GUYS: Is it OK to ignore my boyfriend for awhile to get his attention and finally work on our relationship?

[Anonymous]

So, I love my boyfriend. He loves me. Problem is, EVEN THOUGH he IS a gentleman and a smart guy, he's a typical guy -> he's an idiot. When I've had issues with him not knowing what's expected in a relationship (I'm his first healthy, serious relationship and he never really dated), I've discussed it with him and he (at the time) agreed to try harder. I think I've been unknowingly sabotaging the relationship because after we've talked about this or that, I let him keep doing what he was doing - nothing. He puts no effort into the relationship (conversations, planning hangout activities, decisions). I get blinded by him being so nice, I guess. Some girls would love a guy that they can boss around, but I do NOT want a pushover - I want a partner that I'm equal with. All of this feels like so much pressure on me since I make all the decisions. Also, I'm not sure if it's his shyness or what, but, I think he might be either stupid or ashamed of me - I offered to visit him and help him unpack when he moved back to school, but I got the impression that he didn't want me to see his parents again and just wanted to be alone and have sex. So, I don't know if he's just stupid in the game of love or it's really something else.

So, GUYS: In your eyes, me ignoring his phone calls for a few days could be a positive/negative strategy for him to realize that I'm upset and he needs to make an effort like I do?!? (And, wth, but, why won't he leave a voice mail/text or email to make sure I know he's trying to talk?!?!?!? I mean, come on! My cell phone could be broken for all he knows! Seriously, guys, why are you so dumb!?!?!? and/or mean!?!?!? :(

OR, anyone have suggestions? I'm really sick of being the bigger person, YET AGAIN! But, how damaging do y'all think this might actually be to his investment in the relationship?!?/ :(

[Anonymous]

Guys don't like games. That's in dating.

As far as in actual relationships; that's a deal-breaker.

When he calls and you don't pick up, in a relationship; you, the girl, are shooting yourself in the foot.

Your reputation and credibility is all you have. It's all he has to trust you on; your perceived and established honesty. You can spend years building it, and it only takes one moment to lose it. And once you've lost it, it's gone.

The last thing you want to do, is put yourself in "manipulative, dishonest, game-playing girlfriend" category.

Guys aren't "stupid"; they're just direct & strait-forward. Girls are indirect and round-about.

Example:

Girl: Is it dark outside?

Guy: I don't know, let me go outside and look.

Girl: No! Don't look you idiot!

Guy: Then how do you want me to tell if it's dark outside?

Girl: Do you hear birds?

Guy: WTF?

Girl: If you don't hear birds outside, then it must be dark!

Guy: Yeeeeahhh.. I'm gonna go outside and look.

Girl: Ugh! Why are guys so stupid!

Sure, there are a million indirect and round-about ways to arrive to the same conclusion that needs only one direct and strait-forward way to arrive to; "there's a problem with our relationship that I want to talk about; that problem is (X,Y, and Z ... L, M, N, O, P ... Q, R, S, T, U, V ... W ... )

That way, he'll "KNOW" how you feel, and what the problem is. More importantly, "he'll know, you know, he knows" what the problem is. How could he not? It was clearly communicated directly to him. Unless the real problem is something other than exactly what you talked to him about and directly told him; he KNOWS what the problem in the relationship is.

(That's just step one)

Step two is letting him know that you're not blaming him, but that you're frustrated.

Guys care, and guys love their girlfriend. So if you communicate to him something that's bothering you, he'll do everything he can to make sure you're happy with your relationship. If you don't communicate to him exactly what the real problem that's bothering you is; DIRECTLY; then he'll just assume that (1) you don't even know what is bothering you to begin with, (2) that you're happy.

No guy is going to sit there trying to figure out what is wrong with you!

There's no better person to know what's wrong with you; than YOU! If YOU don't know what the problem is as to how you're feeling, what makes you think HE'LL be able to know what the problem is as to how you're feeling? (that's man-logic; and it's very logical! If YOU can't figure out what you're thinking; then he stands no chance of figuring out what you're thinking.)

So guys are WAITING for YOU to tell him what the problem is.

So rather than planning on not picking up your phone; you should be planning on articulating how you're feeling accurately, clearly, and precisely.

[Asker]

I've already had this and other problem discussions with him. Last time we talked about this I was balling my eyes out while we had a huge fight/heart-to-heart and he even cried! In the end, he said that I was right and he doesn't try and he would in the future. I think that while we're physically together, I get blinded by how excited I am that I'm with him and that he is such a nice guy, and it's not until he's gone that I realize that nothing's really changed. :(

[Opinion Owner]

A huge fight about what? Did you tell him "try more, I just feel like you don't even try!" and left it at that? Do you feel that actually means something? Do you feel that constitutes communicating the problem to him? In his head, the unanswered question(s) are; "try and do what? what does she mean try? what exactly is it that she wants me to do?" and for as long as that's unanswered; you're going to be in the same boat you are now.

[Asker]

I explicitly explained my feelings, related them to what he does or does not do, gave examples about how we can improve the relationship, and he agreed that he was in the wrong. I think it's a matter of since he's never had a "real" girlfriend, he doesn't know and might be scared/unsure of what to do - hence why he hasn't done any improvements. I hate that I'm the one that is always the bigger person - always speaks first, tries to fix things first; it's like he avoids responsibility with me.

[Opinion Owner]

If he's "unsure/afraid" of "what to do", that's as much the fault of poor communication, as it is for lack of experience in relationships. It's very unfair to put the burden on him to "improve his past experience" and know what to do. Your communication however, unlike his past, can change and improve. It's more realistic to work on communication and clarity to achieve understanding; than simply waiting on him to "get it."

[Anonymous]

You just described me to an absolute T (I had this exact same discussion with my last girlfriend. So, here is what he is thinking. He flat out doesn't care what the two of you do, just as long as you are there and have a good time. He's just as happy sitting on the couch watching TV with you as he is at the movie theater, at a restaurant, at a club, etc. Heck, he'd probably be willing to going shoe shopping with you at least once.

As a result of his desire to see you enjoy yourself, he lets you decide what you want to do. He really doesn't need, or want, elaborately planned "hangout activities" so he doesn't plan them. If that makes him a "pushover" then so be it. So, either accept the fact that making dinner plans isn't going kill you or don't, and get rid of him because he isn't going change his personality!

If you are mad/upset you flat out need to tell him, because ignoring his phone calls will do absolutely nothing. In him mind, he called, and therefore gets credit for making an attempt to converse with you. Instead tell him how excited or happy you get when you see that you have a text, voicemail, email, call from him. He'll probably do it more often.

He isn't going to "leave a voicemail/text or email to make sure I know he's trying to talk" because he isn't a chick. so stop expecting him to act like one.

[Asker]

I understand what you're saying that it isn't a big deal to him if I make choices for us. However, making ALL of the decisions makes me feel like I'm a bitch/control-freak/his mother. I don't want all the control - I want to have an equal partner because it's too much pressure/stress of thinking of ideas. How bad is this -> he's never taken me on a real "date" & we've been together over a year! When I ask him to plan, he says it's too much work. Well then, aren't I being overworked!?!?! Ahh! :(

[Asker]

I mean, is it too much to ask to have let him be "in control" of a situation so I can feel like "the girl" for awhile? So I can have the superficial feeling that I am "being taken care of" by my guy!?!?

[Asker]

Also, we have a long running back-and-forth e-mail that we've had since our beginning. He's neglected sending me any info, funny/weird links, etc for over a month (since I gave him a great blowjob, actually). WHY/HOW could a guy not try to use another form of communication to contact someone? Seriously, what if my phone WAS dead/lost or "I" was lost or kidnapped!?! I think he's just being stubborn like me but he doesn't want to actually talk - he's called dozens of times, but no official contact

[Opinion Owner]

Well, if he is saying that planning is too much work, then he is pretty much saying your not worth the time to him. There's a difference between being willing to do anything with you, and saying planning to just too much work. I say you need to disregard what I said previously and kick him to curb. There are plenty of guys out there that will know you are worth the putting the work to plan a date.

[IMNikki]

A lot of times with men it's about how you ask him and not what you're asking for. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy if whenever you ask him to go anywhere with you he will do it. But it's not fair you always make the plans. It probably makes you feel like your boyfriend doesn't care about you and neglected. The thing with men is they hate being blamed. I know that as women our first instinct is to pull away and make him "chase us". But that doesn't really work. Your boyfriend will see that as punishment without seeing a reason why. So appreciate him for going places with you when you plan things. And when you ask him do so in a way that doesn't make him think he didn't measure up. So just ask and don't blame and you should be good to go. Just say "I feel like going on a date with you. We always have such a fun time. This time can you plan it? It would mean so much to me. I love being with you." If you ask things in a way that's appreciative, not blaming, and feeling

[Marine88]

Hi I have a guy that is like yours too. I am dating him for 6 years and we went through a lots of things.
He can be sweet and nice. He will just do whatever I suggest which annoy me too. But the thing is he is very hopeless in understanding how I feel.
I have got into argument with him before.
1) Why he should not go to a cinema with a girl who I know in the past and I do not like that girl.
2) He keeps saying that I like a particular thing when I told I do not like it
3) Whenever we are in a fight, I always contact him first and ask what is wrong and how we can improve. I told him that if I am upset, he has to call me and check me out when I told him I am angry. But he just avoid me and refuse to contact me, which make me more mad. Later on, I will call him and ask why he did not call and resolve this problem. He will just say sorry but his action and behavior does not seem like he is sorry for it. He is just doing lip services.
4) I call him to come to my house and talk it out face to face as he always remain silent on the phone when I try to find out what is going wrong. When I was so tired and started crying and asking what does he want out of this relationship, he just sigh. He say I always have to be right. He did not even bother to comfort me or hug me.
5) Currently I got into a fight with him because he went and do something to annoy me. He was organising a BBQ gathering and told me he is only inviting people who are close to us. A few days later, he told me he invite a girl in a club which he knows I do not get along. I told him seriously, why did you invite her.
He reply with a "orh sorry". Later on he still go on and chat with me like nothing has happen. I told him that I am very upset with him as he invite her. Later on, he just disappear from the chat box. The next day, he ask "still upset?" Of course I am upset as I told you that I am already upset and you just go missing.
Could you tell me what happen between you and your guy?

[PersonalPaige]

I know that you asked for a guys perspective but I'm gonna say what I think you should do. To be honest that would hurt a lot not having your own girlfriend/boyfriend call you, your leaving him in the dark .. he proabably doesn't even know why your not talking to him. I think you should confront him about his problems and see if he'd be willing to work it out, you have to give him a chance. If he goes back to his old ways then you have every right to say adios!

[Anonymous]

I'm a girl, and I'm in a situation where my boyfriend is not listening to me, he keeps arguing with the ideas I put forward to him, and he's not listening to me, so what I'm going to do is ignore him for now, until he realizes I don't want what he wants, I think you ignoring him would be best for both of you xx :)

[martyfellow]

Yes, best thing fr him is for you to put the ball in his court. Keep it there and tell him he has to start making decisions. Don't go back to making them for him!

[Anonymous]

i have the exact same problem. :/ I hope we get some good answers!