Become the Kind of Person You Want to Be With

[smalls1995]

Today, I'm Happy

I've been on this journey lately to make myself a healthier being. I've lived my whole life fearing commitment with men and unable to successfully have an intimate relationship with one. After the recent "breakup" with one of them, I figured it was time to get help so I sought out therapy. I didn't realize how much it would help. Today I'm happy. I dont feel the need to be with someone. I'm figuring out how to be me and not care what others think. I'm learning to be assertive and value my own opinion. I'm learning to not use self-deprecation as a way of shutting myself up.

What's Best for Me

The first step with this was knowing what would be best for my emotional health in certain situations. I told a family member I wouldn't be going to Thanksgiving this year because I wouldn't be comfortable with some of the issues I have with the family. I didn't give in or devalue my own opinion. Although it wasn't a big step, each day I will find more ways where I can respect myself by saying what I feel.

Letting My Voice Be Heard

I used to be in a room with three of my sisters and I wasn't able to get a word in because I felt my voice didn't matter in comparison with theirs. They constantly spoke into my life and told me who I was rather than me telling them who I am. I let them do that. I'm afraid of conflict and I absolutely hate it. Although I'm realizing all my flaws, I'm realizing all the good characteristics I have as well to combat with those issues. I never realized that I needed to work on myself so that I would be able to have a healthy relationship, but I honestly am so excited for the person I'm going to become. I'm so excited to be someone that I actually love. I'm not on this Earth to be a people pleaser and I will never be respected if I am that person.

A New Way of Thinking

Although I still care what people think I now have a new voice telling me to fight that and speak out when I feel like it. So to sum up my relationship troubles, I've realized it will never be the man I'm with not being funny, cute, mature, or responsible enough. I should not try to find a man that has all that I lack. I should be the kind of person that I want in a man (except for all the anatomical differences :P). I don't know if this has anything to do with the "myTake" thing, but I thought I should just speak my mind because I can! :)

[Worthy]

This is so good. Im kind of in the same "path". Im 22 and never had a boyfriend. Why? well for me it is very important to be able to be happy alone, so when the time comes and i eventually get in a relationship i won't need a guy in order to be happy and i will know that he is a bonus to my life. So many people are afraid of being alone and move on to the next guy but i really dont want a long list of guys in my life.

[AlwaysBelieving]

Just remember to make him feel wanted.

[smalls1995]

Exactly! I feel like when we are happy with ourselves and confident, we are more apt to find someone who treats us as we want to be treated. I personally am not the type to make one person my world. I have so much going on that if someone demanded that much attention, I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Who knows though, I guess I just haven't found the one. Which I'm perfectly fine with! Generally though, I'm happier being alone. I feel like I'm myself and I don't feel that way when I'm with someone else. I think that just goes to show that I definitely need to work on things. I also now feel it's important to assert yourself in relationships even though as women we are seen to be (or "should be) more submissive. I feel like if I'm not speaking out, I'm not being myself. I do tend to be extremely opinionated so that might be why. You might be the same way! Okay, I'm babbling now...

[Worthy]

But I feel there is so much pressure into being with someone and being in a relationship and to appear happy in front of others. Why can't we just stop pretending to be in love and rater just be patient and wait for a guy who you truly are in love with and not date the first one who shows interest

[smalls1995]

That's when you have to stray away from what's "normal." With relationships, you need to find someone who appreciates the way that you function. Giving into the pressure of acting happy or acting like you're in love is another way of disrespecting yourself. It's also another way of letting other people's ideas overpower your life. Respect the time it takes to find the right person and don't give into the pressure of immediately finding someone. We should be communicating how we are feeling. Not how we should be feeling. When I needed space with the last guy I dated, he constantly asked how I was feeling and he left flowers on my porch. As sweet as that was, I meant it when I said I needed space. Instead of telling him how I really felt, I told him how much I loved it and how sweet he was and then I forced myself to see him shortly after. I disregarded how I felt to make him feel better and I was lying to both of us. Even when it's hard, I know it's important to communicate now.

[NovemberJoseph]

I actualy learned a bit about myself reading this. The part about letting others tell you who you are instead of vice versa really spoke to me.

All I need to do now is grow up. Nahh fuck that.

[smalls1995]

I don't know if you are the youngest in your family like I am, but that has a lot to do with it. They're so used to speaking for me that they don't realize that I have thoughts and feelings too. I'm an adult damn it! lol

[dipta]

Too bad we can't upvote a Take.
I too identify with what you wrote. Sometimes it's hard to actually follow what you now know you have to do without getting lost in the way and sometimes forgetting about it. I wish you luck!!

[smalls1995]

Thank you! It can be really hard. Especially because right after I get out of these "relationships" I get really motivated to work on myself and shortly lose it. For now, I'm still really motivated to work on things and I have a lot of people that are really encouraging. It's good to have people to hold you accountable. Thanks for reading!

[jjodllwedo]

the saying that ''you should become the kind of person you want to be with'' is fucking retarded. if i wanted to do so i could as well just stay single. i would already have myself if i would become the person id want to be with. and also, who the actual fuck changes themselfs to be with someone? what the actual fuck.

[smalls1995]

I think everyone should be making healthy changes for themselves. I'm not saying look at someone in particular and change everything about myself so that they will approve of me. I'm saying think of all the things you want in someone. You want someone to respect you? Respect yourself. You want someone who is kind, generous, loving, or caring? Be those things. There could be other things too. Personally I like to look for someone who is a hard worker. Why? Because I work two jobs and go to school. I'm not looking for someone like that because I'm lazy and I want them to take care of me. I look for someone like that because I already know we must have a lot of the same ideals if we are both on the same point. Of course people have different circumstances and I'm open to that, but those are just some examples.

[jjodllwedo]

well no fucking shit dumbass. No one should enter a relationship acting like you did before you realised the most obvious shit ever. fucking dense asshole.

[Hannah591]

I often tell myself how I would react if my boyfriend did the same thing I did/do. For example, if I was out clubbing, would I appreciate him calling and texting me constantly? I wouldn't like it, so I doubt he would. I think this greatly helps out our relationship and stops me from being that psycho girlfriend. It also helps me a lot in being able to control my emotions and worries.

[smalls1995]

I love that! Many people fail to be considerate of others because they have such strong feelings in certain situations. I think it shows a lot about you when you have the ability to look at different perspectives. :)

[funkipunk]

I REALLY like this article. What you say has a lot of truth to it. It's like the saying "you are who you're friends with." You should be the kind of person whom you're trying to attract!

And I respect your decision to be more assertive in life! Don't let people tell you are and what you should do. Make your presence felt, and make people respect you for YOUR actions!

[smalls1995]

Thank you so much! I'm really working on it!

[kambo_trick3y]

No. This article is all wrong.

Just because I'm a sweaty, greasy, 500 pound man who eats Pizza, Hamburgers, and his own dandruff all day doesn't mean I don't have the right to demand a girl who looks exactly like Scarlett Johansson.

I DEMAND IT. I NEED IT. I DESERVE IT. You wanna know why? Cause I'M A GOOD PERSON INSIDE AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

[smalls1995]

This was more of a personal article. I didn't know if it helped others, but I was talking about my journey through trying to make myself better. It may be completely wrong from some and right for others. Depends on who you are and where you are at in life. Either way I just felt like talking about what was working for me at the moment.

[smalls1995]

AAAAAND I just noticed you were joking. You go get Scarlett ;)

[Mr_Xavier]

" They constantly spoke into my life and told me who I was rather than me telling them who I am."

That is a life lesson I've learned from. It's only when I'm in a state where I am truly happy with myself. It includes no toleration for disrespectful people who will definitely be flushed down the toilet like a turd.

"I should be the kind of person that I want in a man..."

Okay. You've set your own standards and that's great!

[smalls1995]

It's important to value ourselves even when we are in a bad state. That's really how we get out of those situations. If you can't value yourself when you're at a low, you'll allow others to demean you as well. That's how I was at least. Thank you so much for reading!

[martyfellow]

I totally agree, working on ourselves is the best way to find someone we're compatible with. If we're fulfilled and happy, we'll find someone else like that. If we're depressed and down on ourselves, we won't be happy in our relationships.. if any!

[smalls1995]

Yes! I keep seeing others in these patterns with the same guys just different names. We have time to work on ourselves, there's no hurry to find someone. It's just going to be a waste if we don't take care of ourselves. Thank you for reading!

[AleDeEurope]

*clap clap clap* chapeau to you girl, this Take was great. While reading it I felt like you were talking about me. I need to speak my mind, and act how I want and feel, as it's the only way to be happy.
Once again: great Takem

[smalls1995]

Thank you so much! So happy that I'm not the only one feeling this way!

[jukensha]

heh... damn, I think I'm doing similar thing you are - only without therapy. I am brutal to myself, and I like it. Do you... how... aaa... Have you talked about this "change" you are going through with your friends? Do they have opinions of how you should act? Do they change their demeanor towards you? Do you still want to be surrounded be some of them? Are you hunting for new friends x)?

[smalls1995]

Sorry! I feel like I didn't read this before strangely enough. I have talked about this with friends and they were really happy for me. Some of them noticed how I cared so much about how others perceived. The biggest thing I talked to them about was how I was going to stop doing that and putting myself down for things people didn't appreciate for me. One girl at my work who really likes to start drama has been trying to talk to me and become friends with me after she realized that I didn't care what she thought about me anymore... Kine of funny how that goes. I have been hunting for new friends! I have been volunteering at a couple places and I just started at new semester at school. All of those places have been great for networking :) Life is good!

[Jbunch]

Great way to tie in your personal life to your article, it really gives it that motivation it needed.

[smalls1995]

Thanks so much! :)

[bubble_tea]

If people actually followed your advice, there would be way less questions on here xD

[smalls1995]

I think everyone just needs a lot of therapy. Which is a beautiful thing! Thank you, friend!

[roxygirlskier]

This is great! Thanks so much for the food for thought :)

[smalls1995]

Thank you for reading!

[roxygirlskier]

Yeah, I've been struggling a bit lately, so this really helped to put things into perspective!

[TheWiseOwl]

I've taken all this on board and i still can't get a relationship. I am doomed haha.

[smalls1995]

Each person has a different way of going about things. My perspective may work for me, but I'm sure there are other alternatives that work for others. I don't even think I'm at the point to help others with their relationship troubles, but I felt like sharing what was working for me at the moment. Of course I haven't tried dating since, but that's not really my goal at the moment. I'm just trying to learn to be happy with myself and not trying to gain happiness from others and how they perceive me.

[Mesonfielde]

Well you also need to find someone who's interested in you and you're interested in them.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

I relate to this article in so many ways. I'm learning to achieve confidence and assertiveness to voice myself onto others, and someday I hope to find a woman who's just as powerful.

[smalls1995]

I'm realizing how important confidence is to have. Thanks so much for reading!

[AlwaysBelieving]

Thank you for writing this. I tried PM'ing you but I guess you have to follow me or something like that. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you if I may.

[smalls1995]

Followed! Let's talk :)

[kartoos]

Wonderfully written!!! FOLLOW ME so that we can talk more.. I need more people like you in my life hahaha

[smalls1995]

How do I follow you? I need you in my life!

[Alexious]

So deep, yet so meaningful!
Well played! ;D xx
*Salutes*

[smalls1995]

I'm a deep person so I've been told! Thank you for reading, friend :)

[Alexious]

You're welcome! :3

[Anonymous]

Problem is, I'm completely comfortable with my life, it's just that others don't think so.

[smalls1995]

So who cares? I'm learning to not care what other people think. It's liberating, my friend. :P Especially if you're already happy.

[Anonymous]

So I should grow a dick? Just kidding, sorry. Had to make that joke. Great article, congrats.

[smalls1995]

That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. I'm glad someone finally got it!

[Anonymous]

Unfortunate... the possibilities are boundless which makes it even more unfortunate how things will end up. I still love ya though.