He cuddles and spoons with me, but isn't looking for a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of confused. I'm okay with not getting into a relationship, but I would like someone to tell me through experience what this guy thinks of me.

He's very respectful of me, and we get along well. We can get pretty touchy in a non-sexual way though, as in we cuddle and lot and stuff. I actually asked him to be my date to senior prom + afterprom clubbing. When we got to my place late that night, we cuddled more and spoon-napped.

He's been telling me about his fear of relationships and commitment since we became decently close friends, so I trust that this fear is genuine, but I don't really understand.

If he initiates getting that close to me, I'm sure there's some sort of attraction... right? What kind of relationship is this, and is it bad? Somebody please explain.

[MrOracle]

The reason you're confused is because you aren't listening to what he's telling you. Let me repeat it for you: HE ISN'T LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. That's all you really need to understand.

For a guy, that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy having close friends, or cuddling and other inimate things, and it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't want sex (though I realize you've not gotten that far). Guys can want and get all of those things without wanting a relationship. Relationships come with all kinds of additional responsibilities and commitments and he simply isn't interested in those right now. He's happy to have you as a friend and cuddle buddy, and I'm sure he's be happy to be in a FWB relationship with you too, but he doesn't want a girlfriend, and he's told you that clearly, so LISTEN to what he's told you and understand that cuddling does NOT equal a desire for a relationship. Attraction does not equal desire for a relationship (for a guy, anyway).

When a man falls in love, he mostly does it almost immediately upon meeting a girl, and if he has those feelings for her, he'll almost always have had them virtually from Day one of meeting her, and he'll be the one trying to establish a real relationship with her, because that's what he wants. If he isn't doing that, and isn't constantly moving things in that direction whenever he has an oppertunity, it's because that's NOT what he wants, and nothing you can do is going to change that.

Remember: most men have the ability to seperate love from sex/attraction, and they can have and enjoy attraction and sex without ever feeling love. For most women, those things are so connected as to be the same thing. But you MUST learn to understand that men and women are VERY different in this area, and interpret their actions accordingly. If you apply how WOMEN operate to men, you will fail every time; you must use MAN rules to figure out men, just as we must use WOMEN rules to figure you out.

[collegegirl13]

Seems to be spot on, there are exceptions to this though, but its definitly something I have learned the hard way. If women don't realize men think and feel differently than women we just set ourselves up for getting hurt!

[toulouse]

theres no biological basis for any of that, its cultural.

no such thing as 'man advancing or there's nothing'. its not war. establishing an acquaintance, which requires mutual effort.

anyways, with this guy,m he seems content to have you as a friend he can cuddle with. a lot of people feel this, when they are sorting themselves out.

applies to women too. there's no sex-based,segregation here. there is with gender, however not everyone adheres to preconceived notions of who they are supposed to be.

[MrOracle]

What I'm saying is that women rarely cuddle and get intimate (not sex, just intimate contact) with guys they aren't emotionally connected to, so they assume that men MUST work the same, but they don't. That false assumtion leads to lots of problems.

[yptan37]

Sounds like he's either a very decent guy or an ass. He's already told you that he fears relationships but is still advancing the current friendship. He's either very nice and told you in advance so you can give him time to work on it, or he's just using you for physical comfort and primed you in advance just in case he disappears he has a disclaimer. Either way, ask him.

[bel42]

If you're developing feelings for him ,then you should just stop cuddling and spooning with him. You will just end up getting hurt in the end. He's not looking for a relationship so you shouldn't be expecting more.