the food should be up to her. When my daughters were young, I'd be in charge of food for their parties. I never expected guests to bring food along with gifts. Now, I did ask her--because she didn't mention food until now, what kind of things does he like. I asked here as well, What kind of present should I get a 35 yr old man I don't know well?
Just to add a little more information--this is a friend I met through a wine club I belong to. I always cook for this club, and she knows it. People bring in food, baked goods, chips, cheese, and so on. I don't mind cooking for this club, because I like to cook. What I don't like, is being taken advantage of. She takes advantage of my time. She will stay over my. house for hours, thinking I have nothing else to do. This is my fault; I need to tell people, hey you know, it's time for you to leave. Well, she takes advantage of that--and takes advantage of any generosity that I do. It's my nature--and I am beginning to see that she really only invites me over to her house, when she needs food. This is why I'm asking the question. Again--I never expect people to being food when I am the one hosting the party. For an adults party--sure, they can bring wine or snacks. But food that you cook--no.

[loveslongnails]

To be perfectly frank, I would decline the invitation completely. First of all, her son is not your friend. You don't know him. You're under no obligation to give him a gift. Second, the hostess should supply the food, or the drink, or both. She is supplying nothing from the sound of it.

I would not attend this party. If you've already agreed to attend, I would rescind that and say anything you want. That's what I would do. What you do is up to you.

[Amy10223]

I have thought of doing just that. I agree with all you said.

[Amy10223]

She supplied cookies at her last party! I’m not kidding.

[loveslongnails]

Amy, at your age, why should you do things you don't want to do and be around people who take advantage of you? Life's too short. Go do something YOU want to do with people you enjoy doing it with!!

[Amy10223]

I agree! She had ordered 4 pizzas and had chips. About 4 people brought in food, including me. I noticed that most folks did not bring in food. I don’t even know if they brought in a gift.
She normally makes a group phone conversation with me and another friend I know. I noticed that when she asked me to “feel free to bring snacks” ( that’s what she said on her party) she did not also write to this person— and the person didn’t bring anything. So it seems she only asked a few to bring. All she had were the pizzas, sangria ( the welcome drink) and cordials plus a tiny cake someone baked. That was the birthday cake!
She's already inviting me to go somewhere in June. I have turned down her invitations many times, because I’ve made the mistake of treating her to lunch when she is the inviter. She’s just taking advantage of. I won’t be going to any more of her “ parties” They are more like fund raisers.

[Amy10223]

* ( that’s what she said in her last party, the “feel free”)

[Bklynbadboy12]

Nope thats not rude at all they should automatically want to bring a gift

[Amy10223]

I am bringing a gift.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Your a good friend

[Bklynbadboy12]

Thanks for the MHO

[thegreenyogi]

In Italy it's a given even without anyone needing to ask. Everyone brings something to a party whether it's food, drink or anything else related. So in my view it's definitely not considered rude.

[Amy10223]

I'm bringing a gift, to a birthday party I was invited to. In my view, the party should be planned along with food, and invitees can bring snacks (or food) if they choose to.

[NathanDavis]

friends and family won't mind it...

those who are not friends will roll their eyes, lol

[Amy10223]

I am a friend and I thought it was not food to have to bring food to something you were invited for. In the end— she ordered 4 pizzas, and had chips and someone she knew bought a tiny birthday cake, that had to be cut for about 22 people. That was the extent of her food —- everyone else bought food too, I bought a homemade quiche.
Very different from what I and my family used to do! When I made a party, or a dinner, I made all the food. Guests sometimes bought wine or dessert.

[Amy10223]

*** not right to ask folks to bring food. I won’t be going again!

[NathanDavis]

if my family and circle of friends.. is different

my mother used to organize entire street/block parties for some kids birthdays... and everyone would bring in something...

not all the families in the street had the same income, and that never mattered in our street, at least, so...

that was our community (back in Mexico) but yeah, in Texas was a bit different... if you didn't rent a place and threw something "huge" then nobody cared and they wouldn't show up

[Amy10223]

That’s very common in some cultures, to throw potluck parties for family and close friends, and neighbors like your mother did. It’s normal for everyone to bring in something for these parties, because you can’t expect one person to cook for dozens of people.
But, in my view, if this lady wanted to have a birthday party for her son, she should have the funds to do everything and not expect the party to be funded by everyone else.
Only about 4 or 5 people actually brought in food. Not including her pizzas. Imagine if no one brought anything— she said “feel free to bring in snacks”—-imagine if only pizza was there. She would be embarrassed, I think with 22 people or more showing up to eat pizzas.
But besides that, she had set up these d fashioned games in the backyard to be played, line ring toss. To me, that’s very juvenile for a 35 yr old male. Nice guy too, but I think my daughters wouldn’t want that.

[NathanDavis]

we just value people over gifts...

that's all

[Amy10223]

Yes. Most people should.

[Sevenpointfive]

no, i think it's a great idea! a potluck b-day is fun but you shouldn't stress the gift part. the dish should be the optional gift. if someone wants to give more then they will. a gift should never be expected or it wouldn't be a gift.

[bowenw]

I think it is rude to ask that. People going to a child's birthday party automatically know to bring a gift. Food is normally supplied by the host for children's parties.

[exitseven]

Lets face it, these things are just big fund raisers. Bring a gift and if you do not get invited next year, t lest you save on buying another present.