I've liked this guy at my job since last year when I started. A few months working there I never talked to him because I'm shy. After a while he started talking to me and I started talking to him. We really started to become friends this past April when I went to a coworker party. We were alone at the end and hung out for until 4:00am. A few weeks later I ask to hang out with him and we did and hung out until 4:30am. That night I kissed him and he kissed me and if I let it, it would have led to sex but we did not do it. After that we hung out a few more times and had sex. The first time we did it was in June, on my birthday. I actually lost my cherry to him. A bit after I questioned his feelings for me because it felt like I was being used but he assured me he wasn't using me and he enjoyed spending time with me. I also asked why he never initiated plans with me and he apologized and said he was busy and soon after he invited me out to a show. He said he wanted us to mutually enjoy the time we have together. Me being me, I believed him and was fine. I bought two of my friends and he had some friends there and after he invited us over but my friends could not go so I did. I hung out with him and his friends for a bit but then we were alone most of the time. We lay down outside and touched each other, held hands and talked. That night we hung out around 6:30am and didn't have sex. We even walked near a lake and held hands as the sun came up. We still hang out and he pays. The reason I send the text in the first place was when he texted me saying he was glad that he makes me happy and that's what friends are for. Well I did something stupid. I was feeling lonely and sad one night and texted him if we'd ever be more then friends. The strange thing is I don't want to be more then friends, not right now anyway and still feel awful about sending it. He said he liked how things are now. We're just friends who satisfy one anthers needs. That we need someone to embrace now and then. Isn't he technically using me? I wasn't going to respond but did anyway. I told him thank you for being honest, and now I know I'll never have a chance. I even apologized and said I didn't mean to send it because I was still high and feeling lonely. That he could do better than me anyway. I even said I didn’t want to fall for him and be rejected or he starts being with someone else. He replied saying we should go with the flow and enjoy ourselves. I honestly think that's fine for now. He knows I can't stop thinking about him and while having sex I sometimes say I want him that I've always wanted him and he seems gratified. I wish he wouldn't stare at me and didn't accept my shy and awkwardness. It makes it harder for me. Especially since we work together and he always says hi. One of my guy friends say he is afraid to commit. I just think he won't ever want me. My friends who've met him say he likes me but who knows. I feel pathetic. I cried over some guy.
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I'm going to go with the flow and try not to think so much. I don't want to be his girlfriend but maybe eventually but if not, oh well. I just can't help thinking he could be doing what he's doing with me with someone else. And after knowing how I feel I hope he doesn't use it for his own benefit. I guess I can't he'll feeling disappointed because I feel I'm not good enough for him. I even told him that. Anwya, thanks everyone. I need to focus on college anyway. I still hope..but will move on.
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