Insecurities after finally getting to be with a crush as a girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I don't really know how to deal with it since it's all new territory for me tbh. I'm a virgin still in my mid-20s and have never really had a real relationship before so I just don't know exactly how to deal with everything but want to for her.
I had a crush on her for like years. 4 years since we first met but she was taken. I spent a long time trying to find someone else and hearing how we'd never end up together and genuinely knowing it even though my fantasies kept up and I had to listen to her talk about how great the sex is while I just wondered what sex is even like and if it'd ever be like that if we got together.
Long story short, yeah, we got together very recently. And I just have those moments in my head. When we get close and touch each other and I just can't help but think how I was the guy on the sidelines for her the whole time thinking of her and she was with him fucking him and telling me about it, I mean, as friends do, I know it's not her fault it's entirely my thing but it still just sticks with me. Like I just don't know how I don't feel like I'm always number two or five or ten.
She's older and has had a few partners before me and that bothers me a bit, don't crucify me for it, but it's just all the times I had to listen to her sex stories with him when I was pining for her that really get to me. It really sucks too because now that I'm privy to things I get to hear how I was actually one of the only legitimate sources of support for her as that relationship was falling apart during that time after years together and how she really did like me and wanted me and she really works to make me feel wanted knowing my self-esteem issues. I only just recently started getting success in my career too so I guess it's just hard to trust this is real. What do I do?

[SteveSmith1985]

You are getting-in-your-own head, and fucking with yourself in a way that's sure to sabotage your relationship. I think you're aware of that. But, really, you NEED to change how you look at this, or you're new relationship is 100% doomed to fail (which would be a shame if you've liked this girl for years).

So, I don't think you're crazy for wishing that she didn't have any previous partners, and that you keep replaying various things she's said in the past about her sex life with someone else. That's actually quite normal, and is something pretty much every guy has to deal with to some extent. It's a matter of CHOOSING how you look at the situation.

She picked YOU! She has said "of all the guys out there it's YOU she wants to be with and YOU she wants to have sex with".

Any guy will get all fucked-up if he focuses on his girlfriend's past sexual experiences with other people. It doesn't matter if you're a virgin or not; and it doesn't matter if you're 16 or 40 years old. Thinking/focusing on that will fuck with any guy. It will fuck with him to the point that his relationship is doomed.

But you can choose how you see this situation. You're hung-up on sex she's had in the past. But it's YOU she's chosen AFTER anyone she was with in the past. You ARE "number one" for her. That's how she sees you. That's why she chose you. So YOU are the ONLY one who is thinking about her past. I guarantee you that she isn't. She wants to make new memories with you. If she wanted the other guy... she'd be sleeping with him still.

I think maybe a part of this is you having maybe had unrealistic expectations. I mean... you hear about
her sex-life while she's with that other guy... BUT YOU STILL LIKED HER... so I guess what I'm getting at is:

You like this girl despite the fact that she's not the idealized virgin you'd prefer. So I don't quite understand how you can still like this girl... GET the girl... but THEN all of a sudden have a problem with her having a past. You knew of her past, and still hoped to be with her... now you got your wish. But... if you expect her to be someone she isn't (someone with no history), then you were kinda fucked from the begining.

You somehow need to come to accept the fact that she has a past. Then you need to put all that shit in YOUR past, and move forward. This is something you somehow need to come to see differently. I DO generally understand where you're coming from. At the same time, you will never be able to have a successful relationship if you don't work this out in your own head. She wants YOU, not someone she's been with previously. You have to start from that premise, and build some memories together. I think this will improve for you over time naturally as you two develop your own history. But... that'll never happen if you keep psyching yourself out. This is a 'self-sabotaging' line of thinking. Good luck 🙂

[OldWorldOrder]

You know deep down that your relationship with her is wrong. It is more her fault than yours, as she is the one who has been irresponsible and inappropriate. This is not something that is ever going to go away, and is going to make everything awkward for both of you moving forward.

This is why you never, ever, EVER be "friends" with a woman or date one that you are/were friends with, bro. Sorry. That's just how it's got to be. Women like that are not right upstairs.

As for, what do you do about it? I dunno, that depends on who you are and what you want in life. My recommendation is that you end this wacky, sinful, dysfunctional relationship sooner rather than later. Lie if you have to. She is likely just using you in a perverse manner. It's her fault, not yours, and you need to remember that.