In the mind of a mixed mental disorder

[Mustachekitteh]

I do know some people do not believe in what I'm about to talk about. I honestly don't care that they don't believe in it. All I care about get getting what it's like for me out. Then for anyone else who might be going through the same thing.

Anyways about like 3 weeks ago I was told by my psychologist that I have a mixture of ADHD/Autism. I've been seeing this psychologist for about 2-3yrs now. Yes I suck at fully opening up and telling him my whole issues. Mainly due to the fact that I hate crying infront of people. Even if he's there to help me I still hate that. Makes me feel weak and pathetic.

Anyways. I've stuggled with adhd since I was like 5 years old. Having teachers yell at me for not sitting still. Doing things my own way. Randomly trying something in the middle of class. Stuff like that which In elementry school I was put in special ED class. Then in 3rd grade I came close to failing it. So they put me on adhd medication and I was going to this tutor place. It was called Sylvan Learning. Aparently from what my mom tells me that both had worked wonders. So my grades got better and I passed. Still Even when I was in special ED classes I was better than the other kids in there. Yet I struggled keeping up with the normal classes. So for me in school they never had a place for me. So nobody truly ever taught me how to do most things. I do remember somethings in school though majority of what I know was not learned from school. It was from educational computer games, educational tv shows, and documentries. Nobody knew how to deal with me at all.

So majority of the time I just felt like I was some kind of problem adults would just pass me around to figure out where to put me. Same with anyone I tried to be friends with. The second they found someone better than me they would stop talking to me and stay with the one who was better. Which made me feel like I was extremely stupid and broken. Like I couldn't do anything right. I still feel that way to this day. Still I could never figure out what was truly wrong with me.

Though I've always noticed that with the symtoms they didn't name somethings. I've always struggled with. I guess now I have my answer to that. Still I've never been able to know how to react to anything. I know how to react and help in emergency situations. When it comes to emtional reaction to things I don't know how.maybe that's the autistic part of it. My first thought when I was told I had autism as well I was like,"Oh god now people are really going to lable me as stupid or something." "Now others will see me as more of baggage and probably wouldn't want to deal with me more." Just stuff like that popped into my head. I still don't fully understand what all of this means. Which I guess i should stop being a lazy bum and look it up. What it means to ahve both. Though my google fu is shit. :D

As an adult I do feel like a broken failure. I do still live my parents and the only thing you could call a job is helping my dad out on the farm from time to time. Plus any money I make randomly I've saved up. Which I used to suck majorly as saving things. :D I have no idea what to do with my life which majority of the time everything seems hazy. Sometimes things don't feel to real since I'm so lost in my own mind. Yes I do take my adhd meds to help clear the haze. Still doesn't fully fix what my true issues are. I've never had anyone to help me know what to do or how to truly learn things. So I have no idea how to study.I see all these people around my age finishing college, have a job, living their life independently. Some already married with kids. I feel like time has fully stopped for me and I don't know how to move forward. I don't know what I truly want to do or how to make a career out of anything. I failed college even though I listend to the teacher and wrote down everything. In the end it wasn't enough. I didn't know how to help myself do better. Even when the teacher gave me things saying everything you need to know for this one test is on this thing. Which I had looked over it a lot of times trying to remember it all. In the end none of if was on the test and I failed it. Which by that time I felt so stupid and a failure I stopped going to college. Felt like i was to stupid to even do that.

I've never had a single person growing up as a kid/teen tell me. "I know how to help you over come your disorder. I can tell you what you need to do to be able to face adult hood with this. How you can figure out what you want to do. No matter how badly you screw up I won't give up on helping you. I can 100% teach you what you truly need to know to succeed." Never had anyone to ever say that to me. So I just felt like I had to ignore what was wrong with me and just force myself to be normal. That everyone just learned from the teacher and if you didn't study or listen to them then you were just lazy. Which made me feel worse since I didn't know how to study. When I asked for help nobody truly helped me. A regular teacher didn't know how to help. Special ED teacher didn't know how to help. Well when nobody knows how to help what do you do? I still haven't figured that part out. I do feel like time is running out on me to figure it out and get my life going other wise I'm a broken failure as an adult.

For the first time in my life I'm actually trully facing my disorder and working on understanding it all. Why I am the way that I am. Which with the autistic part I can't stand to be touched by people. Can't handle people when they are emotionally unstable. Like if they aren't 100% happy that negativity eats away at me and I don't know what to do to get rid of it. So then it overwhelms me. I can't look people in the eyes it makes me feel extremely awkward where if I don't look at them then I won't know they are looking at me. Which I cant' stand to be stared at as well. It makes me want to scream at them to stop because it's burning a hole through me. If all of those things keep going on for a while. I reach a point where i want to thrash around to make it stop and make those people stop it. Before I thought that was just because I was some horrible cunt. Now I know there is an actual reason for it and that others do have that same problem. Even then saying that to me doesn't matter because I don't know them.I'm still stuck around everyone else being normal but me. People who yell at me when I ask innocent questions because I seriously don't know. That they can't truly understand how I could still be confused about something.

Will I ever find someone to truly help me face and accept my disorder? I have no clue. Again I kind of feel like it's to late in away. Will I ever figure out what I need to know about how to succeed as an adult? No clue but i'm going to be really depressed if I can't, lol.

That's my oppnion about it all so far. I don't blame some of you for not reading it all. I can't even read majority of the takes on here due to how long they are. :D My focus level is shit so it doesn't hurt my feelings if others can't read mine. So it's just here for anyone who might have their own issues dealing with their mental disorders. People who weren't truly helped as a kid to learn how to deal with it so they could face life with it. Still hope y'all enjoyed it. :)

[imnotcrearive]

Honestly you might think the reason you are the way you are is because of what your psychologist diagnosed you with. However, in my opinion it's more than likely based on the way you were brought up. Special Ed classes are designed to help you get through the basics but now integrate you back into society and be at the same level as everyone else. So obviously now that you're out of school you compare yourself with everyone and realize you're behind. That leaves you with a shitty sense of self and low confidence. If I could offer some advice I'd strongly encourage you to find something you like, get a hobby that you've always been interested in and put all your energy into being good at that. Once you get over your public anxiety you'll feel much better about things, including academically. Also I'd suggest seeing a psychiatrist instead. They're actually doctors who deal with brain disorders. Your psychologist assumes a lot of things and you don't want to be basing your life on someone's assumptions. That's all psychology is, it's the study of how certain behaviours lead to others. So it's very inconclusive. However it today's society psychiatry is looked down on as something only for basket cases so people often avoid it and GPs are hesitant to send you to one. So you have to take a the initiative to consult one yourself. If you need any other help or information don't be afraid to message me. Good luck.

[sugar95]

I was really touched by your post. As a part-time teacher and student who's studied some special ed, It makes me angry that you haven't been getting the support you need in terms of schooling. Teachers should be supporting their students with special needs in every way. Your post deserves to be read by the world. Just know that you shouldn't let your disabilities limit your potential. They don't define who you are. Through life, you'll slowly find various ways to control your disorder and help yourself. It would be nice if you could depend on other too, but ultimately your success in life is all up to you. You're the only one who can convince yourself that you're worthy and capable of anything you want to do. Believe in yourself. :)

[Kerbie]

I Have read it and what others have said i agree with them my girl Hannah has severe aniexty if she is out and she gets scared she goes and finds a quiet place to hide and does what your picture of the girl with head between her legs where she thinks no one can/will find her i can usually calm her down after these episodes but Hannah joined a group recently who are helping her and others like her by building confidence and ways to help them when they feel scared and aslo building on their social confidence and all the girls can take a friend or boyfriend with them to the group meetings so they feel even more supported last week all the girls stood infront of a full length mirror and praticed a little talk to their family and the other group members families who are coming to a evening in a few weeks to listen to them Hannah's reads simply " My name is Hannah i suffer from severe aniexty and everytime i get scared I hide and my boyfriend has to come and calm me down he should not have to do it i love him so much for it because he never complains at me or gets fed up by my epsiodes"

Try not to see yourself as a failure or broken you are not you are perfect as you are everyone is special in their own way😊

[JuicyBrain]

I read it all.
I sympathize with you. Are you still able to enjoy a social life?
The way I see it, success to me is happiness. Someone who's filthy rich but hate his life is not successful in my opinion. Someone who crafts leather belts and sell them at the market, have just enough for his basic needs but loves his life is successful to me.

What if you don't need to work in a big company to be happy? Would you know how to manage the family farm? You could takeover once your family retires. You could find something that you are good at and market your talent. Maybe you can bake stuff or make jam or cook something. Maybe you can make jewellery. The simpler it is, the best. Once you feel you know where you are going, you can start a little company, rent a boutique. Grow as fast as you feel comfortable growing.

Anyway, it's just an idea.

[Mustachekitteh]

I try to enjoy a social life when I can. Though most people these days are busy with their own lives and getting started with them.

[SIGguy]

I can relate this. I was 7 when I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. I was 12, I think, when I found out. People called me stupid, lazy, psycho, queer, geek, and every other name in the book. I never did anything to initiate the abuse, but in their minds I did. Not sure how that logic works, not that there is any... People are often out to make me feel like shit because they're lousy spouses, unsatisfactory lovers, mediocre friends, horrible employees, terrible parents, can't keep track of finances to save their lives, or whatever. Nothing I did wrong, especially since others have good things to say about me. That being said, the same applies to you, too. The only name that counts is yours and people let emotions guide them rather than logic, that's they don't make sense... to me, anyway.

[Kerbie]

I can relate to you especially name calling and the like i was never diagnosed with aspergers but i was really close to being diagnosed with cerbal pausy apparently according to my mum when i was little but they did something with me when i was really little and it prevented it from delevoping but there are little symptoms of it but they are wrapped up alongside my dyspraxia which people bullied me for when i was growing up as i needed learning support in all my school lessons and i was seen as different but i was real computer geek i even became a bit of a rebel breaking into the schools computer system but i suppose i was fighting back in my own way

[mrsingle]

I know how you feel, except I have no friends and never was in a relationship. I'm alone in all ways possible.

[Zorax]

Very interesting Take, I like it :D