My insecurities make me unable to flirt or get to know someone I like, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

This is a personal issue but I don't know how to manage it. I'm a pretty extrovert and social person with most of the people around, except with the people that i feel attracted to. The other day I was at a party and a girl come to me and we made out. It was the first time I did something like that (I'm 21) and I spent a great time but the rest of the days I was uncapable to talk to her or ask her to hang out again, even tho she gave me the security that she likes me back.
This make me realize that since my last break up (4 years ago) I have a lot of insecurities that make me be more shy and unable to talk or take the initiative with people I'm attracted to. Before the relationship I mentioned, I wasn't the most flirty people of the world, but i was capable of at least talk to the people that i like (even tho i wasn't able to make the first move, but i was bravier).
So I'm really frustrated with this problem because I don't know how to fix it, because I want to be able at least to talk to the people without overthinking, like i did before. I'm not looking for a relationship per se, i just want to be able to flirt like i used to.
Has anyone know any tips?

Ps: i don't know what causes my insecurities because I really like who I am and I am not scared of rejection either.

Updates

1 y

Ps1: I'm bi, but I'm for sure more attracted to women (like 95% girls 5% boys) so this problem it's worse with girls

[Ευδεμονια]

I honestly think first of all therapy should be the way, since issues like that can’t be solved here in GaG.
I can only suggest you to examination yourself and discover the origin of your fears. I’ll post some questions you should try to answer by yourself to know yourself better. How do you feel when you try talking and flirting? You say you aren’t able but… what happens in your head? What thoughts do you have?
You said it’s probably fault of your last relationship, but does it make feel you drained? Or demotivated? Or only insecure? About what?


Plus, your insecurities are due to your physical appearance, your personality or your way to approach? Do you feel changed from your last breakup? How? Is this change the cause of your insecurities?


I know mine isn’t a proper answer but here I tried to put a seed so you can see what grows.

[Asker]

Like I said to other answer, I know that therapy would be the best option, because I'm a psychologist myself, but i can't afford one at the moment. Although, thanks for your questions because it help a lot!

[Ευδεμονια]

I hope so, sure a period of self reflection can help! Have good time, I hope you’ll succeed in solve your issues.

[Robert159]

It's a big problem I'm the same way I can't say what's on my mind if I find a woman attractive so I have probably lost out on many potential relationships however as a ice breaker haha funny things you could try the next time you go to a party is a name tag that say my name is and put shy on it see how that works sometimes laughter is the best way to start then you might be able to open up and talk

[Asker]

That's a great idea! But I don't think that would make me feel more comfortable to talk to the people I find atractive :(

[Robert159]

I always do something funny where they will start to talk to me then I'm able to warm up and start to talk a bit easier

[Anonymous]

I can't flirt either, so I just put myself out there psychically and girls usually weaken.

[Asker]

That's the thing, I didn't get any people flirting with me either. My best friend says that it's because I proyect respect, so people is scared to talk to me. But that frustrated me because I think that not been able to talk if the other person isn't able too it's like I'm loosing opportunities because of me.

[joeldalton]

You have to just start talking to strangers. Make it a goal to say 'hey' and smile to 8 strangers a day. Do this for a few weeks, until you're comfortable. Then keep doing that, but one person give a compliment to. "That outfit looks good on you!", "your hair looks pretty". Do that for a few weeks. Then you'll find it's easier to talk to people.

[Asker]

That's the thing, I can talk with a random stranger, because I'm a very extrovert person and I'm the first who can talk with a lot of groups of strangers. The problem comes when there's a person I like in that group, that's when i paralize

[Guy13]

You think a counselor can help you with this phobia?

[Asker]

Maybe it would help, but I can't afford it rn. I'm a psychologist and I've talked to my friends from college and they help me with this problem, but I'm for sure be improving if i would go to therapy

[Guy13]

I bet you feel really trapped. I’m at a loss. It’s not light you can “plow thorough to”.

[Asker]

I know, and that's one of the reasons why I'm looking for the more help that I can get

[Guy13]

Do doctors have pills for this kind of thing?

[Asker]

I think that you have to start therapy to that kind of stuff, because it's not like they have a pill for everything so it maybe be some anxiety medication

[In_Trance]

Practice.
If you really want to you'll get better with practice

[Asker]

I've tried but I can't, when some of my friends told me to do something like talk to people i like at a party, It feels like i can't move and i can't do it. I know I'm not bad at flirting because with my friends or people i don't like I'm pretty good at it. But even tho my friends offers me to talk to the person for me it paralyzes me and i don't want them to do it

[Avicenna]

Be yourself, do what's comfortable for you

[Brad951]

I’m sorry keep trying