Women aren't actually into "bad boys": My take on dating and narcissism

Subarugirl

We have all heard the phrase, "Nice guys finish last", but do you know what it actually means? The phrase was used by Brooklyn Dodgers manager Leo Durocher to describe former New Orleans area basMel Ott and his Giants team when the Giants were mired in last place during the 1946 season. The concept was that "Ruthless tactics succeed more than kindness.". While that make sense in a sports context, this popular sport's analogy started being used in a dating context... which is, to say the least, concerning. The whole idea that to be successful in dating you have to be ruthless, or ruthlessly tactful which is manipulative and narcissistic behavior.

The phrase “nice guys finish last” is often used to describe the fact that women seemingly say they go for “nice guys” but actually go for jerks. In the face of struggle, certain dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. The issue here is that it's a tactic and not authentic. They may depend on external validation, rely on attachments, women's approval, or conceal their shortcomings out of insecurity. Their niceness generally comes with strings attached. This kind of co dependent, behavior isn't authentic or healthy and inauthenticity it easily spotted. There is often some sort of lack of boundaries or the inability to maintain boundaries. Then when things fall apart he is left where he started except this time he feels like he has been taken advantage of and attract narcissists.


On the opposite end of things we have the "bad boys". This false narrative that heterosexual women might say they want nice characteristics in a partner, but in reality what they want is the challenge that comes with dating a “bad boy” is bogus and here is why. Unless you are an emotional masochist, people don't find bad qualities in others attractive. If someone treats you badly, generally you are going to find them less attritive than if they treated you kindly. Characteristics such as warmth, kindness, and basic decency are valued by both women and men – having them makes us more desirable partners, but also makes us appear more physically attractive. Of course, sometimes we do find “bad” people attractive. Narcissists – people who show high levels of self-importance, superiority, entitlement, arrogance and a willingness to exploit others – are often perceived as very attractive in initial encounters. This may be because they put a lot of effort into their appearance and how they come across. They are also particularly good at manipulating people. Studies have shown that female narcissists tend to wear more make-up and show more cleavage than women who score lower on narcissism, whereas male narcissists spend more time building up their muscle mass and appearance.

There have been many studies that has show that kindness makes a person more attractive and more appealing. Other studies have similarly shown that women prefer men who are sensitive, confident and easy-going, and virtually no women want to date a man who is aggressive or demanding.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886914003626

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656699922523

In the very short term, narcissists can even seem more well-adjusted, entertaining and generally nicer. But over the long term, narcissists find it difficult to maintain a favorable impression and tend to be perceived as less adjusted, less warm, and more hostile and arrogant. Not surprisingly, the evidence shows that narcissists don’t like long-term, committed relationships and don’t do well in them anyway.

In the end, from a social and psychological stand point people don't find bad character traits attractive, they find character traits like confidence, warmth, kindness, and humor attractive. Though sometimes people and up being attracted to a bad person, they didn't initially realize was bad. Think back to some of your past relationships…. The issue with the nice-guys-finish-last stereotype, apart from contradicting of years of scientific evidence, is that it can compromise the possibility of forming healthy relationships. Perpetuating this myth not only creates unhelpful expectations about how we should behave, but for those trying to live up to the myth can damage relationships. It also allows some men to blame and hate women as a means of deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings.

Women arent actually into bad boys: My take on dating and narcissism
Women aren't actually into "bad boys": My take on dating and narcissism
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