My friends with benefits friend-zoned me, wtf?!

[Anonymous]

So I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. We have a friends with benefits relationship, but its a little more complicated than you would think. He's single,I'm in the process of ending a very controlling, damaging, unhealthy relationship...we're currently taking a break. So you could say that no I'm not single and yes I am cheating because he doesn't know I am, or was, sleeping with someone else. Don't need any judgment calls on that front, I know what I'm doing...Anyway back to the question. So my friends with benefits and I met at a mutual friends party and were immediately attracted to each other, hooked up that night, no sex and then continued seeing each other and eventually progressed to sex. The sex was amazing the connection was most definitely there, things were going great. I even made a point of telling him about my relationship the second time we met up so that there were no secrets. for 3 months we would meet up to chill and have sex then all of a sudden I became super jealous about another girl and we fought about it. I apologized, he forgave me, it was all good. But then he started acting more distant and we would still hang out but we never got intimate for a good 3 weeks. Eventually I asked what was wrong and he told me he was way too uncomfortable with the situation but thought I was an amazing girl and still wanted to be friends, just without the benefits part. So now I feel like I've been used for 3 months, I feel disgusting and confused and would really like to know why he changed his mind so suddenly? We're supposed to meet up again soon and talk things out...I don't want this to end and I don;t think I can be friends with him because all I'm going to think about is what we had and how I still want it. Is there any way to change his mind? Anyway sorry for the long post, any feedback would be great!

[sweetyetspicy]

i hear you and feel so sorry for you that it's not working out as you want... I hear you actually you're like a dear friend of mine...

but I can't help but point out a few points. seriously, listen up I'm not trying to judge you or anything.. belive me. but you know it's so uncool of you to say that you've been used, since you both agreed to have sex, come on.. we're grown ups not underage girls.. how the heck the 'being used' part come from?(actually that kind of attitude might have freaked him out I think..) and also I don't really see what he has done wrong so far if it was clear you two were just friends with benefits. I mean seriously, he's not your boyfriend, and you're acting like as if he is.. but you know.. I completely understand that you're having hard time with your ex. you liked him so sweet and listened to you.. trying to understand what you're going throw.. your bf's hurting you, it's because I see girls who suffer from bad relationship and honestly? if he's no good for you and he's hurting you and if another guy help you get out of that deep hell, go for it(im selfish I know, sorry). but you aren't happy, because you found a wrong guy(not that he's wrong, it's just he is not a guy who can give you what you need and want) that made it clear that it was just sex, and you two are kinda friends(well you claim) which is fine. but you want him to be there for you, and be only with you no other girls. don't you see? why he's leaving you?

how to change his mind.. honestly? after all these? that you freaked him out and you broke the rule of friends with benefits which is called 'feelings' with it's best friend 'jealousy', you were cheating on your boyfriend, and you said all your relationship with other guy? I don't see any possibilities(girls! don't you think it's a little bit unfair that to say I wanna be who I am , asking guys to be some kind of knights? ... )

i hope you find another new sencere sweet boyfriend, I really do. but right now.. I really hate to say it but you and him? I don't think it's gonna happen. I'm so sorry... I think I haven't been any helpful but all mean words.. but I have dear friend who is going throw what you're going through...(at least it seems like to me..). and I really really hope you the best... really... a big hug.. find a guy who can give you want you want.. who can love you.. really..

you be the dreamy girl... not despressed lonely girl... then right guy will come out..!

[toulouse]

A FWB, situation, is precisely about using each other for sex. that's what its supposed to be. few men & few women, do this wel, but it is what you signed up for. so to say you feel used, isn't really news.

you used him for sex, he used you for sex. that's a fwb.

if you wanted something more, you should have ended it -with him- because he did NOT want anything more.

him wanting to be friends means at least, he likes you as a person, unless he's just saying that to be nice. but I disagree with belgie. there's no finesse in getting out of a fwb. you just end it. no one pretends to want to be friends, to be 'nice', unless they are learning disabled-- which for a lot of people, is a strong possibility--because everyone knows when they are being f***ed with. then its just extremely insulting& who the hell would call that nice.

if you do not want to be friends don't be. but uve no claim on him. that's what fwb, is. no claim. no attachment. no obligation.,

you learnt something about yourself. you are unable to 'just have sex'. next time, don't get into a fwb,. let the guy know, its not your style. if he's not into relationships, you guys are not good for each other. its very simple.

[UberTroll]

"I feel like I've been used for 3 months, I feel disgusting and confused"

Sounds like he probably feels the same way: "he told me he was way too uncomfortable with the situation". You act like it's perfectly acceptable to have a boyfriend while maintaining this friends with benefits relationship with him, yet you got all jealous over your friends with benefits with another girl. I think he probably feels dirty and used because he's the guy on the side and he's not comfortable with that.

[UberTroll]

And like the guys said, you started acting like it was a relationship. People don't usually get into a friends with benefits situation if they're looking for a relationship.

[Orion]

You entered willingly into a FWB relationship, it's a bit unfair to try playing the "used" card. It was mutually rewarding for both of you. If there's no exclusivity and you get jealous of some other girl he might feel put off by your behavior and feel that it's time the arrangement came to an end especially if he's feeling bad about being a part of you cheating on your current BF. Even if it's ending, until it's truly over it could be causing him stress to be a part of it, or perhaps someone found his actions hypocritical and that caused him to change his mind about the arrangement.

That he hasn't broken off completely and still wants to be friends doesn't feel good because you've developed a level of comfort and familiarity with him, so getting friend zoned at this point is like a break up but at least not a nasty one since he still wants you as a friend. If he met someone he wants to be exclusive with it might also be a reason to break it off.

[Belgie]

"I became super jealous about another girl "

That's your reason right there.

Guys want FWB for precisely this reason - We don't want drama, or complications, or dealing with your emotional bullsh*t.

Now, you may have apologized, and been forgiven, but never the less, the flag went up - You were not capable of having a FWB relationship with this guy. You were emotionally involved.

From that point on, he only wanted one thing. To extricate himself from this relationship, with minimum amount of grief and pain. And I can see that he thought there was no way he could just *end* it with you. Not after your previous outburst.

This would require some care, and finesse.

So he took things slowly, tried to back out gracefully, said you were a nice girl and all, and wouldn't mind continuing as friends... but he basically wanted out of the FWB situation.

[travytrav]

He wanted a fwb, and you started acting like a girlfriend.

[Belgie]

Very succintly put, sir.