The Real Deal on Women that get with Losers and "Bad Boys"

[thecd1979]

When I was a younger man and before I saw this scenario for what it really is, it used to really irk the hell out of me when I would see a woman with a guy that was a good for nothing loser that would treat them like shit.

I was like any typical "nice guy" that listened to their sob stories about how their dude would cheat on them, stay out all night, how they were supporting his broke lazy ass, how there their dude couldn't stay out of trouble and how they wish he would change.

I never bothered to question any of them on why they CHOSE to stay with a guy that obviously has no redeeming qaulities and nothing to offer. Like most "nice" guys I would side with them and see them as the poor helpless victim when they would rant about how bad thier guy was treating them.

The first thing to realize when seeing this scenario for what it is, is that they are CHOOSING to stay with this guy, they are CHOOSING to put up with his shit and have no one to blame for their unhapiness but themselves. They are not the victim, even though they like to make you think they are.

The women that get with and stay with these guys have issues of their own and lack the self esteem and confidence to realize that they deserve much better, or they are just as big of a screw up as he is. What I consider to be the the main scenarios that a women sticks around with a loser are:

Co Dependency issues - I am pretty sure that most of you know a women that fits into this category. She is the women that after one loser takes a hike, not even a week later she has another guy to take his place (probably as bad or worse then the previous) putting up with the same shit and whining and complaining to everyone.

In case you are not familiar on what co dependent woman is, (see wiki definition https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency for more detailed description)it's basically a woman cannot function indenpendently and has to have a man in her life to feel worthy of herself. It's as if her life depends on it, and this is why they are very quick to just jump on any guy that comes along. She will see it like a guy that lies, cheats, can't hold a job, or can't stay out of trouble with the law is better than no guy in her life at all.

Low Self Esteem and Self Worth - this usually goes hand in hand with the above. They feel worthless and not good enough and don't feel that they deserve any better then the asshole they are with. They think that this is as good as it is going to get for them so they might as well deal with it. The guys that she gets with take full advantage of it and makes her feel like there is no one else that can love them and that he is doing her the favor by being with her. Their guy will often ridicule and and put them down to keep her thinking she isn't worth anything to anyone but him.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together - I mentioned this briefly. It's no surprise that these kind of guys are the biggest losers that can't hold a job, probably have a warrant out for their arrest, are daily drug users and free loaders. The one thing I can see now that I didn't back when I was younger is that the majority of the women that would cry to me about their guy were just as big a screw up as he was and mirrored most if not all of his behaviors.

Most of the women I knew that were with these kind of guys didn't have anything going for them besides their good looks. They had no plans for their life, no goals, hoping around from one shitty job to the next, some were single moms that made it a habit to stick their kid with grandma while they went out and partied. The only thing they were living for was to get high and party. I didn't see that back then because I didn't want to, but take a closer look chances are the woman that's crying to you about her guy more than likely is going to be on his level.

They get with this kind of guy because because it's what is easy. This guy isn't going to tell them anything about how they are iving their life and vice versa. He isn't going to tell her that she should sign up for college courses, or that she needs to spend some time with her kids instead of always pawning them off on her parents so she can get high and have "fun". A good guy will be the one to tell her about these things and she most likely isn't at a point in hwer life where she wants to hear it.

They're Not all That

To sum it up all up a woman that is confident and has her head on straight isn't going to put up with the typical bad boy/loser behaviors because they know that they deserve better and aren't going to sacrifice their dignity and self resepct just for the sake of saying they have a man.

It's the girls that have issues and don't beleive they are worth being treated with dignity and respect that you are going to see with these guys. A woman that has issues and low self esteem is going to be clingy, whiny and panic at the slighest instant that you don't return a phone call right away, is always going to have suspicions that you are cheating and is always going to be fishing for compliments so that she can feel worthy. It's not going to make for a good relationship. So if by some chance this woman was to say "I like you and lets get toegther" she is not going to be the best catch. Trust me, I know this from experience.

So please don't sweat it. Unfortunaley there isn't anything you can do for a woman that chooses this kind of guy. She's a grown woman and she will need to get the help she needs and figure it out for herself. So save yourself some frustration and just back off of her. It's not going to be your place to make her realize that she deserves better, she has to figure that out on her own.

[bomba78]

I could not agree more. It is absolutely true, every single word.

However, some things you point out can also happen later on. Woman meets perfectly good guy. Hard working, charming and overall sweet. They get married, he starts changing. Slowly, you couldn't really tell what it is exactly that's off...
So slowly he starts to wear down his wifes dreams and selfesteem. He is so sneaky about it that she doesn't even notice at first. Until is ecalates into full blown emotional abuse. She can't believe what's happening. Who is this person and where is the man she married?
This goes on for some time, between fighting and going to couples therapy a couple of years pass. It seems to get better, but only for short periods of time.
One day she has enough and leaves. He tumbles into an identity and life crisis swearing to get better, to have understood what he did wrong. She doesn't give a shit anymore and cuts off contact.

That is my story. I didn't choose a bad boy. My good man BECAME a bad boy in time. I left his ass of course, but I still wonder how I could not see it for as long as I did. For a second I was displaying many of the issues you mention. Thankfully my survival instict kicked in and gave me the strenght to get out.

[Scrambled]

Your ex sounds a lot like me. I think I know his soul... very well. I though was sick of being nice and mediocre, so I left my girl to be more of a dick and a douche, and it's been working great for me. I at least knew the path I was going down and I told her that I have grown into another person and it's best we split. She couldn't understand it, but I saved her from the stuff you had to go through.

[bomba78]

I am having trouble trying to understand your comment... you changed from a good person into an asshole and you are happy with that decision? Do you also think now that emotional abuse is cool? Are you going to treat your women like shit, calling them names and make them feel like a piece of nothing? How could that possibly be working out great for you? You are either a troll or you have some serious issues dude...

[imnotcrearive]

Lol as someone who had a tendency of falling for these 'broken girls' that have been a 'victim' of a shitty relationship and thinking I could change them, I applaud your take. It's crazy how I came to the same conclusions, and how eye opening it is when you really do realize that these girls are not worth your time and that no matter how much you want to, you'll never change them.

[abcdgg]

so what was the experience dating these type of girls? are there attractive girls like this?

[imnotcrearive]

@abcdgg oh yeah. That's pretty much the story behind every slurry blonde you see going out partying every day of the week. She started off by dating some guy (back when she was not so attractive) and got fucked over one way or another. Immediately got in another relationship because she needed the validation. Sometime here she became hot, started thinking "hey, these guys are really immature. I know what to do! I'll date someone waay older." Dated a couple of dudes in their mid 30s that treated her inferiorly (obviously, she's 10-15 years younger) and when she found out she was just being used for sex she again got heart broken. But now she's taking some time off to "find herself" because of all this 'bad luck' she's had with guys and relationships. If I had a dollar for every girl I've met with that life story...

[imnotcrearive]

Slutty not slurry.

[DailyAlice]

This can be both for men and women. There are lots of men that I know who stay with women who treat them badly and I also have to listen to all the BS.

But to add to your points, I've been one of those girls who was caught up with dating the "loser" or "bad boy". But I NEVER stuck around. I always break it off.. and I actually just came out of one of those situations. We were together for 4 months... For the girls who stayed with these types of guys much longer, it's more difficult, especially if you've never experienced it before. The only other time I dated a guy like this was 4 years ago and we dated for 8 months. I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time, so it took me longer to get out. But this time I was able to get out quicker.

You seem to put all the blame on the girl. In one way, I do agree with you. I know girls who stuck around with guys like this for years, complaining and complaining.

But then there are situations like mine... why do we give these guys chances? They don't act like jerks when we first meet them. When we first meet them they are the nicest guys in the world. That's how my latest ex was. I thought I hit gold when I met him. He was so sweet, chivalrous, everything was perfect about him. Everything we would want in a man that is so difficult to find these days. But he had one downfall - he switched his career and wanted to become an Actor/Stuntman. I was skeptical.. but he told me he had a black belt in Ju Jitsu, that he teaches, and he's worked as a stuntman many times, and now he's just trying to build his acting career. I was skeptical, but kept an open mind.

Long story short.. I found out everything was a facade. He was fake. He was a loser that couldn't hold a job.. he lied about his black belt, he doesn't teach. He rarely finds work and is often broke. He also started to treat me badly. But I know this type of behavior from the last time I dated a guy like him, so I figured it out quickly and ended it.

[LokiLuke]

DailyAlice, who are you trying to convince, me or you? True, I did once date a bipolar woman. She became violent once and that was the last time I saw her. With me, you only get one chance. Your words give you away, you say you always dated (past-tense) the bad boy, but you always break it off (present tense), The fact that you also just came out of one of those situations tells me one thing... sure you break it off, but you tend to go back, be it the same guy or another bad boy, but you return to the bad boy time after time. I don't understand why it would take you 4 months to get out the second time. The first time I was to see evidence of an abusive partner, I'd be like: "Mom, dad, come fetch me, you were right, he is an asshole." Why do you give those guys chances, heck if I knew the answer to that question, I'd be the richest man in the world, not even your gender could answer that question for me I'd asked it time and again.

[LokiLuke]

DailyAlice, let me give you a tip, if something is too good to be true, it probably is. All guys are flawed to a certain extent, it is called being human. You say the guy was perfect... Nobody on the face of this planet is perfect, if that's the case, he is either a robot from the future, or he is talking shit. If you meet a guy who never acts like a jerk or never makes mistakes, run as far as you can, he is lying to you just to entrap you. He is telling you what you want to hear as opposed to the truth, which isn't always pleasant to hear, but it is what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. Next time a guy tells you he has black belt in Ju Jitsu, ask him for his grading certificate, somebody who did get their black belt in martial arts, are normally very proud of it and will have the grading certificate on display or at least within reach. Let me guess, there probably was a history of drug abuse as well?

[BiffWebster]

women that go for bad boy's are very naive to what is going on. Some probably don't really care, and other's just don't want to know. Thinking Love is gonna change the relationship.
That's one of the problems with some women and marriage. You can't blame a guy for not changing if he was an a-hole before you married him, that would make it her fault. But these women they just get stuck between a rock and a hard place. At least in my opinion. They get too comfortable with a guy that is unhealthy for them.

[Anonymous]

This was an excelent take! A lot of women with "bad boy" fever do have self esteem issues just as the article said! However, it glosses over many other women who also suffer from "bad boy" fever in their dating choices.

The fact that nearly ALL women at some point choose a "bad boy" - "jerk" character goes way beyond the stated lack of self esteem issues. And a lot of genuine, decent, caring men are constantly being tossed aside by women regardless of self esteem issues. So the problem is not just women with low self esteem. That only scratches the surface. Too bad the article didn't address these deeper issues of "bad boy" "jerk" fever women.

[dartmaul15]

well, it could partially be because one glaring flaw in how women judge a man.
They judge him for how he treats her, not how he treats everyone. This makes it EXTREMELY easy for a bad boy to play and fake a nice guy long enough to get her hooked and fucked.
That's one posibility.

[Opinion Owner]

To dartmaul15 - I agree the example you gave is another part of the picture. This make my original point that women with low self esteem issues are not the only ones choosing bad-boy-jerk characters. Some women are fooled by false pretenses. Some women know a guy is a douche butthink they can change him. Some women just find the the teasing, boorish disregard typical of bad-boy-jerk types to be confident, manly and attractive. So it's certainly not just low self esteem that draws women to bad-boy-jerks.

[thecd1979]

There are good women that are fooled by a guy that is really a loser/bad boy but once he eventually shows his true colors they know when to cut there losses and kick him to the curb. They won't waste their time trying to change him because they know they deserve someone that will treat them with respect and dignity. A woman with issues that I mentioned will be the one to stick around and try and change him just for the sake of having a man in her life. A good confident woman isn't going to find bad boy behaviors (ie inability to hold a job, irresponsibility, abusivness, drug use etc.) attractive.

[Opinion Owner]

Take Owner - I agree with you. But your take seems to be focused on continuing relationships. In that sense, female lack of self esteem problems and the bad boy's true colors being eventually exposed are definitely very important points. But for the shorter term "hump and dump" pattern that many bad boys are famous for, the picture is very different. At the start, many women definitely choose the teasing, boorish disregard of a bad-boy-jerk over decent, caring respectful men. At the start of the typical bad-boy-jerk hump and dump, many women are drawn in regardless of their self esteem! At the start, many women don't seem to care about anything but short term excitement.

[thecd1979]

I see what your getting at as far as short term hook ups go. Try and see this for what it really is though. Society likes to throw out there that hooking up is the norm for young people and that everyone is doing it. The truth is that not everyone is doing it and a lot of young people actual do normal things like watch a movie, spend time with family or go camping or hiking with their friends and care about more than just hooking up, drinking and partying on the weekend. A good guy or girl that has their head on straight understands that "hooking up" has potential serious and life changing consequences and they are the people that are confident enough to not have to prove anything to any of the people that might say they are boring or old fashioned. In other words they have better things to do. Not to say that these guys or girls won't ever have a one night fling, but they will be the ones to that learn from it and not make a habit out of it. The women that have self esteem issues are

[1GuyOpinion]

I already know this but good take.

It part of being a Challenge. You leave her immediately and avoid wasting your time and much headache.

Too bad a lot of "nice guys" just stick around being her tissue to wipe her tear with and get throw away (like a used tissue).

[thecd1979]

I used to be that guy that was the tissue that was tossed away. I had to learn the hard way. If I only knew back then what I know now.

[Yc2K15]

I seriously Honour what you have written, I have been enraged since I was about 13 years old at women who had so much, throw it all away to men who had nothing but the ability to beat people up or huge muscles. Even things as petty as a fast car...

I wish every woman could read this without looking at it as an attack or as bias, and understand the nature behind what you are telling us, then act on it.
Self esteem is esteem of your self, no one can help you but YOU.

[madpete1111]

The loser good for nothing bad boy is good at sex, dude and that sweet sweet generous loving he's giving her she mistakes for actual emotional love. All those women say "you don't see what he's really like. You don't see how he is when we're alone". The bad boy is good at sex brothers. That's what it is.

[thecd1979]

Yeah it’s because he has had plenty of time to get his stroke down with many different women because he isn’t bogged down by things like a job, studying for exams and responsibilities. It’s no surprise that the bad boy is more than often the one to have a few kids from a few different women that he most likely is trying to duck out of paying child support on. It’s what I already have explained that a good confident women will see him for who he really is and kick him to the curb because she knows she deserves better. A woman that has issues, no self respect and self esteem will be the one to say things like “you don't see how he is when we're alone” to try and validate her being with him even though he is a loser that treats her like shit. The bad boy being good in bed is besides the point.

[front2back]

I thought this article was going to be about how men who have their shit together or treat their partners right were the real losers. Disappointed, 3.5/10

JK, really though you at least made some decent points and had a unique perspective. I didn't think of it that the women in these relationships may not be that good themselves or that it was her choice. That surprised me. So I do like this article for it being so different.

[thecd1979]

A lot of this is from my past experiences, and all the girls back the that I knew who cried to me where just as big of a screw up as thier guy they were complaining about was. I didn't see that back then when I was your age. I learned a lot of what I know the hard way.

[peachblossomluck]

I really liked this! Having decent self esteem I could never make sense of others who put up with disrespectful behaviors from partners. You can't "fix" these people. They need to fix themselves. If you get friendzoned, she's a fool and move along quuckly or you have also have a self esteem deficit.

[dazedandconfused22]

Agreed but I have to admit I don't have any of the problems you stated above but prefer my men to be mysterious and to have a bit of a dark side. Not to confuse that with abusive men but with men who always keep me guessing :)

[thecd1979]

A guy should be mysterious and not just throw everything out there, that's part of what makes a guy that behaves like a challenge attractive, nothing wrong with that if they treat you good and have their head on straight

[GlassHeart]

Or maybe because attractive respectable men are hard to find these days

[Noboddy]

I can agree with that statement as most guys that i know are idiots.

[GlassHeart]

Lol exactly ^^

[Jersey1]

I hope not. I think my son is but he has low interest in dating as it leads to divorce... He is working on his career and doing quite well. I have asked him to date he says he will. it concerns me.

[AleDeEurope]

So that's enough reason to stay in a relationship where you are being hurt (physically or emotionally)?

The statement that there aren't many attractive and respectable men out there is not true, and by staying with a guy that's not worth it is only decreasing the chances of you being with a real man. I mean, you can stay with the same man all your life, unhappy, or you could leave him and find the man that's gonna make you happy.
You comment is just a cheap excuse.

[GlassHeart]

No I've never been in a abusive relationship and i dont plan to im just saying its hard to find a attractive respectable guy who isn't gonna cheat on you everybody has problems there's no such thing as a perfect man " prince charming" we have been conditioned that if there are problems in a relationship we love we have to make it work because we doubt there's anything better..

[GlassHeart]

But i can't speak for everyone but thats just what i think

[AleDeEurope]

But it's not hard to find a guy that won't cheat on you. Trust me, there are plenty out there, most guys won't cheat.
And I agree with the fact that if there's a problem in the relationship you gotta try to fix it, but when that problem is the whole personality of your partner, I think there's no way to fix that, you gotta leave, because there is something better.

[thecd1979]

The difficulty finding a respectable guy is besides the point, the point is that you should respect yourself enough to be able wait for a man that will treat you with respect and dignity and not just settle for anyone. I tell every guy and girl on here that if your looking for a partner to stop and just focus on your plans, your goals and living your life and being happy. The right person will come along eventually if it’s meant to be.

[This_guy_here]

I hear you, we have the same problem when looking for girls.

[rjroy3]

Sounds like codependency.
If you settle for a shitty guy just because a good one to hard to find, you're telling yourself that you need a guy even if he's a horrible person.

[This_guy_here]

oh man. I just read it and my fingers are shaking desperate to scroll down and read what bs those who fit the description will attack you with to defend their position (of vistims)

[COCOCHANEL]

he's a millionaire playboy who rescued me and pays me a decent amount to sit in his office all day despite my lack of skills and extreme tardiness. that's the bad boy i have.

[LokiLuke]

He has an office, trust me, that's not a bad boy.

[COCOCHANEL]

@LokiLuke he has many offices. you don't get it.

[LokiLuke]

@Opinion Owner because you're not explaining it

[thecd1979]

Whatever floats your boat, It seems to be working for you

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the self esteem thing. we accept the love we think we deserve I guess

[MaskedSanity]

This is superb. I don't have anything else to add, really. Bravo.

[apexalpha]

excellent post but it doesn`t say how these women first step into this type of downward spiral, What triggered it all..

[thecd1979]

Most likely a bad experience in childhood or bad dating scenario as a teen that planted the seed for low self esteem and other issues

[apexalpha]

everyone has those issues but its how you come out from them that shapes your future trajectory

[LokiLuke]

apexalpha in my experience it usually stems from a missing father figure, hence she'll just grab any man who can fulfill that gap and offer the protection her father never gave in his absence, or the father was a dysfunctional father figure, hence being a bad boy himself, and women tend to go for men like their fathers as that is what they relate manhood to from a very young age.

[apexalpha]

@LokiLuke yeah true, but they got to break the circle

[LokiLuke]

@Opinion Owner I've seen many tried and failed. The only way to successfully do so is ti with or without the help of a professional seek out the root of the problem and deal with that. Once that is done, she will be able to break the cycle and start going for nice guys, but this takes a while

[apexalpha]

@LokiLuke only determination and perseverance will enable them to do that. All dependent on the individual girl!!!

[LokiLuke]

@Opinion Owner true. You can lead a deer to water, but can't make her drink

[rjroy3]

*applauds*
You hit the nail on the head. Nothing to add

[LokiLuke]

Well, most girls won't recognize respectable men even if they were right in front of them, because the respectable men bore them and bad boys make them wet.

[abcdgg]

oh please. be good looking, dress well, make 6 figures and +. Game over.

[thecd1979]

The whole point of my take is that the girls that find "bad boys” attractive have issues of their own or they are just as big of a screw up as he is. There are plenty of women who have their head on straight and their priorities together that do not find “bad boy” behaviors attractive.

[This_guy_here]

Tadaaa!!! Here goes one.

[LokiLuke]

abcdgg, I do, yet I'm single

[LokiLuke]

Take Owner, I'm yet to meet one women who didn't at least fantasize about the bad boy behind closed doors. I'll believe it when I see it

[LokiLuke]

Ladies, when all is said and done, there is no such thing as a perfect man, when you meet a perfect man, run far, far away. If you meet a biker who burps, farts, gets drunk every now and again, but still treats you with respect, hang on to him, because through all that imperfection it means one thing, he is being honest about who he is. Think about that.

[Your_boss960]

Wow. This is such a cool take.

[Bethanycats]

Let a man take muh money.. well what money.

[kambo_trick3y]

Smart guy this one.