My mental illness: My friend & enemy

My mental illness: My friend & enemy

I'm having one of these days where I'm feeling like a hot mess. I've been in therapy twice in the past three years and its one of the things that makes me feel like a failure. Almost like I'm not normal. One moment I'm happy and suddenly I'm running, hiding, avoiding everyone and everything. Making plans with friends and hoping they'll eventually cancel. Mostly because I want to be alone, 'cause even when I'm with friends I'll feel lonely. The sudden feeling of intense sadness always hits me like a truck. Not only that but at those times I'm convinced I haven't deserved whatever credit has been given to me and that I'm a fraud. Like today I received the news I passed my entrance exam and it basically left me indifferent.

The worst part is I start believing the lies I feed myself everyday. The step to looking for help or talking about it to friends and family is very hard. I don't think you can casually tell them: "you know I actually hate everything about myself, I'm not happy with the things I've achieved and could care less if I died tomorrow". At the same time I fear that sharing my thoughts will drive them away. I wouldn't dare to kill myself because I honestly believe I'd even fail at that and I don't want them to feel sad about/for me. It's like a vicious circle. I love my boyfriend a lot and he knows a big part about it, except for the very dark thoughts. I have yet to tell him everything. When I feel somewhat better I often feel guilty for acting cold towards the people I'm close to, even though I know they try to understand it. This causes me to think I don't even deserve them.

My mental illness: My friend & enemy

I know they'd want me to feel better by saying things like "but aren't you proud about this or that" or by giving compliments. I honestly don't see the advantage about talking about this all. I feel like saying things like "you should be glad you're alive" aren't always the right words to tell someone. When you're constantly unhappy and wish you didn't wake up every single morning, getting to hear "at least you're alive" is very frustrating.

The sad thing is I got better and better at hiding my emotions and I know exactly how to behave in order not to worry other people. So when I'm telling a person I'm close to I need a break, I'm feeling extremely down. It's like I see an inevitable pointlessness to everything. It is an enormous overwhelming feeling that affects me both physically and mentally. It always hits me when I'm least prepared. Everything turns into ways to hurt myself. I've thought countless times about ways to hurt myself, but until now I've never done it.

For now I'll probably do what I do best: taking a nap.

Thanks for reading.

My mental illness: My friend & enemy
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  • swirlberrypizza
    I know it's hard to absorb, but I think you're a very strong person.
    The way you're feeling is quite similar to how I have been feeling, I have an extremely difficult time talking about my feelings/opening up to anyone even if it's family or a very close friend - I just feel it's a burden and waste of time because no-one truly understands what you're trying to say because not everything you say exactly reflects how one feels. It's just very complex.
    It's good to take breaks, it's good to take the time to be by yourself. I take a lot of breaks and push away from people until I feel "me" again. You should never feel guilty for doing something you feel needs to be done for your own well being, and I learnt that the difficult way - I'm still learning.
    I think it's important to do the things that bring you joy - anything. If you feel like staying in bed all day watching Netflix, do it.
    I feel digital breaks help, taking the time away from social media and being out in nature, breathing fresh air... going on walks, listening to your favourite music. Sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference.
    I haven't been to therapy before but I have heard a lot of positive things about it, hard to believe but it's a weight off the shoulders when you get things off your chest especially to someone who knows how to channel what you're feeling into bettering your mental state of mind, understanding the core reason (s) why we think the way we do, why we feel the way we do... friends/family may not always have the right things to say but those who truly care about you and love you will always want to hear you out and help in any way that they can - even if you feel they don't understand, maybe sometimes just having someone hear you out is something.
    I hope this helped in someway. And I hope you find more of the things that make you smile and happy 🤎
  • DontFvckingAskMe
    You are not are failure for saving your own life.

    I know exactly what I you described but the thing with depression is, even after you get over it, it comes back and again

    The only thing is getting stronger and learning from the past.

    Go to gym, start making something valuable its not that easy staying determined if you don't feel good about yourself, but the thing is to stick with it like you stick with depression.

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