How do I make sure I am not his emotional crutch?

[Anonymous]

We are pretty good friends. He used to like me, then I liked him at a different time. We took some time apart so we could get over those feelings but now we're trying to be friends again. He definitely friend zoned me... but still wants to be close? How do I avoid being his emotional crutch/the back up girl? I feel like I might have been that in the past. Also, can I ever get out of the friend zone with him?

[Konnour]

I don't see where is your problem?

Women don't want to be "used" only for sex.. now women also don't want to be emotionally connected? Isn't that what women were striving for all the way along?

How to get out of the friend-zone?

Go, hang out in the late evening at the park, to the hills or any secluded place.. then rip off the clothes of each other and have some damn good sex! Then you no longer will be in friendzone.

[Asker]

hahaha that is not good advice! haha. rip off each others' clothes? ha ha no way. what I mean, is that I don't want to be the girl that's always waiting around for him. idk. I don't mind being emotionally connected, just don't want to be that girl he's just using until he finds someone else. Does that make sense? I think he friend zoned me... which is silly because it's not like he hasn't liked me/kissed me before. seems like friend zoning me would be impossible, right?

[Konnour]

What's stopping you from initiating it? Isn't that what you want anyway?

[Asker]

Many reasons. He liked me, I didn't know. He stopped liking me when I started liking him. He tried to date me when he didn't like me, then later claimed he was just using me because he wanted a girlfriend. We didn't even kiss though so I don't know how that's using someone. He claims it was. So now some time has passed and he said he doesn't like me/that chapter of his life is over. So... that's what's stopping me. We just started speaking again. I said he hurt me/we couldn't be friends, he didn't like that AT ALL

[Konnour]

So why are you still actually having any contact with him?

[Asker]

Because I don't think he was actually using me... I think he was just confused/it was bad timing. And... he really really wants to be friends. I figured given some time we could try again

[aMuse]

I take it he liked you and made an effort to get with you. You didn't know what you want and pushed him away. Now that he walked and moved on you want him... *face palm*

[Asker]

Not quite, but close? He did like me, I didn't know/he didn't try anything... he just gave up. I finally realized it and liked him back... then he tried to date me because it was convenient and he thought there might still be a spark there and then there wasn't for him because he'd already moved on. then he claimed he was just using me... so I got mad, said we couldn't be friends, now we're just speaking again.

[aMuse]

Sounds like he felt like you were d***ing around with him and playing games, so he did the same to you and played tit for tat and said he was using you to hurt you and get even in a way... Now he's indifferent to you... You just happen to be around, and he know you like him now... If he gets desperate he might try to sleep with you... I know that's not what you want to hear but it sounds like what is happening.

[Asker]

He's never had a girlfriend, I doubt he's slept with anyone. I kind of agree with you? Idk. He's said a lot of things, he just wanted me all along, that it was all just subconscious revenge for not liking him etc. I definitely wasn't playing games. I had NO idea he liked me. We've always had a very flirtatious relationship so it was really unclear as to what he was trying to do. I thought he just wanted a hook up and I am not that type. He had mentioned it boyfriend and I was like no way not with friends.

[aMuse]

It's not really a good situation to be in. He was being vindictive, and is still harboring those negative emotions towards you. I don't think that will ever change. He see you that way now. He's got twisted emotions. He likes part of you, but is mad and wants to get even with the other part of you. It's likely to lead to a boat load of drama no matter how you pursue it. =S

If it was a clean parting were the two of you were not mad, and your feelings caught up to him I would say go for it.

[aMuse]

It's in your hands now, you need to pursue and show that you want to be more then friends. But, it was sloppy and I don't think anything is really going to set things right with someone that wants revenge except you ending up getting hurt, weather it is one month or 6 months.

[Asker]

Really? I don't know if he still feels mad at me. He hasn't dated any other girls, but... he says he has no interest in me. I've dated a guy since all of this happened. I still kind of wonder about why it didn't work. It just all seems very... untrue. I don't think he's an evil person. I figured we were ready to start over... idk.

[aMuse]

lol you don't have to be evil to be mad at someone. Like he said he has no interest in you. He's still mad. It still bugs him. He has not moved passed whatever happened.

[Asker]

Wait is he not interested in me because he's still mad?

[aMuse]

Seems like it... When people are vindictive over small things like that, those negative emotions tend to hang with them and they hold things over peoples heads.

[Asker]

So... then why doesn't he just go for me if he still wants me?

[aMuse]

You got to understand, a guy can like a girl, but not want to be with her because he's pissed at her or she did things the wrong way and didn't fixed them at the time. He can get confused and see her and be like I still like her, but screw her, there's no way I'm going through that crap again. Bit of pride... bit of resentment... Not a healthy cocktail.

I've been there before. There were girls that I liked A LOT and, they didn't know what they wanted and screwed up only to come back later

[aMuse]

trying to get with me. None of them apologized for what they did, they never really made it right, and after a certain amount of time, it can't be made right.

[aMuse]

There's a shelf life on fixing messed up relationships. After a certain period of time, emotions fade, and it feels like she never cared, and then she's cut off. I'll never give her another chance.

[Asker]

Lol wow. That's sad. I have no idea if that is the case... Is there any way I'd be able to tell if that was for sure what was going on? I mean, even after he said he was just using me/I said I didn't want to be friends because that's awful... he fought to stay friends with me, said I was the closest person to him etc. Even when I said I liked him he said he didn't like me.

[aMuse]

Seems like that boat has sailed. He's telling you "I'm not interested", "I don't like you", he doesn't want to give it another try even though he sees good in you. It is what it is... If you want him in your life as a friend, you have that for now. I would not hold my breath waiting for him to get over that crap. Move on, he likely will in time... Maybe sometime down the road he'll realize he's being suborn, maybe not.

[aMuse]

*stubborn

[Asker]

Wow that is super pathetic lol. Wow this question totally took a turn. I knew there was something odd about all of this and how it happened, I just wasn't sure. I... have no idea what to say haha. How are we supposed to be friends? I told him over and over again I didn't want to be friends and he begged and begged to keep me around. Why would he bother?

[aMuse]

Like I said he can have twisted emotions... He doesn't know what he wants... He wants you but doesn't blahhh. =P

I personally would not get all vindictive over something as minor as what happened with between you two, but he obviously did... The girls held a grudge with kind of did things a lot worse, but I don't care to explain lol. =P From what you said happened at most I might of ignored her for a little bit and then started talking again and maybe give it another try. He tried to hurt you.

[aMuse]

maybe he's not done, and figures he will keep you around to play with your emotions, because he felt you played with his... That might be what it is about..

[Asker]

haha wow. I have no idea how I am supposed to make this right in any way shape or form.

[aMuse]

Move on... Like I said it's not a good situation to be in. I'd just give him space for a while... Maybe that will give him a chance to get passed that. If he comes back and pursues you again, who knows. But if he's telling you he doesn't like you and isn't interested, there's no reason to pursue it yourself.

[Asker]

Lol why shouldn't I pursue it? guys always complain that girls never ask guys out.. why not try...

[aMuse]

I like your spirit... =P I will tell you though, from a guys experience, when things aren't right, and a girl is telling us, I don't like you, I don't want to be with you, and then they ignore us... If we are passed middle school, we know STOP, give her space and go away. hahaha =P If we don't it tends to leads to catastrophic events. But by all means, if you think you got this go for it. =D

[aMuse]

If he wasn't trying to "get even with you" I would say go for it. I would definitely want a girl who messed up to take initiative and come after me. But then I'm not saying I just used used (I have said something like that in the past though and I hate that girl to this day in my darkest thoughts... She deserves it...)

[Asker]

I never did any of that to him. I never said I didn't like him. He never even asked. He tried to kiss me, after telling me he wanted to hook up... I said I didn't do that with friends. I didn't know he liked me. I wondered, but didn't know and I wasn't just going to hook up with him because I kind of wondered and kind of liked him/didn't want to be hurt. I just had no idea he liked me otherwise I would have kissed him back. The 2 weeks we were together like 2 years ago was the happiest time of my life.

[Asker]

Yeah, in no way did I deserve to be used. He totally liked me, asked to hook up with me? Didn't even ask me out. I don't hook up with friends. I made that very clear to him. Then he tries to kiss me anyway? Totally his fault, not mine. I think he WAS trying to get even with me. I don't know what is going on in his brain. have you ever heard the song someone like you by adele? He said that song always makes him think of me... as a friend? that is totally a love song. you should YouTube it.

[aMuse]

I'm saying when we receive those signs from a girl we know to back off. You are the girl in this and have received those signs from a guy... Just fair warning, it doesn't tend to end well...

[Asker]

Yeah, but better to try than not to know at all, right?

[aMuse]

Yes, that's my motto... All though I've ended up in some f***ed up places because of it. Charging after love can be dangerous sometimes. Wear fireproof underwear. =P

[Asker]

hahaha alright, will do. so how do I make this work? haha. we just started talking again... he's pretty much doing all the question asking which I think is kind of nice. I'm afraid I'll ask something the wrong way haha

[aMuse]

OK I guess we are ignoring everything that was said before, but whatever... Good luck. =D

If you want to show him you are interested, then you need to start initiating convos with him, and trying to get to know him more deeply. You have to ask question of him about him. You have to be willing to share stuff about yourself as well. Those intimate details of each of your lives is what brings two people close together. By starting conversations, you are showing him you are making an effort.

[aMuse]

you are taking an interest in him and his life. Don't play 20 questions and grill him. Just start trying to get to know him more personally rather then taking about superficial things, and then share stuff about yourself that relates.

[Asker]

haha alright, well we were good at that before... why not try it again?

[aMuse]

Got to start somewhere... But you're the one that needs to start it. =P Feel him out, if he's down get him him out with you. =)

[aMuse]

I really don't know how things went down with you, so it's hard to judge what to say or do to make things right. You're really going to have to figure that out on your own... All can really do is suggest that you start talking... You got to show him you are taking an interest in him... Outside of that... It's in your hands.

[Asker]

yikes this is going to be a mess. he just got a job and is moving to another city... I think hope might be diminishing?

[aMuse]

That's your call... =)

[Asker]

hahaha too many decisions.

[aMuse]

Welcome to the world of a man. =P

[Asker]

hahaha wow... I don't even know what to say

[aMuse]

=D

So how far way is he moving?

[Asker]

Another state.. ha ha so like 2.5 hrs by plane.

[aMuse]

You really like him huh? =) I know that feeling. =P

[Asker]

haha of course I do. I probably shouldn't, but I do. how do I know if I'm doing a good job then?