My girlfriend talks a lot with her admirers who are deeply in love with her. But she won't tell that she has a boyfriend. What should I do?

[MNMracer]

I love my girlfriend a lot and she is always being very affectionate. However, she does have a very large number of admirers, whom she talks with mostly over email and social networking sites.
I have no issues with that, she is an attractive girl and she has very right to talk with whomever she wants!! Its just that she never tells them that she has a boyfriend. Whenever i tell her that it makes me feel uncomfortable, she becomes very sad and says "i thought you knew that i love you" but also says that she would've felt insecure too had she been in my place. She also doesn't know whether she would tell these guys about me if we ever got married. I love her a lot and dont want to see her sad, so i normally dont press. But i also dont like it that she allows these guys to hit on her. What do i do? :( Should i end this relationship if she persists with such behaviour?

[imagine1985]

My friend she doesn't respect you, my fiancée was the same, caused too many problems and she ended up splitting up with me because the people that admired her (male work colleagues etc) upon meeting me acted very ignorant towards me because of how much they 'liked' my wife to be.

I was always good to my women but she was too busy collecting rocks when she had a diamond.

This spells trouble, seriously give your relationship a thought before she breaks your heart.

My ex chose the attention and flirtatious behaviour over a guy she had been with for three years.
Within a week of breaking up she was back talking with her ex, his family and some of her model friends enjoying life as I was left heart broken.

[imagine1985]

There is a difference between talking to guys and flirting, I think she enjoys the attention she Recieves. These women like to be admired by everyone, but if she puts this before your feelings then she isn't for you.

[MNMracer]

What happened to you is really very sad. I really do wish that some people understood when they're in a relationship and what being in a relationship entails. Also, she should realise that i have invested a lot in this relationship psychologically and that i really do care for her. Problem is that she is normally very warm and affectionate with me, so i dont think she's acting. But i wish she introspected and decided to address emotional conflicts when she saw them. Things are definitely coming to a head, though, no matter how much i love her, i can't stomach these guys thinking forever that they will marry her someday. So i guess i will have to take this issue up with her much more firmly and directly.

[imagine1985]

My friend are we dating the dame woman? Lol

Seriously though, my ex fiancée had a warm heart, told me she loves me, was very caring and would spend a lot of time with me and my daughter.

Yet a few weeks ago we went out on a date night, after a romantic evening we headed to her workplace. (pizza/kebab shop) she had only been working there for 4 week, well uppn entering I was greeted my her woman colleague and after a 3 way discussion her male work colleague smiles at my fiancée and as I said "hello" to him eyeballed me, snarled and went into the back, I told my ex I was going to the shop further down to purchase a bottle of southern comfort, upon my way back I notice by looking through the shop window my girl and work colleague appeared to be laughing and joking, enjoying each others company, as I walked in silence by him and walked straight into the back.

I discussed this in the taxi home and she got very defensive saying he's only a friendly guy and that I'm being paranoid,

[imagine1985]

That he was being impolite towards me, this resulted in a small argument and her giving her engagement ring back to me.

I gave her 2 weeks no contact space but still she won't get back with me.

[MNMracer]

Yeah, your story is really sad, its just that i've come to realise, that under such circumstances, if one's partner chooses to put an ordinary friendship over or at par with a serious romantic relationship, then it indicates something very wrong. I just need to make her realise this without her getting very sad, whenever i tell her this, she gets very morose.

[RaCeRKiD5]

Sounds like she loves the attention from them and is afraid that if they know she has a boyfriend it will go away.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your girlfriend, but I've been in her situation. In my defense, I talked to them just to be polite and nice. And trust her when she said she loves you. My bf got really insecure too. And I could see where he came from. But he was so focused on his insecurity that he forgot to treat me right. He was so afraid that I would fall for another guy that he forgot to keep me in love with him. I'd say, I understand you can't help what you feel, but try to trust her. Maybe, just maybe, deep inside she just likes the attention? But that doesn't have anything to do with whether she loves you or not.

[MNMracer]

Thank you very much for your views :) Its great to hear the viewpoint of someone who has been in a similar position to me. Well, i did initially try not to feel too insecure, and i thought that perhaps i was in a competition with these guys, so i just tried harder to make her stay in love with me. But i just want to ask this-if her bf is feeling distressed about this, and she has to choose between her bf's happiness and how her admirers feel, shouldn't she take her bf's side? I dont think she's cheating on me, she is always extremely warm, romantic and affectionate with me. Which is why i dont want to offer her ultimatums or get mad at her, i love her a lot. But i also dont want these guys to chase a dream which won't come true, at least not if i stay with her lol. Should she at least not discourage them to profess their love for her?

[Opinion Owner]

I have a friend who is also like me and your gf. A lot more like your gf actually. She just can't live without those attentions. She doesn't even realize it. She unknowingly (at least she said) keeps leading people on. But looking back her background, I could understand why she does that. She became too independent at very young age because she didn't have enough attention from her family. I'm saying there might be similar reason in your gf's case. I think you just gotta accept it. Try to understand makes it easier to accept. Look for what might be the reason why your attention is not enough for her.

[Opinion Owner]

Does she have a father?

[MNMracer]

Yes, she has a dad. But yes, i fully agree with you, she has had tough times in the past. She lost a very good friend at a young age and has often been plagued with horrible and unsavoury relationships with people whom she loved, but who didn't love her back and only made her feel worse. So perhaps you are right, it is not surprising that she craves attention from others. Its just that i also worry that she might be keeping other options open for the future, which she really shouldn't since we're in a relationship now and i do try my hardest to keep her happy.
I dont like pushing her, and my instinct suggests that she still believes in this relationship. But it does distress me that these guys think that she is available. She acknowledges my distress. But thats all. Once i asked her "what should i do to feel less distressed" and she replied "i dont know, i do love you and i thought you knew that". I try my hardest to ignore, but its not easy and i keep feeling more insecure everyday.

[Opinion Owner]

If I were you I would have a serious conversation with her and tell her how it makes you feel and ask why she does that. If she doesn't mention the things that you think might be the reason, bring it up and see what she has to say about it. Do it once and for all and see if you van handle it for as long as you're with her.

[MNMracer]

Had a lengthy discussion with her today. She began feeling very sad halfway through and said that she had failed in making me feel loved. Then she said that she wouldn't talk about these guys ever again. I told her that i have more of an issue with her not telling those guys that she isn't single. But she won't entertain that. She did feel genuinely remorseful though, and i dont think she's being inconsiderate. My understanding is that she has dug herself into this hole, she craves appreciation not only from her bf, but also from other dudes. But she is also apprehensive about making me feel bad. So i guess she's choosing the easiest way out. What do you say? Had she been offhand and brusque i would've said that she didn't want us to continue our relationship. But she appeared genuinely sad. So perhaps she recognises her mistake and also thinks that trying to set it right would entail too much difficulty.

[Opinion Owner]

Hmm I saw the other comment about her sending a non romantic e card. But it doesn't matter how non romantic it is, it's Valentine's day! If I were you, I wouldn't stay cause I know myself, I will never be able to handle that. And I believe that people don't change. They do for awhile, but then they will go back to who they are. It's part of her. I believe it will happen again in the future. I feel that she's been playing victim everytime you bring it up. Oh and this friend of mine, she cheated on her bf.

[MNMracer]

I know, but its more of a case of silliness on her part, like she can't handle tough words being told to her. Now she has dug herself this nice little hole and all these guys expect her to send Valentine's day e cards and all that lol. But truth be told, i haven't seen a single ounce of change in her body language. Surely, there would've been some change if she had been cheating on me. She also shows much of what she writes to these guys to me. So perhaps its not cheating, just insensitive or stupid of her? don't know if im being too soft with her though.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you might not be able to see what you get yourself into? I don't know. I might be too judgmental. But you know better. Just listen to your gut :)

[MNMracer]

Once again, thank you for your views :) its always good to get the perspective of someone who has been there :)

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome. Good luck :)

[TrueJane]

She probably just wants or enjoys getting showered with attention because it makes her feel validated/acknowledged. It's even possible that she doesn't have any feelings for them, but simply believes that if they found out she's taken, they'll lose all interest in her immediately, that's why she plays the flirting game to "yank their chains".

That's a mark of a fairly insecure person. But it's only a guess, the truth could be worse than that. You'll have to discuss and ask why she feels the need to do it anyway.

[MNMracer]

Lol she did say something to this effect once, "if i tell people that im not single, many would not want to talk with me".

[TrueJane]

I don't know if that is something a person could grow out of, but if you try to have a conversation about it with her and she immediately accuses you of not trusting her enough then that's a red flag that she doesn't intend to quit anytime soon - which could be a problem to you in the long run.

[MNMracer]

Just had a lengthy talk with her (over the phone, since she just told me that she wants to send a non romantic e card to one of her admirers on Valentine's day), she kept on insisting that she only loves me and no one else. Though this isn't even the most persistent of her admirers lol. I guess i will have to put up with this mess till im with her, i try to tell her that i dont like it, but she keeps on saying that she only loves me and hopes that this utterance will make me happy. But she never tells these guys that i am her bf lol.

[TheEmma]

If I were you I'd tell her to stop playing dumb and show a little respect for me. She know well she's hiding you from them because she doesn't want them to stop chasing her. When she says "i thought you knew that i love you", she's trying to turn the tables and make YOU feel guilty. It's a form of manipulation. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

[imagine1985]

Yes you are completely correct, my. Ex fiancée was very beautiful yet craved attention from other men and was way too flirtatious. I told her how I was feeling but she always had away of making me feel guilty for even bringing it up.

[MNMracer]

I just wish people knew what being in a relationship entails. I, for instance, would never encourage a girl flirting with me now since i am not single. I really do care about her and i think that entertaining someone else's fantasies about me would be disrespectful towards her. Once, when i said this, she was like "thanks for making me feel bad". Basically i dont tell her anything more at that time because she's never too wiling to entertain a long drawn out discussion about this.

[TheEmma]

"thanks for making me feel bad" again, she's manipulating you. She's making you feel guilty for what SHE'S doing. She's disrespecting you... you need to talk to her about this and don't let her make you feel like you're the one who's wrong. I'm not gonna tell you to break up because I know you won't but at least have a serious talk and tell her to stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't act like she has a boyfriend then she doesn't have one. I wouldn't stay with someone who acted like I didn't exist around others.

[MNMracer]

Thank you for your viewpoint!! Its just that she is very warm, romantic and affectionate with me normally, which really does lead me to feel that she loves me a lot. Maybe she just enjoys the attention? She just says that she doesn't want to lose the friendship of these guys. And i think that if i press her too much on this, then i might lose her or at least make her really very sad. So i dont think its easy for either of us. :(

[Opinion Owner]

There's a slight potential that she doesn't know they're flirting or anything. Lord knows I'm oblivious to it unless it's VERY obvious.

[MNMracer]

Actually she does know that they're flirting. Since they do a lot more than just casually flirt with her. She says that one of them always professes her love to her, and that it really makes her feel sad, since she can't cut herself up into little bits to satisfy everyone. So i asked her if she felt unsure about our relationship... she said "you are my man, and i thought you knew that". So basically im at a dead end here, if i keep on pressing her, she gets sad and uncooperative and says that she doesn't want to lose her friends. But ignoring it isn't helping me either, its not casual flirting these guys indulge in. The guy we discuss about most actually fantasizes about marrying her and everything. That is way beyond casual or harmless flirting. Im not totally paranoid and i would never do anything as despicable as stealing a look at her mail inbox or something. But i do feel distressed, and i wish she did something about it also.

[MNMracer]

And once again, thank you very much for your patience and help. :) I am very indebted to all those who have chosen to help me out. :)

[Opinion Owner]

Tell your girl to grow a backbone. She needs to be firm and cut them out of her life.

[MNMracer]

Ok, thanks. I am actually thinking of becoming a bit firmer with her. Its just that i fear an open rift will grow between us if i am firm enough to suggest that she severe ties with these people.

[Opinion Owner]

You're well within your rights to tell her that her talking to them in the nature that she does makes you uncomfortable and that you'd like her to respect your relationship and stop talking to them. It's not controlling or anything.