My boyfriend is buying another girl he works with morning drinks and snacks?

[Anonymous]

Let me start off by saying in the past he’s been way to friendly with other females and searched for attention from them. We corrected that. Recently, he has a girl dispatcher in a technician shop who he “kisses” ass for so she favors him on dispatching work.. But texting “Stopping at the gas station do you want anything” to it becoming her asking him for a red bull or snack from the gas station.. Been going on for two months and i’m just now finding out about it. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Not to mention he added her on snapchat to send her pictures and videos of “Our dog” but.. Hard to say what’s actually being talked about. Also, they ask each other “Are you okay? Something seems off”… I don’t know how to feel with all of this.. Help

[rosemilk]

this is weird. does he ever get you drinks and snacks? or asks you if you want something at the store? etc? i read your comment below saying you've been together for 4 years. which is a long time. what he is doing is disrespectful, especially since you've talked to him about it and how it makes you feel, yet he still does it.

since he's always been friendly to other females and always looking for attention from them (which in my opinion is a red flag for anyone), this is how he is.

regardless, i think this has gone too far. you might have to end it. he is pushing your boundaries, disrespecting you, treating another girl, etc.

[Asker]

He does ask me and has gotten me drinks and snacks. I feel as if i do more for him. I stop almost every morning at a coffee place and get a donut for him without even asking him or him asking me.. Which is a generous thing to do in a relationship.. This situation i found today by going on his apple watch.. So it’s fairly fresh..

[Anonymous]

“We corrected that”, he’s a man not a dog. The traits he’s grown up with his whole life aren’t going to just disappear because he got a girlfriend. He’s showing you right now that nothing has changed he’s still being “too friendly” and can only hope he isn’t doing more behind your back. Trusting him is one thing but being willfully oblivious is another.

[Asker]

We’ve been together 4 years and this has never been done or been an issue…

[Opinion Owner]

To your knowledge. You’re just barely finding this out lord knows when it started or how many other ways he’s been “too friendly” to women.

[Asker]

Correct… and he knows i’ve gone through his things and found them. He then wants to know and be present when i go through his phone or apple watch so he can “defend” himself or explain the situation. I’m unsure what else there is..

[Opinion Owner]

He means justify the fact that he has been snap chatting, doing favors for and entertaining other women after making you believe that was over and done. Here’s the thing — he is not going to stop. Not out of spite to you but simply because he doesn’t see a problem. He wants to be there to “defend” himself because again, he does not believe he’s doing wrong. That is a core trait of his that he’s grown with his whole life, it’s not going to change in a year, two years or even four. Not until he sees the error of his ways and he’s too self-centered to acknowledge even that. You can’t build a future with a person like this, someone you have to worry about what they’re doing when you can’t see it. Too deceitful. Not to mention if you married one day and he became a dad, is this the man your want your son to be? Most likely not.

[Asker]

I’ve tried so hard to explain to him my feelings and my opinion on this the first time. When it was just snapchat.. This chick apparently has a boyfriend too but obviously doesn’t respect either relationship going on..

[Opinion Owner]

I assume that this Snapchat conversation was towards the beginning of your relationship and you’ve moved off that platform since then, years ago. My point is that if it’s been a while and that was something he was “correcting” before you became official then he may have been saying whatever he thought would calm you down or erase the topic. To me that’s very fake on his end, but men act selfishly all the time.

[Asker]

No, this snapchat with the same female im speaking of was probably last month. It was fairly recent..

[Opinion Owner]

To your knowledge, again. This man wants to stand over your shoulder while you look at only the information he allows you access to and even then he has plenty of time to alter it. Delete comments, conversations, unfortunately snapchat doesn’t leave a good paper trail.

[Opinion Owner]

Also to be clear, this isn’t me trying to point the finger and cast all this blame but it’s just an unbiased view since I’m outside of the situation and don’t have the emotions tied. It also comes from experience having had a man do shady things through Snapchat.

[Asker]

Unfortunately correct, I found the snapchat when he opened the app.. I said “oh you added her” and he said “i mean i’ll delete her if its a problem but i added her because we were talking about the dog and she wanted to see more videos of him” I said “oh just don’t be talking about non work related things.. The dog is fine.. But also snapchat your other friends (males) like you do her then” I didn’t want him to delete it because for one. I wanted to monitor it and for two i don’t want to be controlling.. But i want to set my boundaries..

[Opinion Owner]

This is just some food for thought, but isn’t even the idea of monitoring him like exhausting and irritating? You set your boundaries years ago, it was for him to either respect them of leave you alone if he wanted to continue doing his thing being “overly nice” with women, right

He isn’t slow, he knows what he’s doing is wrong, that’s why he’s kept it all a secret. Like you wouldn’t even have known unless you didn’t happen upon it. Now this isn’t me saying he’s a bad guy or bad person, I’m sure he has his redeeming qualities and that’s why your with him. Still, trust and respect is fundamental in relationships and no matter how sweet his words are or how innocent and oblivious he acts, at the end of the day he’s a grown man who knows better. As a woman, you should not have to (or even want to) monitor or correct your man, he should already be equipped to be the man you need him to be. This should’ve never happened again after you’ve previously expressed how you feel about it, and the fact that it not only happened but secretly is just a slap in the face.

I’m not saying at all that this is a cause to break up, but it does call for a serious conversation with yourself about what you will accept and what you won’t. Now that you have seen this, there’s no “if” it’ll happen again, but “when”. That’s who he is, and you need to decide if you can live like that.

[Zenpanda]

Talk to him about it.
Don't forget, men and women can be just friends.

[Asker]

Isn’t there a line where things go to far tho?

[Zenpanda]

The line to me would be sexting, nudes, kissing and intimate physical contact.
Talking, laughing and getting snacks and drinks is something I do with friends.
We even hug, cuddle and compliment on looks (not intimately, more like "damn you're looking good today").
And quite a few of them have partners.

[Asker]

So in a previous situation, would him asking to meet up with a chick and have a “doggy play date” be drawing the line? And stating that the “relationship is over” when it wasn’t over. We were arguing.. We never ended things.. And then face-timing her.. behind my back.

[Zenpanda]

Doggy play date, nothing wrong as you do have a dog.
Face timing her behind your back is fine, except if he lies about it.
Stating that the relationship is over when it's not, is a red flag depending on the context.
If he was ranting and worried that it might be, than it's just ranting.
Saying it with the intent of letting someone know they're back on the market, huge red flag.

[Asker]

His intent was “to get attention from her because i knew she was easy” his words..

[Zenpanda]

Red flag on that, I'd leave for that

[Asker]

And here i am, 1-2 years later still with him.. I forgave him.. And somehow i continue to forgive him because I love him and want him to change on his own and see it through my eyes.. I want a future with him.. It’s so hard.. I fight for what i love..

[Zenpanda]

If a man hasn't changed in all that time, he won't. Love may make you blind, but watch your step traffic is a thing.

[Avicenna]

You need to talk to him about it

[Asker]

I have.. and this chick is within our age range.. We used to have an older dispatcher and he never acted this way with her..

[Avicenna]

Have you told him that's unacceptable behavior?

[Asker]

Yes, he just wants to argue it.

[Avicenna]

Are you willing to dump him over it (I wouldn't blame you if you did)?

[Asker]

I’ve honestly began packing my things and he doesn’t seem to care over it. When it came to me asking what he would do to fix this he said he would stop texting about non work related things and remove her on snapchat.. But i didn’t know i had to spell this out for him.. And how do i trust him?

[Asker]

Not to mention, i had stated i’ll start buying guys who i work with on the daily drinks or asking if they want a snack from the gas station and texting them asking if they’re okay. And he pretty much stated to me he’d leave me over it.. So why don’t i feel the same?

[Avicenna]

You can't be with someone you don't trust

[avery58]

These are the types of things that may seem harmless to some people but that could lead to other types of behavior later on. I would never be okay with a boyfriend buying some other girl things, even if just snacks (buying a snack once is okay but making a habit of it for months?). I think it's a little weird.

[Asker]

This is my worry and my point of asking… I don’t want things to go further. When i had found out he added her on snapchat i just asked that they spoke about work related things and he offered to upright remove her.. But i wanted him to have that chance and opportunity and now buying things… Its gone to far..

[avery58]

Yeah, it's definitely weird. I mean, ask him what he would think if a male coworker were to tell him that he was heading to the gas station and if he wanted anything, every day. If he doesn't reflect even with that example (thinks it would look kind of gay on the coworker's part) then he's clearly just being stubborn and isn't taking your feelings into consideration, it's not worth much of a try with someone that is unwilling to communicate.

[avery58]

Buying each other things is something couples routinely do for each other. Why would anyone constantly spend on a coworker who he says isn't even his friend?

And you have to be careful because just because they're not texting doesn't mean they don't talk and hang out at work. At my old job, there were lots of rumors of people that were even cheating on the clock unfortunately

[avery58]

I mean they were even having sex at work

[avery58]

NOT saying this is the case here. Just letting you know that you have to be careful

[Joshua987]

He is polygamous

[Anonymous]

You need to break up