What is it about me that she sees to keep me as a friend?

[Anonymous]

Not looking for a boost of ego here. I am seriously curious what it is about me that my female friend sees to keep me around when it looks to me she enjoys so many other guy friends around her.

We are both in college. Me, introvert, quiet most of the time but can open up with certain people. I’m my most comfortable with her. She is the opposite. Extrovert. Talks to everyone. Literally. Janitor to students to vendors. She loves chatting and laughing. We got close past couple of years.

lots of talking about life, childhood, goals, daily bs. I’ve been very vulnerable and have opened up to her in ways I never have to anyone before. It seems she enjoys my company but what I don’t get is, she seems so much happier and joyful around other guys.

her laughter is louder, she is seems to enjoy when guys are as chatty as she is. I’m not jealous at all but I can’t help but compare and be like, what is it about me?

I try my best to be a good guy to her. Help whenever I can. Get her coffee is needed or a snack. Pump her up and give genuine compliments if I see her killing it at school and life. We have our moments of laughter but lately it’s been more just talking and keeping company.

I've gotten her mad at one point and she gave me the silent treatment for a while. I was stupid and got drunk and told a lie to someone but included her name in the lie as if she was part of it when in reality she wasn’t. Really dumb. But eventually she broke the ice. I apologized and told her I missed her. She told me I got her really mad and it’s rare she talks to someone again after that. Again, all I can think is there is something about me she wants to keep around.

can’t help but compare…others get the stronger laugh and chattyness. Not that she doesn’t talk my head off (but I love it) lol

when I’m with her I feel as if I’m with family. The sister I never had. I wonder if she feels something similar.

[HollyK21]

Are you sure there’s no romantic interest on your end and maybe you’re suppressing those feelings out of fear? Mainly because you’ve put so much emphasis on the fact that this is an opposite sex connection, although I’m not sure why that matters because you’ve put can develop a fondness with either gender. I’m also not sure why there has to be some reason or explanation as to why she keeps you as a friend. I mean, you say you’ve been classmates for a couple years, so in all that time it makes sense for her to become closer with you, since you’ve built a rapport. If you are in fact searching for deeper meaning to her fondness, then sure, we could play devils advocate and say maybe this is her way of relaying romantic interest. I’m which case it’d likely have to be you who makes a move first, not to say a woman can’t do it but too often we won’t.

[Asker]

100% no interest there. She’s more like a sister. It helps knowing off the bat when we met her type of guys which I am not. So that died at the very beginning. Ever since it’s all platonic. And I’m comparing myself to guys because I am a guy and am wondering why keep me around when she has better dudes to keep around.

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. Let me ask you this — why does you being a guy need to have any impact on why she “keeps you around”? If this is strictly platonic then you’d simply have the qualities of a good friend and that is the main reason. You listed several thoughtful gestures and polite things you’ve done, along with how you’ve been classmates for years now as opposed to this being some new connection. Whether you were a man or woman, building a rapport with someone you see so regularly just naturally happens. Being a guy doesn’t make you some sort of alien, you’re just a person getting along with another person more than she gets along with some others. I’m sure you’ve had people in your life who you have better friendships with than someone else. It can really be that simple. Looking for deeper meaning and what complicates things go an unnecessary extent.

[Asker]

I completely see what you’re saying. Gender doesn’t matter. I’m just so used to comparing myself to other guys all my life sadly lol so the real question is, even though I think I don’t bring much to the table, more quiet, not as smart as her and others around her…not that I’m an idiot, but I’m just not up to that level…why does she like me as a friend? I’m beginning to realize no one can answer that unless I ask her. But you are right. Friends come in all forms and she might enjoy all for different reasons. Just the fact that she told me it was rare of her to talk again to someone who had gotten her mad, makes me feel a little special in a way like there was something about me.

[HollyK21]

Which is totally fine, I think we’re all privy to feeling insecurity, or comparing ourselves to others, and I agree, to get the most solid answer would be talking to her directly. My question to you would be — what makes someone a good friend? Is it about being the loudest or most extroverted? Because to me, this aligns with being a good friend:

“I try my best to be a good guy to her. Help whenever I can. Get her coffee is needed or a snack. Pump her up and give genuine compliments if I see her killing it at school and life. We have our moments of laughter but lately it’s been more just talking and keeping company.”

When you read this context, do you see any reason to include gender? Or are we just looking at the persons character? Because either gender can be privy to doing these things, don’t you think? I guess what I’m getting at is, there’s no need for comparisons to other men, or good reason to question why she remains your friend. Romance complicates things, it creates different expectations and boundaries. Friends have easier standards of forgiving each other. Friends get into fights, stop talking and then patch things up. Including gender in that just muddies the water and makes it the opposite of what you claim this is. If that makes sense.

[Asker]

It makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

I’m not trying to be the loudest in the room. That’s not me. I’m just trying to be a good friend but sometimes I overthink things and question if I’m even good enough or funny enough or smart enough. But I must be if she likes me around. I lack friends. It’s hard for me to open up and allow others to really get to know me since I tend to shy away and close off. But with her, it’s been easy since day one. The comfort level is there. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking too much and making this into a bigger deal since these types of platonic connections don’t come very often for me.

I’ll continue to be me and continue my best to be there for her. That’s all I can do.

[HollyK21]

I really think you should work on not being so hard on yourself in general. I get it, as an adult you’ve kinda settled into who you are and accepted what you believe are shortcomings. But there’s always room for growth, change and betterment, and that can start with simply replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. It may not feel substantial at first but eventually you’ll start noticing how naturally you can think of something positive to say about yourself before sticking that negative at the forefront. You don’t have to lie to yourself obviously but keep the facts at the forefront.

For example, when you mention lacking friends, no where in there did you state that you were less intelligent than those people and therefore the friendship wasted away, or that you weren’t the funniest in the room as a result the friendship didn’t work out. You specifically state that it’s because you are shy and closed off, which are two traits you didn’t mention in your original statement. If you stuck those two facts into the main part of the narrative, along with any other factors which may have contributed to the friendships ultimately ending, then you are actively working to correct any self-degrading or untrue narratives. Also, no problem at all dude. Our minds can be a troubled place but it’s for us to deep clean, taking out the BS and replacing it with positives.

[Asker]

The last sentence really stuck with me. It’s for us to deep clean. I need that. I am very hard on myself, yes. Even yesterday, I saw her. But both times I did all she did was smile at me because she was listening to something in her ear buds. That’s fine, I get it. But then I see her laughing and chatting with others. So of course, I took it as she just didn’t want to talk to me. But I need to understand, sometimes friends need space from you. Not a bad thing. The negativity in my head needs to chill out.

[HollyK21]

The best way I can put it is that you didn’t adopt this mindset overnight, so it’s going to take time to correct. You just have to actively assure you’re consistently doing the work, because then you’ll get to a point where you aren’t even having to check yourself and it just happens naturally. Your mention of what happened yesterday is a great example of regulating your emotions, in my opinion. You recognized that it’s ok if she isn’t giving you much attention at the moment, and redirecting yourself to that “it’s not a bad thing” mindset. It is really (for the most part at least) all in your head, so remind yourself of that.

[jennifer_bloom]

I will see that as a woman I prefer valuable connections over mere happy connections. And my emotional connection with value is higher than my emotional connection with happiness, but you cannot see value appreciation on a woman’s face, you can only see happiness appreciation on a woman’s face, which is why a women that looks deeply interested might only be slightly interested in you and a woman that looks slightly interested might be deeply interested in you. Some emotions are strong, but are not visible on the face, some emotions are weak, but are exaggerated and very obvious on the face.

[NathanDavis]

no need to compare

I have a few good, great friends...

they're all different too, not the same... but they're all good great friends to me

[EmmaMary]

Obviously you're very good at giving her a damn good fucking.

[Spencer10]

Why dont you ask her?

[Asker]

I feel I’d come off weird. Thought of it. She’s never been one to express her feelings about me. I’ve done it to her before and she’s appreciated it but she shows through actions.

This happened to me in high school too. Pretty girl all guys wanted ended up liking me out of even though I was the shy quieter one. I don’t get it. I think I’m judging myself too harshly maybe. I feel lame sometimes.

[Spencer10]

Being friend zoned is unpredictable... but when in doubt communicate with her.

[Anonymous]

Why do u keep her around