Attractive but not approachable?

[Anonymous]

Hopefully this doesn't come out the wrong way. I was never one of those popular or attractive girls in high school because I'm quite petite, dressed plainly and didn't make an effort to stand out. Quite honestly, popularity didn't mean anything to me back then, but once I entered college, my views changed.

Life for the popular and attractive always seemed easier, so I decided to change my image. I finally started using make up and kept fit to show a healthier body and image. In a few months time, I started to notice the difference. People began to compliment my looks, and it also brought me more popularity. Many guys tell my friends that I'm attractive, and of course as a girl, these are good things to hear.

But that's where the problem lies. Guys think I'm attractive, but not approachable. I'm not sure why I give off this feeling? I admit I'm a bit shy too, and unless I'm comfortable enough to start up a conversation, I generally wait until the other party does. But I always try to smile and be polite, so what am I doing wrong? I find that most guys would rather initiate a conversation with friends that some have claimed as not so attractive (though I know this topic is very subjective) or the girls that love showing cleavage. Sometimes I try approaching them first to break that barrier, but when they don't respond after a few days, I start to worry that perhaps I was too assertive and desperate to have initiated a conversation. Does anyone have suggestions?

[Anonymous]

When you're very attractive but also shy, guys tend to regard you as aloof and unapproachable. I have always had the same problem. The first guy I ever went to an event with was set up with me by our parents. He was a college SM and I was a HS SR. The night we met, he stared at me with this deer-in-the-headlights look while our mothers talked. I remember feeling self-conscious that he wasn't speaking to me, but then his mom suggested he walk me home (a block or so away from the restaurant where we met). We were both silent on the way and I was nearly on the verge of tears, thinking how awkward this was, but he stopped walking and turned to me. "There's something I don't understand... I mean, most of the time I'm set up with a girl, it's because she's a real dog and just really needs a date for something, you know?" He looked me up and down slowly, apparently confused. "You're... well, you're just... I mean...WOW!" "What?" "Well, you're not a dog at all; you're just seriously gorgeous. You're not a dog at all." (Not the world's best at the compliments, but I give him credit for speaking. He followed with something crass about his physical response, but I won't elaborate here.)

Fast forward, 20+ years (many similar experiences and a whole divorce) later... I'm at a club for my birthday and my friend tries very hard to get guys to approach me. I'm dancing and so is she, but she's a very plain looking girl and guys are approaching her non-stop. She, of course, has a Boyfriend and isn't appreciating the extra male attention with the jealous Boyfriend at her side. A really fit, nice-looking guy approaches her and she spins him around to introduce him to me. He takes a step back and says, "Really?...Really, she's not with one of these guys?" My friend shakes her head and gives the guy s firm shove in my direction. We're introduced and start dancing. He's just hot and we're doing our thing when he nudges me towards the stairs leading to the open air seating area. "So what's the deal, your man's out of town?" "No, I don't have a man." He gives me the same slow look as the teenager did years ago, only now I have enough sense to blush. "Seriously? You?...That can't be right. I mean you're...WOW. I mean you're just...WOW." Of course I didn't believe him. "If I'm so 'WOW,' why'd my friend have to practically twist your arm to come dance with me?" He just kept looking at me up and down. "Honestly? I didn't think you'd be such a nice girl. Girls who look like you are usually major B*s." It's confusing to me, of course, because I've always been the friendly sort, but have always liked to dress sharply, walk with really good posture, and pronounce my words properly, which might give off a different message to the guys. On top of it, I'm dreadfully shy around guys I find attractive, so they tend to think I'm aloof till they get a nudge in the right direction.

There are similar stories, but I won't bore further. The message is the same... Attractiveness is intimidating...

[Prof_Don]

Here's the thing, and funny that I was talking to my sister (who's also a user on this site) about this.

1) Shyness, when someone has a look of a "popular person" = perceived as bitchy

2) Shyness, when someone has a more plain, average look = perceived as shy

---

You USED to be "2" with your previous look, now you are "1".

Example:

At a SuperBowl party I was at two years ago, one of the guys teen daughter (now is my de-facto cousin; long story) was there at the party. She is a stunningly gorgeous girl (face and body-wise), painted finger and toe nails in royal blue, wore eye makeup, wore lip gloss, wore "girlie" clothes, wore "girlie" shoes.

She was there at the party, and there were other teens there, too. She just sat there, didn't say much of anything to anybody. She was playing with her nails, playing with her phone, she would talk to her dad about the game but didn't talk to anyone else.

I had to walk past her, I said "funny that I have no idea what your voice sounds like and I've been here for two hours". She slightly laughed.

As time went on after that party, and I got to know her, I realized that she's JUST LIKE YOU!

She's a "1"; a shy person that doesn't look like a shy person, therefore people think she's not talking to people because she's SMUG, not because she's SHY

She's actually quite the awesome chick, but I will admit that I pre-judged her

----

Ppl probably seem to do the same thing to you, that I did to this girl.

What makes you so shy? If you get male attention, that should BOOST your CONFIDENCE, honey! :)

[coolbreeze]

I think guys don't talk to attractive girl because their intimidated by their beauty and looks. I know it may sound dumb but's it true. I also think a guy thinks attractive girls are already taken. That is how I think sometimes. also it's the fear of getting rejected. I think your doing nothign wrong. Keep things the same. Your smiling and being polite. I think maybe being shy might be hurting yo ualittle. But it's hard being a girl and putting yourself out their. Maybe you can wave at a guy you like or try other settle ways to flirt. You can also introduce yoruself to guy and tell him your name and shake his hand to see if he can continue the conversation.

[Asker]

I was once told that girls who initiate a conversation or introduce themselves always come off as desperate and cheap. To this day, I still worry about it and wonder if it's true?

[coolbreeze]

If a girl approaches me I would think she is being friendly. It depends on what me and the girl is talking about. You shouldn't worry if you introuduce yourself to a guy that he wil lthink your desperate. I wouldn't think that. Not al lguys think like me. Sometimes a girl has to make a first move or drop a hint on a guy.Guys are slow to read if a girl likes them or not.Just be confident. You cute,hot and pretty. If guys are complimenting you then that is a good thing.

[Xoax34]

they don't come off as desperate and cheap if they are genuine like "hi" and "hi I'm ___, nice to meet you" . and if they don't keep going on and on. Get what I mean?

[Xoax34]

No not makeup :( Natural Beauty is so much better ..at least in my opinion

[QTee1]

wow great question I have sort of the same problem!

[Anonymous]

No ones life is easier then the other

[Meteora]

Pics?