I wouldn't have hurt someone so bad today if I didn't act so selfishly

[fearful]

Today I hurt someone very bad. I can try convincing myself that it was all because my phone went off that this all happened and say that its been such a bad week that I don't know what is happening with my life. But when I stop looking at this through all my self pity that I'm used to see things through, I realize I could have stopped this from happening but I just didn't care enough about the person I hurt to act enough.

I hate myself for doing this, but underneath it I can still hear myself just feeling sorry for myself not for the other person. I'm not sure how to stop the self pity because in my head and thoughts its so loud, but I'm beginning to realize, I think, which is selfish self pity and which is the truth. I honestly hope that's what it is. I certainly feel some empathy for the pain I caused to this person, but I'm not sure if I feel it enough. I want to though. And its tougher for me to type the truth than I thought it would be. I guess that means that I honestly feel bad about it right? Unfortunately that's not something I can answer myself yet :(

Guess what, I wrote the last para just a few hours ago and I didn't continue because I was feeling sad (Typing this makes me realize I actually fear admitting that I am sad, I think it's a sign of weakness), and now in my head I've actually started rationalizing what happened and have started to make up excuses for myself. Before I forget how wrong I've been to this person today, I need to write it all down. So here goes.

I've not been having the best week of my life. The main thing that led me to have a bad week was something that somebody did to me that I have absolutely no control of, so that's a different story. Anyway there's this guy I met online. He's shy but funny, and the only guy I've spoken to online that I've met face-to-face. Anyway today we had sort of a date arranged. I was very excited about it and as another quality that I think is a sign of weakness and I hate to admit, I get waaaay too excited sometimes. I think that's kidish and always try to hide my excitement under the rug. Anyway point being I was genuinely excited and looking forward to meet this guy today. Last time I met him was almost a month ago because we both had been busy since and we won't be able to meet for a month more because of religious reasons that concern just him (we don't share religious beliefs).

I have this utterly irrational fear of being stood up not just by a date but even by my good friends who I've known for years. Every time I go to meet them if I don't meet them at their house and then go with them, I'm afraid they won't show up even though I know that my best friends would never just tell me to come and not show up. Today because of this irrational fear and carelessness on my part I did exactly that to this guy.

First of all I made a mistake by arranging to meet up early, as I live a bit far from where we had to meet up and which meant I had to get up early. But this is my fault because I agreed to meet up at such an early time, which I could have easily said no to. The next mistake I made was to get late while getting ready. Of course I'm a girl and I take time getting ready, no crime in that, but that doesn't mean I should be late. By being late when I know someone is waiting for me I just don't respect them as people and take them for granted. I usually rationalize this by complaining that one side of my family gets late and I've inherited getting late, but that is utter nonsense. I even have a good example of a man who is always ready on time and honors the commitment he makes to be at a place at the specified time. This man is my dad, so surely I inherited or can at least learn this from him, but no, I stubbornly blame everyone else because I can't get ready on time.

Next what happened was that while I was travelling to the place to meet this guy, which was actually a cinema, my phone just shut down. It's never happened before and oh the strong feeling I have to blame my phone for shutting down and spoiling my whole day! But really what was my phone supposed to do, it can't even think for itself, I am the one with a (sometimes unused) brain not it. When the phone shut down and I couldn't contact him, I panicked. I did think about going to the cinema and seeing if he was around even without being able to contact him, but then I thought about what if he wasn't there, what if he realized my mobile was off and just went home. Instead of thinking about him and honoring my commitment to meet him there and trusting that he would be there, I panicked, got scared and came home. Stupid girl.

I came home and manged to get my phone working and texted him. It was almost time for the movie to start and he said he had already bought tickets and was waiting for me. That's when it hit me that while panicking I hadn't thought about him at all. I had selfishly thought just about myself. I didn't think about the position that I left him in, until he said I could have just come there.

That's when it hit me that I would have met him and not hurt him so bad if I had only been a little less selfish. I should have been on time, I should have continued even when my phone went dead, I should have gone there and tried to find him or just at least waited for him until he came out wondering why I wasn't there yet. Instead I just thought about how bad I might feel IF he wasn't there and messed it all up.

I sent him quite a few messages saying how sorry I am, but that would never be enough. I've even tried to make it worse talking about how bad I felt, how I should have done things differently but that's all just for me to feel better. I can't take back the hurt and embarrassment I caused him.

[Unit1]

Phones and Social Media these days + Life lessons.

[Not_Helping]

Life experience

[cl_517]

Great myTake :)