I'm having one of these days where I'm feeling like a hot mess. I've been in therapy twice in the past three years and its one of the things that makes me feel like a failure. Almost like I'm not normal. One moment I'm happy and suddenly I'm running, hiding, avoiding everyone and everything. Making plans with friends and hoping they'll eventually cancel. Mostly because I want to be alone, 'cause even when I'm with friends I'll feel lonely. The sudden feeling of intense sadness always hits me like a truck. Not only that but at those times I'm convinced I haven't deserved whatever credit has been given to me and that I'm a fraud. Like today I received the news I passed my entrance exam and it basically left me indifferent.
The worst part is I start believing the lies I feed myself everyday. The step to looking for help or talking about it to friends and family is very hard. I don't think you can casually tell them: "you know I actually hate everything about myself, I'm not happy with the things I've achieved and could care less if I died tomorrow". At the same time I fear that sharing my thoughts will drive them away. I wouldn't dare to kill myself because I honestly believe I'd even fail at that and I don't want them to feel sad about/for me. It's like a vicious circle. I love my boyfriend a lot and he knows a big part about it, except for the very dark thoughts. I have yet to tell him everything. When I feel somewhat better I often feel guilty for acting cold towards the people I'm close to, even though I know they try to understand it. This causes me to think I don't even deserve them.
I know they'd want me to feel better by saying things like "but aren't you proud about this or that" or by giving compliments. I honestly don't see the advantage about talking about this all. I feel like saying things like "you should be glad you're alive" aren't always the right words to tell someone. When you're constantly unhappy and wish you didn't wake up every single morning, getting to hear "at least you're alive" is very frustrating.
The sad thing is I got better and better at hiding my emotions and I know exactly how to behave in order not to worry other people. So when I'm telling a person I'm close to I need a break, I'm feeling extremely down. It's like I see an inevitable pointlessness to everything. It is an enormous overwhelming feeling that affects me both physically and mentally. It always hits me when I'm least prepared. Everything turns into ways to hurt myself. I've thought countless times about ways to hurt myself, but until now I've never done it.
For now I'll probably do what I do best: taking a nap.
Thanks for reading.