How do I cope with an intense mother-in-law as a new mum?

Question

Since Felicity was born, I've realised just how difficult becoming a new mum can be, especially when I feel like I have to navigate my in-laws' intense involvement at the same time. I genuinely believe my mother-in-law has many admirable qualities. She has overcome cancer several times, cared for others, runs a charity, and is incredibly generous. However, I also find her controlling, overbearing, competitive, and dismissive of my feelings.

I often feel judged by her. Over the years I've been left with the impression that she sees me as fat, lazy and unintelligent, and comments about my body during pregnancy only reinforced those feelings. She regularly pays for things and buys expensive gifts, which I'm grateful for, but it can sometimes feel like generosity comes with influence. My own family are very different - they are laid back, accepting and supportive, and never feel the need to compete.

Since Felicity arrived, the intensity has increased. My in-laws want to see her constantly, spoil her, and be heavily involved in every aspect of her life. I sometimes feel they are competing with my family over time and gifts. I don't fully trust my mother-in-law to care for Felicity unsupervised because I don't feel she pays enough attention to practical things like changing her properly, yet she often watches everything I do as though she's assessing me. Her saying she wanted Felicity to call her "Mama" deeply upset me because I am her mother.

The hardest part is feeling unable to talk openly to my husband. Whenever I raise concerns, I feel dismissed or that he becomes defensive, leaving me feeling alone. Sometimes it feels like there are three people in our marriage instead of two, and I've even found myself thinking that moving away might be the only way for us to have space to become our own family.

bear34 · Answer

First of all, I am sorry about the difficulties you are facing. You have to accept certain realities from the start. For instance, if you are marrying the son of a wealthy family, you should have anticipated that the family—and especially your husband's mother—would interfere in many matters. You should have realized that your mother-in-law would be prone to jealousy and would try to put herself first. Didn't you discuss these things with your husband before marrying him? You should have known that he would often side with his family. I certainly do not condone your mother-in-law's behavior; however, I am surprised that you are acting as if everything changed overnight. You should have established your boundaries right from the beginning—for example, by refusing expensive gifts. I think you need to set your own rules now. Tell your husband that you want to raise your child in a modest way. Maintain strong communication with your husband. It will take a long time for them to respect you, but at least you can be a mother who stands firm on her rules for the sake of your child.

jahaims · Answer

You married a weak man. Now you are suffering the consequences of a stupid action

Paige2006 · Answer

Tell your husband to handle her

How do I cope with an intense mother-in-law as a new mum?

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