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*PLEASE NOTE: ONE WOMAN DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL WOMEN. THESE ARE MY OPINIONS. I'M AWARE YOU, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, SISTER, COUSIN, WHOMEVER MAY NOT THINK OR DO OR ANSWER THE SAME WAY, K. THANKS
1. Why does it take you so freaking long to get ready?
Showering. Shaving...we are apparently supposed to be hairless cats, so that you know takes time, as does the long hair we are meant to have on our heads which needs washing, moisturizing, drying, and styling. Then there is make-up (you try and get a perfect winged eye in a foggy mirror damn it!). Then there is dressing...we have according to one statistic, 9 billion options to wear. Then there is moisturizing, deodorizing, and scenting the rest of us. No guy wants to roll up with his lady looking like she just stepped out of the dumpster with the flu.
We like to look nice for ourselves AND for you. Also don't tell us about this or that natural celebrity and how we should strive to be like them either, because I guarantee to get her on the cover of the magazine we see you eyeing, there were 45 people involved in making her look natural for 4 hours before those photos were taken, and we're just one, so we love you, but you're going to have to wait. Use the time wisely to like do your taxes, or play video games, or get through Kafka. Also if you start fights about how long you already know it takes us to get ready, it's just going to take us even longer.
2. I ask if you want flowers, you say no. I don't bring flowers, you get mad. I bring flowers, you say, why did you bring flowers? Which one is it and how do I know when it's safe to bring or not bring you gifts/flowers?
Eesh. I'm just going to say it. This is annoying sh*t for which there is no simple catch all answer for every woman. Some women actually hate flowers/gifts and don't want them or think they are a waste, others want to "test you" and see if you'll surprise them, others want you to be able to have the capacity to think about them enough to just know that they want flowers or gifts or whatever on a holiday/birthday, some "expect" flowers/gifts. I don't know man. Depends on the girl.
3. Are you seriously expecting an honest reply to “does this make me look fat?”
Only sadistic women ask this question, but when they do, if you have been looking for a reason to break up with your girlfriend, now is your chance buddy!
4. Why can’t you decide where you want to eat?
I know, I know, fair enough, you're trying to let us choose because you feel you always choose or you genuinely want us to pick a place we like, so you ask this question and then get pissed when we're all, "I don't know, what do you want," and then it's "no, not that, or that, or that or that." Give up on asking this open ended question if your SO is like this. Just say, I'm only driving to Place A or Place B for dinner, which one. A has that salad you like, and B has the chicken with that awesome sauce.
5. Why is the bathroom a communal event for women?
If you don't know by now, it's first and foremost to talk...about...you and everything that's happened in the last 10 hours since we've seen our girlfriends. It's so that our girlfriends can check to make sure our hair, teeth, make-up, clothes are okay or if they thought what we said was too much/too little/not enough. It's because the lines or so damn long for the ladies, and we need some company while we're bored and trying not to piss ourselves. It's because our friend has a pad or tampon that we need and the bathroom may not have one. It's because some places are squeazy and there is safety in numbers.
6. Why do you get so pissed when I simply look at another girl? I have eyes don't I?
It is the idea that you're checking out this other person because you do think they are attractive, possibly more attractive then us because you're looking at them and not us (at the moment anyway). We acknowledge we both have eyes and we can both recognize attractive people and not actually be off sleeping with them, but could you be more subtle about it? Little bit? It's when you linger in that gaze or if you do it constantly that is bothersome and I'd garner if you could actually catch us doing it (we're ninjas about it), you wouldn't be like, sure, go ahead, look at that guy who's possibly taller, fitter, richer looking, and more attractive than me, while you're with me. I'm fine with that. Yeah, no.
7. Do you read minds? Because you so often assume that we can.
Yes, we do. Why can't you just get it? Our lives would be sooo much easier that way. Nah, but seriously, it's a problem; we are totally at fault here for assuming you know what we want or are thinking without us having said it. If you want to know a secret, all girls have ESP with other girls. We can nod at a girlfriend across the room, and she'll come over and know that we need help or another croissant from the breakfast bar. We forget it doesn't work with guys. We're sorry.
8. Please tell us when can we check out your boobs. They are great and we want to see them, but you get mad when we do.
Just for an experiment, I walked up to a guy and looked first at his crotch for a while, and then at him. And yes, he did give me this look like, what are you looking at down there, I'm up here. We're not just a pair of boobs. Our boobs are great, thanks for thinking it, but just give it a second for us to look away, and then ogle at will.
9. Why do you take it out on us when you're on your period?
All day long you and I have both been at work/school dealing with the same idiots, trying to meet the same deadlines, trying to earn our degrees or paychecks, dealing with traffic or the kids, etc., but we've been forced to do it with raging cramps. Cramps aren't fun. You wouldn't know because you've never had the pleasure of having them lasting all day while you try and go about your business. They suck...hard. If we complain, we're weak complainers, if we don't, we have to suck it up and pretend our insides aren't trying to kill us in a blinding rage while still putting a fake smile on our faces and pretending everything is a-okay...
So at the end of the day, when you come along, and you very innocently, we might add, ask what's for dinner...it's that last 8 hours of hell that reigns down on you because we need to vent, to rage, to deal with the having to hold in all those hormones and anger and pain at being a woman. All I can say is keep a calendar, avoid us if you can if it's that bad, don't make juvenile jokes about it, and don't take it personally.
10. How often do you lie to us about our penis size or your orgasms if they don't meet your standards?
Depends. If you know how to use your little friend or do other things, then no, we're not lying. If it wasn't good at all and you can't do much else in the sex department, we're probably going to tell you it's fine at least at the time, because honestly, it's rough knowing you disappointed someone in the bedroom especially after what they thought was them giving it there all. It's our version of the "does this make me look fat question." There literally are no winners! Plus we don't want it to turn into some big argument where you become spiteful and try to blame us not being pleasured on ourselves or get upset and want us to spend five hours making suggestions on ways we think you could improve. Different time perhaps, not post coitus. It is just less complicated to say, everything was good or you know, we might actually be telling the truth.
11. Is being a virgin a turn-off?
It can be to some women. Some women are experienced, as are some men, and some don't want to have to teach or feel like they are going to have to, BUT it is important to know that a rejection over your virgin status by one, doesn't mean all are going to reject you. It's the same for a woman in that boat. You just have to find someone whos also a virgin, or is like virgin, awesome!, or virgin, no problem, or virgin, can't wait to be your first, and then you're set. Don't fret. Or in the event it's become such a big deal, don't mention it unless it's super important. Easier for you to do that, then for a girl to.
12. Why do you hold grudges for so long?
Please point out the place on planet earth where it would be appropriate for a woman to settle the score with another woman, by just punching her in the face one time, and being done with it. Well, it's not really for guys either, but we hear that as a defense all the time...guys just fight and then it's over. Guys can hold grudges too, you just don't do it so openly. Socially, we can't really just punch it out. Plus we like our faces the way they are. So through centuries of our own making, we've developed grudge holding.
When we want to destroy you, we can wait weeks, months, years for the right time to strike and detonate your life if we want. We remember what you did 4 years, 2 months, 9 hours, and 22 minutes ago and we will have our revenge come hell or high water if we have to cut you out of our lives, FB sniper you, or socially crush you. Hell, truly hath no fury, like a woman scorned. Oh and for your own health and safety, never get in the middle of two girls who are in a grudge match. It will not end well for you.
13. Why do girls have to screech so loudly and run and jump and hug when they see their friends?
It's how we greet each other in the wild. You guys slap each other on the butt during games, okay, let's not judge.
14. What in the actual hell is in your giant purse bag?
As a comedian once described it, if you can't use your purse as a flotation device in the event of an emergency water landing, it's not a real purse. I've emptied mine out on numerous occasions when I truly couldn't find something, and the best had to be this one time when I had all the essentials--wallet stuff, tampons, make-up, receipts, but then it got weird, like there were three oranges because a co-worker had some extra from her garden, a flag I'd gotten from a parade, half a watch strap, foreign money and stamps from a vacation I'd been on, a toothbrush, a Halloween skull, some temporary tattoos, an extra set of shoes from a wedding I'd been to, a trash bag. It's Narnia.
15. Why do you say you're okay, when you're really not?
Let's be honest here...this one we DO kind of expect you to figure out. You wouldn't really be asking us if we were okay, if we seemed like we were okay. You don't ask us if we're okay when we're totally laughing and joking and in a good mood, you ask us when our face looks like death or we're sulking or aren't looking or acting like we do when we are in a good mood. Its an auto response to this question...we're fine. Yup. Nope, we're not fine. It's no different then someone going, how are you doing today...how often do you honestly answer that you feel like s--t, and then explain why to people who ask you when you're in a horrible mood. It's just what we've been conditioned to say, that things are fine.
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